


Light My Way

by tea_and_oranges



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2020-09-06 07:43:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 47,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20287891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_and_oranges/pseuds/tea_and_oranges
Summary: What if...Ben had bumped into Callum on his way to meet Keanu at the Arches on the day Phil was attacked?Canon divergence from 30/07/2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Literally making this up as I go along. I have a couple of ideas for an ending but nothing definite and will probably change depending on what happens on screen. No idea if or when I'll update but if I don't post this now I'll change my mind again so here goes...

Ben strode purposefully up the steps leading to the door of E20, anger and resentment simmering inside him. He clenched his fist as he reached the door. He needed to stay calm and in control, not show Keanu any sign of weakness. He didn’t have a plan as such, he’d figure that out when he got to the Arches. All he knew was that he was going to wipe the smug smile off Keanu's face once and for all.

Ben took a deep breath, patted the gun in his jacket pocket, and pulled open the door. The bright daylight momentarily blinded him and it took him a second to realise someone was trying to make their way in at the exact same time. Ben’s eyes adjusted to the light and he caught his breath as the figure in front of him came into clear view. 

“Alright, Callum?” Ben asked casually. He tried to ignore his quickening heartbeat and the butterflies in his stomach. He had more pressing matters to deal with right now and besides Callum was history. If you could call something that had barely even happened “history". 

“Oh, hi Ben,” Callum smiled. “I was just passing so thought I might as well have a drink.”

“On your own?”

“Well, it’s been a long day at work. I just fancied a quiet pint.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. Callum had found himself craving his own company more and more lately. However, the fact that he’d overheard Jay mention that Ben was temporarily working at E20 had undeniably influenced his choice of venue.

Ben looked at Callum and suddenly noticed the bags under his eyes, the redness around them as if he’d been crying. His shoulders were hunched as if they carried a huge weight upon them. The top button of his shirt was undone and his tie hung loose around his neck. He looked exhausted. Ben felt a pang of sadness and empathy and had to clench his fist to stop himself reaching out to Callum. He had his own problems to sort out, he couldn’t allow himself to get distracted. 

“Well, I’m not sure how I feel about people coming to East London’s premier nightclub for a quiet drink but your money’s as good as anyone’s.” Ben extended his arm towards the inside of E20 and waved his hand with a flourish, an obsequieous smile painted on his face. “So, thank you for your custom and I hope you have a lovely evening, sir.”

Callum laughed softly, the weariness in his face lifting a little. Ben smiled at him, the realisation that he had made Callum feel better, even for a split second, sending a warm glow through him.

“Do you...do you want a drink?” Callum asked tentatively.

Ben hesitated for a second then shook the thought out of his head.

“I can’t. I’ve got to be somewhere.”

“Oh,” the dejected look returned to Callum’s face. “Okay, no worries,” he added quickly, plastering a smile onto his face.

“I thought you wanted to be on your own anyway?”

“Well, yeah, I just...I haven’t seen you around much lately.”

“That might have something to do with the fact that whenever I’m ‘around' you, a member of your family pops up to try and rearrange my face.” 

“I’m sorry,” Callum said, lowering his gaze. 

“Whatever,” Ben shrugged. “Anyway, like I said, I’ve got to go.”

Callum stood aside to let Ben pass, catching sight of the cuts on his face as did so. 

“Ben. Wait.”

Ben stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Callum. Callum instinctively lifted his hand towards the broken skin on Ben’s face but caught himself before he actually touched him. His hand stayed suspended in mid air for an awkward few seconds until he lowered his arm self consciously.

“Was this Stuart?” he asked quietly.

“That depends,” Ben said, trying to hide how flustered the proximity of Callum’s hand had made him.

“On what?”

“On whether it’s more or less likely to make you want to kiss it better?” Ben replied with a teasing smile.

Callum sighed and ran his hand over his face. 

“I just wanted to know if you were okay,” Callum said wearily. He couldn’t deal with Ben’s wind ups right now. He felt tears prickling his eyes and blinked quickly to try to push them back. 

“I’m fine,” Ben said. “You’re the one who doesn’t look okay.”

Callum opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He just stood there looking hopelessly at Ben. Ben felt a sudden rush of tenderness and compassion for the man standing in front of him. All thoughts of Keanu, Phil, the whole business about the will, disappeared from his mind. All he could see was the pain in Callum’s eyes and all he wanted to do was make it disappear.

“Come back to mine...” Ben said quietly, not waiting for a reply as he walked out of E20. 

Callum wasn’t sure if Ben was asking or telling him but he mumbled “Okay" before turning to follow Ben in the direction of the Beale house.

“Go through, sit down,” Ben gestured towards the living room. “I’ll get you a drink.”

Callum hovered in the doorway, looking around nervously.

“It’s okay,” Ben reassured him. “No one’s in. Ian and Bobby are at the restaurant, Mum's at the bar, Lola and Lexi have gone to the pictures with Billy and the kids...” 

Callum relaxed a little and walked into the living room, sitting down on the sofa while Ben opened the fridge door as he continued talking.

“...and Rainie's out on a date with your brother. Is beer okay or do you want something stronger?”

“Beer’s fine...Hold on, did you just say Stuart’s on a date with Rainie?!” Callum asked with a frown.

“Apparently, according to my mum.” Ben strolled into the living room and handed Callum a can of beer. He perched himself against the table as Callum looked up at him from the sofa. 

“Stuart and Rainie?” Callum shook his head in disbelief. “I mean, I knew they were sort of friends but I didn’t know they were...how long have they been...?” Callum took a long gulp of beer.

“How am I supposed to know?” Ben shrugged. “If you want to gossip about other people’s love lives you should go and have this conversation with Dot.”

“She’s in Ireland.”

“Oh, so my company is second best to Dot's,” Ben scoffed. “You sure know how to make a boy feel special, don’t you?” 

Ben’s tone was caustic but the look he shared with Callum silently conveyed the layer of truth under the sarcasm of his words. 

The sound of Ben’s phone ringing broke the silence. Ben looked at the screen, saw it was Keanu, and immediately pressed the reject button. 

“So...” Ben began to speak but his phone started ringing once more. He checked the screen and rolled his eyes when he saw Keanu’s name again.

“Listen, if you need to get that...” Callum started to rise to his feet.

“No,” Ben said, gesturing for him to stay put. “It’s not important.” He put his phone on silent mode and shoved it back in his pocket. 

Ben took a sip of his beer and waited for Callum to speak but Callum seemed to be in another world, sitting silently on the sofa, staring at the can of beer in his hands.

“When you said you wanted a quiet drink, I didn’t realise we were literally going to sit here in silence,” Ben said finally. 

Callum looked up as Ben’s words startled him back to reality.

“Sorry. I just can’t think straight at the moment. I’m supposed to be writing my wedding vows.”

Ben let out a snort of laughter, which earned him a reproachful look from Callum.

“Sorry,” Ben said, trying to hide the smirk on his face. “But you have to admit it is pretty comical, coming to me of all people to help with that?” 

“I didn’t come to you for help,” Callum said defensively.

“So what did you come to me for?” Ben’s voice dripped with innuendo as he leaned back against the table. Callum remained seated on the sofa, his eyes fixed on his hands, willing himself not to look at Ben. 

“I don’t know. You said ‘come back to mine’ so...” Callum mumbled uncertainly.

“Oh, so you do everything I say now?” Ben smiled mischievously. “Sounds like a fun game. Ben says...look at me.”

Ben took a step forward and tugged at Callum’s tie, forcing him to look up at him. Callum's eyes widened as Ben licked his lips and slowly took off his jacket, hanging it over the back of the chair behind him. Without breaking eye contact with Callum, Ben unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, then the next one, as Callum watched, spellbound, from the sofa. His hands ached to reach out and touch Ben but he didn’t dare. Instead he silently willed Ben to touch him, to make that first move that would let him know it was okay to surrender. 

To Callum’s surprise and disappointment, Ben suddenly turned around and walked to the window, opening it slightly. 

“Getting a bit hot in here,” he said by way of explanation, sitting down on the opposite end of the sofa to Callum. 

“So, these wedding vows...” Ben said.

“I just can’t think of anything to say. I’m not good with words.”

“Can’t you just copy and paste something off the internet?”

Callum shook his head guiltily. He had already thought of that but instead of searching wedding vows had somehow ended up typing “how do I tell my fiancée I’m gay" into the search bar instead. He had found a myriad of results, too many in fact, offering up conflicting advice and stories with outcomes from heartwarming to heartbreaking and everything in between. He'd deleted his search history feeling more confused than ever.

“I can’t do that. It’d be cheating.”

“Oh and you’d never do a thing like that, would you, Callum?”

Callum knew there was no answer to that. He shifted awkwardly on the sofa, avoiding Ben’s eyes. 

“Anyway,” Ben said. “Since you’re here I might as well have a go. How about ‘Dear Whitney, my beautiful beard...’”

“Don’t call her that,” Callum said quietly but firmly.

“Oops, sorry, I meant bride,” Ben smirked as he continued. “’I always knew I wanted to marry you, from the moment I woke up after getting it on in the park with Ben...’” 

“Shut up!” Callum turned angrily towards Ben. “This is all a big joke to you, isn’t it?”

“Oh come on, you know I was just messing,” Ben tried to brush off Callum’s outburst.

“Well you’re not funny. And you don’t need to be nasty about Whitney, none of this is her fault.”

“You’re right. It’s not her fault you don’t want to marry her.”

“I do want to marry her!” Callum said adamantly.

“And yet you can’t think of a reason why. At least not that you can say out loud.”

“There’s loads of reasons. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s kind...”

“Sounds like you’re reading out a shopping list.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? She is all of those things,” Callum said defensively.

“I never said she wasn’t. But how does she make you _feel_, Callum?”

Callum frowned at Ben, as if his question was something he’d never considered before. 

“I...she makes me feel...happy, I guess? She makes me feel good about myself.”

“She makes you feel safe,” Ben corrected him. “She makes you feel like the man you think you should be, instead of the man you really are.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Callum muttered weakly.

“But I do, Callum. You know I do.”

Something in Ben’s voice drew Callum to look at him, despite the warning signs going off in his brain. Ben’s eyes met his and he felt like Ben could see right into his soul, as he moved closer to Callum and spoke again, his voice deep and slow. 

“I know you don’t look at her the way you look at me. I know you’ve never wanted her so much that you ripped her clothes off in the middle of a park.”

Callum gulped as the memory of that night sent a ripple of desire through his body. The look in Ben’s eyes told him he was feeling the same effect. Callum moved forward slightly, staring into Ben's eyes, his lips parted, waiting for Ben’s kiss. But Ben remained still, his eyes making contact with Callum for a few seconds more before turning away and leaning back into the sofa with a deep sigh. Callum looked at him, confusion and disappointment etched on his face.

“What you said earlier,” Ben said, “about this being a joke to me. It’s not. I know I wind you up but that's just me. I try not to do serious. But I...I do care about you, you know. I know how tough it is, what you’re going through.”

Callum looked at Ben, touched by the tenderness in his voice, while Ben looked away, annoyed and surprised at himself by his admission.

“I’m fine,” Callum knew he wasn’t going to fool Ben but habit forced a smile onto his face anyway. “Like I said, it’s just been a long day at work.”

“So why not go home to Whitney? That’s what most people do after a hard day, go home to the person they love, who makes them happy. But you decided to go out drinking by yourself, then ended up back here with me.”

Callum opened his mouth to speak then closed it again. He knew Ben would bat away his protests with the truth. Sure enough, Ben answered his own question.

“Living a lie...it’s exhausting, physically and mentally. The only break from it is when you’re alone. Or when you’re with someone who gets it. I know you care about Whitney and you love her in your own way. But I’m the only person in the world you can truly be yourself with.”

Callum stared at Ben, amazed at his ability to see right through him and read him like a book, to articulate exactly how he felt. 

“I...I don’t know what to do.” Callum’s voice broke into a sob. He lowered his head, brushing his tears away with the sleeve of his jacket. 

“Oh, Callum,” Ben sighed, a stab of pain shooting through him at the sight of Callum’s distress. He moved along the sofa until he was barely an inch away from Callum. 

“Come here,” Ben whispered softly.

Callum looked up slowly, still sniffing back his tears, to see Ben smiling tenderly at him, his arms open, tentatively inviting him into a hug. With a small sob of relief, Callum fell into Ben’s arms and let him hold him as he wept. 

Callum’s tears eventually subsided and he lifted his head to look at Ben. Their arms remained around each other but the warm comfort of the hug turned to a burning need, each man feeling the tension building in the other. 

“I should go,” Callum said, his voice shaking.

“That’s up to you,” Ben whispered, his eyes burning into Callum’s.

Callum remained still but his gaze dropped to Ben’s parted lips. He hesitated as Ben’s eyes closed in anticipation. 

“I’m sorry.” Callum choked on the words as he pulled away from Ben and stood up abruptly. “I can’t...”

Ben’s eyes flew open in shock to see Callum rushing out of the door.

“Callum...” he cried out, his voice breaking into a sob of loss and despair as he heard the kitchen door open and then quietly close again.

Callum leaned forward, his hands pressed against the wall of the Beales' backyard in an attempt to stop himself shaking. He knew he shouldn’t have come here, should never have gone to E20 on the off chance of seeing Ben. He should have gone home to Whitney and carried on as normal, keeping his feelings for Ben buried deep below the surface, where they belonged. Except those feelings weren’t buried at all. He knew Ben had been avoiding him after the attack by Stuart and he’d thought that would make it easier to forget about him but it had had the opposite effect. He thought about Ben constantly, no matter who or what else he tried to focus on; he missed him so much his entire being ached. He’d thought that maybe if he could just see him, he would feel better, the pain might ease even if only for a moment. But Ben was like a drug that Callum couldn’t get enough of. When he saw Ben he wanted to be near him, when he was near him he wanted to touch him, when he touched him he wanted to... Callum bit his lip to suppress a groan of frustration and regret. Why did he have to be such a coward, he asked himself miserably. Callum’s mind pictured Ben as he had left him, sitting on the sofa, his mouth open expectantly. If only he’d been brave enough to move a few centimetres, he and Ben would have been kissing right now... He shook his head to try to clear his mind and stood up straight with a heavy sigh.

Ben sat on the sofa staring at the empty doorway. He ran his hand over his face, trying to make sense of what had, or rather hadn’t, just happened. It had taken every ounce of his self control to keep himself from touching Callum from the moment they’d walked into the house. He'd been torn between his attraction to Callum and his genuine desire to help him. He’d wanted to be a friend to Callum, for him to know he wasn’t alone; but he also wanted Callum to want him, to _show_ him that he wanted him. Maybe that was it, he thought to himself, maybe Callum didn’t want him after all, or at least not enough. He flinched at the thought and bit his lip in an attempt to force it away. So what if Callum didn’t want him? There were plenty of men out there who would and they’d probably all be a lot less hassle than Callum. And anyway, he was Ben Mitchell, he didn’t do feelings where blokes were concerned, not anymore. The sound of the kitchen door opening startled Ben out of his thoughts. He stood up quickly, rolling his eyes in annoyance. He wasn’t in the mood to see or speak to anyone right now. He pulled his jacket on and took a step forward but froze when he saw the figure standing in the doorway.

“What...?”

The words died in Ben’s throat as Callum crossed the room, took Ben’s face in his hands and claimed his mouth with a hard, hungry kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

Ben staggered backwards as Callum kissed him, the momentum sending him slamming into the door. He reached out and grabbed the lapels of Callum’s jacket, partly to steady himself and partly to pull Callum closer, not that Callum appeared to be needing any encouragement. He ran one hand through Ben’s hair, the other down his neck, moaning into Ben’s mouth as their tongues twisted and turned around each other. They pulled apart briefly to breathe and Ben had a flashback to the last time he’d been pinned between this door and Callum’s heaving body. Back then Callum’s eyes had been full of fear and confusion but now as Ben looked at Callum he saw desire, resolve and something else, something he couldn’t name but that felt warm and familiar and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He felt Callum’s breath on his lips as he leaned in to resume the kiss but Ben hesitated for a moment.

“Are you sure about this, Callum?” Ben felt compelled to ask, his voice trembling, fearful of the answer before the question had even left his mouth. His fear lasted only a split second as he felt Callum take his hand and place it on the front of his trousers. Ben gasped, smiling lustily as he slid his hand down the length of Callum’s groin.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Ben murmured, lifting his free hand to the back of Callum’s neck and pulling his head down to kiss him. Callum pressed his body against Ben’s while simultaneously trying to slide his hands under Ben’s jacket. He felt something hard through the fabric, the shape familiar but out of place somehow. He suddenly realised what it was and sharply pulled away from Ben, who let out a groan of confused frustration.

“Is that...is that a gun in your pocket?” Callum asked, his eyes wide with bewilderment.

Ben mentally kicked himself but he couldn’t help but laugh.

“I know this is all new to you but you really need to work on your chat up lines.”

“Ben! It’s not funny,” Callum said, taking a step back. 

“It’s okay,” Ben smirked at him. “It doesn’t mean I’m not pleased to see you.”

Callum let out a deep sigh and shook his head, turning away from Ben. 

Ben groaned inwardly and looked up at the ceiling. He couldn’t believe he’d managed to scare Callum off again. And this time it wasn’t even his fault, not really. This was down to Phil and Keanu, they were the reason he was carrying the gun in the first place. They’d already taken everything else from him and now they were going to take this moment with Callum from him too. Ben decided he wasn’t going to let that happen. Callum was still standing there, he could still bluff his way out of this. 

“It’s no big deal,” Ben shrugged, taking the gun out of his pocket. “I mean, it’s not like you’ve never seen a gun before, is it, soldier boy?”

“That’s completely different,” Callum said, exasperated. “They give you proper training in the army, teach you about safety. Do you even know how...?”

“Relax,” Ben assured him, running his finger along the barrel of the gun. “It’s not loaded.”

“You'd still get arrested for having it though.”

“Only if I get caught. Anyway, it’s not mine, I’m only borrowing it.”

“For God’s sake, Ben!” Callum ran his hand over his face. “What are you involved in that you need a gun for?”

“Nothing,” Ben said casually. “It’s just a bit of fun.”

“Fun?!” Callum retorted.

“Yeah, you know, role play. You’d be surprised what some people are into.” 

Callum looked at Ben dubiously. 

“Yeah, I thought it was a bit weird when I saw his message but his picture was hot and it’s been a while, so I thought why not? I'll try anything once.”

Ben smiled and ran his tongue across his bottom lip then turned and bent down to open the sideboard, offering Callum an enticing view of his backside as he hid the gun at the back of the cupboard. 

He turned around to see Callum staring at him open-mouthed, his eyes wide and glinting with desire.

“Sorry, were you enjoying the view?” Ben asked innocently.

Callum smiled coyly and took a step closer to Ben.

“So are you just going to stand there undressing me with your eyes or...” 

The next thing Ben knew was that Callum’s mouth was on his again, his tongue parting his lips and sliding inside, his hands fumbling with his belt buckle. 

“Wait.. “ Ben gasped breathlessly. “Not here.”

Ben glanced towards the stairs and held his hand out to Callum. Callum took Ben’s hand eagerly, linking their fingers tightly together, his free hand removing his tie as they ran up the stairs to Ben’s room. 

The door had barely closed behind them before Callum shook off his jacket and his hands were on Ben’s belt again, his breathing heavy with anticipation. He quickly loosened the buckle and undid the button of Ben’s jeans with one hand while the other slipped under Ben’s shirt, roaming over his chest.

“Hey, easy tiger,” Ben chuckled, holding Callum’s hand still over his chest. He raised his other hand and cupped Callum’s cheek before planting a gentle kiss on his lips. “What’s the rush?”

Ben took Callum's hand and led him to the bed. He sat down on the mattress, his thumb stroking the back of Callum’s hand, his eyes a silent invitation to join him. He felt Callum’s fingers tighten around his hand as he nodded almost imperceptibly and sat down on the bed next to Ben. 

The evening sun cast a warm orange glow through the curtains as the two men gazed at each, hearts pounding, bodies trembling, lips drawing together as if compelled by an invisible force which they were powerless to stop even if they wanted to. Callum was gripped by a sense of trepidation, a feeling that this was a life changing moment for him. He’d never felt more scared yet, conversely, more sure of anything in his life. He closed his eyes as his lips met Ben’s and let himself fall back onto the bed, pulling Ben with him. They lay side by side on the bed, sharing a deep, lingering kiss, Ben’s fingers in Callum’s hair, Callum’s hand stroking Ben’s cheek, then his neck, then sliding under his shirt and over his back. The warmth of Ben’s skin ignited Callum’s senses and he pulled Ben towards him, pressing their bodies together. Ben let out a moan as he gently pushed Callum onto his back and started unbuttoning his shirt, covering the exposed skin with kisses, his lips leaving a burning trail of desire on Callum’s chest. Callum reached out and pulled at Ben’s shirt, desperate to feel his skin against his own. Ben pulled his shirt over his head and leaned down to kiss Callum, grinding his body against him as Callum’s hands roamed over his back and onto his arse, squeezing and groping him through his jeans. Callum’s hands moved round to Ben’s zip and this time Ben didn’t stop him, anymore than he could stop his own hand reaching for Callum’s belt. Within seconds they were naked, limbs entwined, bodies grinding together, mouths hungrily devouring each other. The room echoed to the sound of their sighs and moans as they explored each other’s bodies with their fingers and tongues, the passion between them growing with every touch until neither could tell where their own body ended and the other’s began. Time and the world stood still as they drove each other to a shuddering, exhilarating climax, collapsing into each other's arms amid breathless cries of joy and release.

“You okay?” Ben asked softly, once their bodies had stopped shaking and their breathing had returned to normal, as they held each other in the warmth of the afterglow.

“Yeah,” Callum replied quietly, his mouth breaking into a smile. “I'm more than okay. I just...I can’t believe that actually happened.” 

“Oh, it happened alright,” Ben grinned, propping himself up on his elbow to look at Callum. “I’ve got a bite mark on my shoulder to prove it.”

“Sorry,” Callum said with a bashful smile, running his thumb over the indented skin on Ben’s shoulder.

“Don’t be sorry.” Ben reached out to stroke Callum’s face and Callum knew he wasn’t just talking about the bite mark. 

“I’m not,” Callum said truthfully, looking deep into Ben’s eyes before cupping his cheek with his hand and planting a tender kiss on his lips. 

They lay together in contented silence for a while, Callum’s head resting on Ben’s shoulder, until Ben suddenly got up and pulled on his dressing gown. 

“Be right back,” he winked at Callum as he left the room. 

Callum suddenly felt a shiver of cold without the warmth of Ben’s body next to him. He snuggled under the duvet and wrapped it around himself, inhaling Ben’s scent as his eyes closed and his skin tingled with the memory of what had just happened. He’d meant what he’d said to Ben. He wasn’t sorry, although he knew he probably should be. He might yet live to regret it but right now he didn’t care. 

The bedroom door opened and Ben walked back in. He placed two cans of beer on the bedside table then started ripping open a packet of chocolate biscuits.

“What’s this, room service?” Callum asked with a chuckle, opening a can of beer.

Ben mumbled something incomprehensible as he shoved a chocolate biscuit in his mouth and held out the packet to Callum, who took a biscuit, even though he wasn’t hungry, and placed the packet on the bedside table. 

“Oi! I haven’t finished,” Ben said, gesturing at Callum to pass the biscuits back. “I’m starving,” he muttered, stuffing another biscuit into his mouth.

Callum smiled as he looked at Ben sitting cross-legged on the bed munching on the biscuits, his dressing gown hanging open to reveal his bare chest, his hair messy and still slightly damp with sweat. The setting sun through the curtains framed him in an almost sepia glow. Callum thought he was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. 

“Pass us a beer, will ya?” Ben’s voice brought Callum out of his dream-like state.

Callum absent-mindedly reached behind him to pick the unopened beer can off the bedside table as Ben licked a smudge of chocolate off his thumb. The gesture sent a frisson of longing through Callum’s body, causing his hand to shake and send the beer can tumbling off the table and rolling across the floor. 

“Sorry,” Callum apologised, moving to get up off the bed as Ben rolled his eyes with a smile of amusement.

“Leave it,” Ben shrugged, taking Callum’s beer out of his hand instead. “I think we’re past worrying about sharing saliva on a can,” he added with a grin. 

“Fair point,” Callum smiled, as Ben raised the beer can to his lips and took a long drink from it.

“So,” Ben handed the beer can back to Callum and leaned back against the pillow. “What happens now?”

Callum turned away from Ben and placed the beer can carefully on the bedside table. He knew what Ben was asking but he didn’t want to have to think about it, not yet. He'd never felt so happy and at peace with himself as he did in the cocoon of Ben’s room. He wasn’t ready for the outside world to intrude and burst his bubble. 

“I’m sure we can think of something,” Callum smiled, moving closer to Ben and running his fingers lightly over his chest. 

“I’m being serious, Cal,” Ben said, his voice faltering slightly at the touch of Callum’s hand.

“So am I.”   
Callum’s fingers travelled down Ben’s chest and over his stomach, eliciting a soft moan from Ben’s throat. Callum leaned in to kiss him and all thoughts of serious conversation disappeared from Ben’s mind.

~

Ben awoke suddenly to a room almost completely shrouded in darkness and the sound of gentle snoring next to him. It took him a moment to process where he was and with whom, then he remembered and turned to look at Callum, smiling at the sight of his sleeping head resting on the pillow next to him. He brushed a stray lock of hair off Callum’s forehead and wondered if he should wake him. He didn’t want to, of course, but it was getting late and he didn’t want to waste whatever precious time they had. Ben lay there watching Callum sleep for a minute, his heart swelling at how peaceful and contented he looked now, compared to the haunted look on his face when he’d first seen him at E20 just a few hours ago. Ben bent his head to plant a gentle kiss on the top of Callum’s head when he noticed the light from his phone flashing on the floor where it lay amid his and Callum’s discarded clothes. He reached over and picked it up, just as the call from Jay went to voicemail. Ben checked his notifications, frowning at the multiple missed calls and voicemails from Jay, Louise, Sharon, Lola and Keanu. His mouth dropped open in shock as he listened to Jay’s message.

“Ben! Where are you?! Phil’s in hospital, he’s been attacked. You need to get here NOW!!”

Ben stared at his phone for a moment, trying to process Jay’s words, then leapt to his feet and turned on the light before pulling on his clothes. He noticed Callum stirring in the bed and shook him awake. 

“Callum! Wake up!” 

Callum opened his eyes slowly, smiling when he saw Ben’s face above him.

“Hey,” Callum murmured sleepily, reaching out to touch Ben’s cheek. 

“No, Callum, you need to get up,” Ben said urgently. 

“What...?” Callum mumbled, his mind still hazy with sleep. 

“My dad’s been attacked. I need to get to the hospital,” Ben explained quickly, gathering Callum’s clothes and tossing them onto the bed next to him. “Now get dressed!” 

“Is he okay, your dad?” Callum asked as he hurriedly got dressed.

“I don’t know. That’s why I need to get to the hospital,” Ben rolled his eyes impatiently. “Come on!”

Ben opened the door as Callum finished putting his shoes on and stood up. Callum hesitated in the doorway.

“Is it safe?” 

Ben sighed and rolled his eyes again.

“Wait here,” he said and he padded quietly down the stairs. The house was silent and dark. 

“All clear,” he hissed quietly up the stairs as he turned on the light in the living room. Callum quickly made his way down the stairs and headed towards the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and took Ben’s hand. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” 

“I’ll be fine,” Ben assured him. “Now go!”

Ben bundled Callum into the kitchen. 

“Let me know if...” 

Callum fell silent as the sound of the front door opening filtered through to the living room. He quickly leaned forward and planted a fleeting kiss on Ben’s mouth before rushing out of the back door as Lexi ran into the living room, followed by Lola.

“Daddy!”

“Hello gorgeous!” Ben picked Lexi up and kissed her cheek. “Did you enjoy the film?”

“Lexi, go upstairs and get changed, there’s a good girl,” Lola said before Lexi had a chance to answer. She turned to Ben as Lexi disappeared up the stairs. 

“Where the hell have you been?!” Lola asked Ben. “Everyone’s been trying to call you! Your dad...”

“I know, I just got Jay’s message. I’m going up the hospital now.” 

“Okay. Well, let me know how he is, won’t you?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

“What are you waiting for then?” Lola asked suspiciously as Ben hovered by the sideboard.

“I...er...I need to drop some paperwork at E20 first. I’m sure I left it in here.” Ben opened the sideboard door and inserted as much of his upper body as he could fit inside, picking up the gun and sliding it into his pocket as he pretended to rummage around, hoping he’d angled his body to avoid Lola seeing. 

“Surely that can wait?” Lola asked, frowning at Ben.

“You know what my dad’s like. He’ll think I’m using the fact he’s in hospital to skive off,” Ben’s muffled voice came from inside the sideboard. “I need to prove that he can trust me, remember?”

“Yeah, I suppose, “ Lola said as Ben emerged from the sideboard brandishing an envelope. 

“Found it,” he smiled at Lola. “I’d better go. I’ll call you when I get there,” he added, rushing out of the kitchen door.

~

Callum took a deep breath as he took his keys out of his pocket. He’d spent the last hour wandering around aimlessly before buying a bag of chips from the chippy and sitting on the bench by the war memorial to eat them slowly, despite his sudden ravenous appetite, to delay the inevitability of having to go home to Whitney. He felt sure she’d know straight away, it must surely be written all over his face that he’d spent the evening making love with Ben. He couldn’t suppress a smile at the memory, still so vivid his entire body shivered with pleasure at the thought of it. He shook his head and bit his bottom lip, mentally bracing himself as he turned the key in the lock and made his way slowly up the stairs. He’d barely got through the doorway before Whitney came rushing up to him.

“Callum?! Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! Apparently Phil’s been attacked and left for dead. I thought you...” Whitney’s voice trailed off. 

“I’m fine,” Callum smiled at her. He placed his hands on her arms, averting the hug she tried to give him. “Sorry I’m late. I had to go and see a customer at home.” 

“Really?” Whitney frowned at him. “Because I called Jay and he never mentioned it. He said he hadn’t seen you since closing time.”

“Yeah, this customer, she called just as I was locking up. She was in a bad way, worried about her husband’s funeral next week, so I said I’d go round and go over everything with her.”

“And that’s where you’ve been all this time? It’s nearly 10 o'clock!”

“Yeah, I...um...I got on the wrong bus home. I was halfway to Islington before I realised, then I had to wait ages for the right one.” 

Callum’s face reddened with guilt at how easily the lies seemed to fall from his mouth. He heard Ben’s voice in the back of his mind. _“But Callum, you’re so good at lying.” _He’d never thought of himself as being a liar, let alone a good one, but here was further proof that Ben seemed to know him better than he knew himself.

“I’m gonna have a shower,” he told Whitney, quickly making his way to the bathroom before she had a chance to speak. 

~

Ben snuck into E20 without being noticed, returned the gun to the safe and quickly made his way out again. He got out his phone to order a cab to the hospital then called Jay, who updated him on Phil’s condition. He’d been found by Keanu in the pit at the Arches, bleeding heavily from a blow to the head. He was undergoing surgery but the medical staff couldn’t guarantee he would survive or make a full recovery if he did. The police had been to the hospital too and taken statements from Keanu, Sharon and Louise. They wanted to speak to Ben too as soon as possible. Ben assured Jay he’d be there soon and hung up.

He stared out of the window as the car drove through the dark, deserted streets. He was shaken by the fact that Keanu had been the one to find Phil. If he hadn’t bumped into Callum and had gone to the Arches as planned, he might have been in time to stop the attack. He knew he should feel guilt or at least some semblance of regret but he didn’t. Nothing could make him regret those blissful hours he’d spent with Callum. He smiled to himself at the memory. He hadn’t felt this close to happiness since... He touched the ring on his finger that concealed the scar from Paul’s tattoo and the pang of guilt hit him then. He’d lost count of the number of men he’d had sex with since Paul died, but this was the first time he’d felt guilty about it. Thinking of Paul, of how it still hurt to have lost him, sent a stab of pain through Ben and he realised it wasn’t guilt he felt about what had happened with Callum. It was fear. Fear of how it had made him feel and fear of what it would be like to lose him too.

~

“Ooh there’s a sight for sore eyes,” Whitney smiled at Callum from the sofa as he walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. Callum mentally kicked himself for not taking a change of clothes into the bathroom with him. He hurried into the bedroom and threw on a pair of boxers and tracksuit bottoms before Whitney entered the room as he was about to pull on a t-shirt.   
“You don’t need to bother with that,” Whitney smiled, taking the t-shirt from Callum’s hand. “Or these,” she added, tugging at his tracksuit bottoms. 

“I’m tired, Whit,” Callum sighed, pushing her hand away. 

“You’re always tired lately,” Whitney said quietly, sitting down on the bed. 

“I’m sorry. I’ve just got a lot on at work and...”

“What, do you think I don’t work hard all day too?” Whitney interrupted angrily. “And I’m trying to plan a wedding at the same time, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“I’m sorry...”

“No, Callum, sorry's not good enough. I’m sick of doing everything myself. We’re supposed to be in this together but half the time you’re in your own little world, like I don’t even exist. Then tonight you just disappear for hours...”

“I told you, I had to do a home visit.”

“And you couldn’t phone or text to let me know?”

“My battery died.” Another lie, Callum thought guiltily to himself. He’d turned his phone off when he’d left work and headed for E20. It didn’t lessen his guilt that Whitney appeared not to have heard him. 

“I mean, the nutter who attacked Phil could still be out there,” she continued. “I thought I was gonna be a widow before we've even got married.”

“Don’t be silly,” Callum said with a nervous laugh.

“Oh, I’m being silly now, am I?”

“No, Whit, I didn’t mean...”

“Well, if that’s how you feel you can sleep in the spare room tonight. That way you won’t have to be anywhere near silly little me!”

“Whit, please, don’t be like that.”

“Just get out, Callum!” Whitney yelled, throwing his t-shirt at him and turning her head away from him. Callum picked his t-shirt up off the floor and hesitated for a moment before turning and leaving the room. He heard Whitney slamming the door behind him and felt a wave of self-loathing sweep over him. He hated himself for hurting Whitney but he hated himself even more for feeling relieved that he wouldn’t have to share a bed with her tonight. 

~

The cab pulled up outside the hospital, forcing Ben to focus on the here and now. He paid and thanked the driver and made his way inside the building. 

“Ben! Where have you been?!” Louise rushed towards him as he entered the waiting room. He hugged his sister as she cried, assuring her that Phil would be fine. He could feel Keanu glaring at him, while Sharon sat staring into space. Jay was nowhere to be seen. Louise’s tears subsided and Ben asked her if she wanted a drink. 

“Tea please,” she smiled weakly.

“Anyone else?” Ben asked.

“I’m fine. Thanks, Ben,” Sharon said.

Keanu remained silent, his arms folded across his chest.

Ben walked down the corridor to the vending machine. He got Louise’s tea, a coffee for himself and three bars of chocolate. He turned around to see Keanu standing in front of him. 

“That’s Louise’s,” Ben said, handing a polystyrene cup to Keanu. 

“Where were you?” Keanu asked curtly.

“What?” Ben frowned.

“You were supposed to meet me at the Arches but you never turned up.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Something came up.” Ben smiled smugly as he emphasised the last two words. 

“And you didn’t think to let me know?”

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, Keanu, but you weren’t exactly at the forefront of my mind at the time.”

Keanu rolled his eyes. 

“So what did you want to see me about anyway?”

“Like you don’t know,” Ben scoffed.

“If I did, I wouldn’t have sat there for ages waiting for you, would I?”

“Well, I am worth waiting for...” Ben's smirk turned to a frown as realised what Keanu had said.   
“Hold on...you sat there for ages? I thought you were the one who found my dad?”

“Yeah,” Keanu looked away awkwardly. “I didn’t see him at first.”

“You didn’t see him?!” Ben spluttered. 

“He was in the pit. I thought the place was empty. It was only when his phone rang that I realised he was there, then I called the ambulance straight away.”

“Oh, well that’s okay then. It’s not like every second counts where head injuries are concerned.”

“It’s not my fault. At least I did find him. If it was down to you, he’d still be lying there now.”

Keanu frowned suddenly as if a thought had occurred to him. He turned and walked back towards the waiting room, leaving Ben staring after him, a feeling of unease creeping over him. 

~

Callum walked into the spare room, closing the door behind him and sitting down on the bed. He tried to avoid coming in here, it was too closely associated with Ben. Like the night of the house warming party, when he’d seen a side of Ben he could never have imagined even existed. Ben was open and unapologetic about his sexuality but Callum had discovered that night that there were plenty of other aspects of Ben that he kept well hidden. His vulnerability, his pain and grief over Paul, his loneliness.   
Callum would never have admitted it at the time, not even to himself, but Ben’s cocky, arrogant, smart arse persona excited, scared and fascinated him in equal measure. But the ache in his heart when Ben’s broken voice had spoken about Paul had terrified him. He couldn’t put a name to what he’d felt. He’d just known that he wanted to be near Ben, to comfort him, to maybe feel some comfort in return. But of course, he hadn’t dared, not then. 

Callum lay back on the bed and sighed. Another reason he avoided this room was that it was Paul’s room. He knew it was pathetic and shameful but he couldn’t help feeling jealous of Paul, of the times he’d spent with Ben in this bed. Even after the night in the park with Ben, he’d still felt a growing twinge of jealousy whenever he was in this room, and his head would fill with mental images of Ben and Paul which in turn would become images of himself with Ben. He’d imagine that instead of a cold park bench they were somewhere warm and cosy, with the time and space to discover whatever this feeling, this connection between them was. Callum felt goosebumps all over his skin as he thought back to a few hours earlier. He didn’t have to imagine anymore, though it still didn’t quite seem real. It didn’t seem possible that sex could be like that, so natural and effortless. With Whitney he always felt an almost suffocating pressure to make it enjoyable for her, if not for himself, and he was never quite convinced that he’d succeeded. With Ben, he’d just gone with the flow, instinctively knowing what to do. There was no awkwardness or self-doubt, no need to wonder how it felt for Ben because he just knew, he could feel Ben’s pleasure as strongly as his own. It was like he and Ben had been designed for each other by some higher power, their bodies fitting together perfectly as if their only purpose was to make love to each other. He’d never felt so alive as he had in Ben’s arms, never felt as connected to anyone or anything. Nothing had ever felt so right, not even that night in the park. That night had been like a lightbulb moment, a sudden burst of light that had shown him a brief glimpse of what he’d been missing and yearning for his whole life. But it had been spontaneous, frantic, over before he’d really had time to think of what he was doing. He’d been able to convince himself that it had been a mistake, a one off moment of madness. But tonight couldn’t be dismissed so easily. He’d made a conscious decision to go back into the house, to kiss Ben, to go to his room, to surrender to whatever force of nature it was that drew them together. His need to be with Ben had overwhelmed him. It scared him to his very core but as he’d told Ben earlier, he couldn’t bring himself to be sorry.

Callum picked up his phone and switched it on. He typed out a text to Ben.

“Hope your dad's ok. Call me if you need me x"

~

Ben returned to the waiting room, smiling when he saw Jay there. 

“Any news?” Ben asked as he hugged Jay. Jay shook his head.

“He’s still in theatre. The nurse said it might be another couple of hours.”

Sharon stifled a sob and Jay moved across the room to sit next to her. 

“He'll be fine. The doctors know what they’re doing.” 

“Jay’s right,” Ben said. “Though it might have helped if he’d got here sooner,” he added, with a pointed look at Keanu. 

“Ben!” Louise scolded him. “It’s not Keanu’s fault.”

“Sure,” Ben said tersely. 

“Oh, come on, Ben,” Jay sighed. “How was he to know?”

“Because maybe he put him there?” Ben said. “I mean, we've only got his word for it that he found him.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sharon snapped. 

“Yeah, why would Keanu want to hurt Dad?” Louise asked.

“You don’t know?” 

“Know what?” Louise frowned.

Ben let out a bitter laugh. 

“Turns out our loving dad has cut me out of his will and put your boyfriend in it instead.”

“What?!” Louise and Keanu asked in unison, looking at each other, then at Ben, in disbelief.

“Yeah, that’s right. He's providing for Keanu so Keanu can provide for you. Hashtag feminism.” Ben rolled his eyes. 

“I...I had no idea,” Keanu said, shaking his head. 

“If you say so,” Ben said. “I bet you’ve already spent that money in your head.” 

“That’s enough, Ben!” Sharon shouted at him. “I know you’re upset and worried about your dad but don’t take it out on Keanu.”

Ben stared at Sharon, shaking his head incredulously.

“Am I seriously the only one who finds it all just a bit too much of a coincidence? He just happens to find my dad with his head caved in, days after leaving him a shed load of money?”

“I’ve already told you, I knew nothing about the money!” Keanu got to his feet, angrily squaring up to Ben. “And anyway, you were supposed to be at Arches at the time. How do we know you didn’t attack Phil and leave him there for me to find him?”

“What?! Are you for real?!” Ben exploded. “You’re accusing me of trying to kill my own dad?!”

“Well, it’s not like you haven’t got form, is it?” Keanu asked pointedly. 

Ben felt the red mist descend over him and he launched himself at Keanu, grabbing him by the neck of his t-shirt. 

“Ben! Leave him alone!” Louise screamed, as Jay rushed to pull Ben away from Keanu. 

“Get him out of here, Jay,” Sharon ordered. 

“Come on, bruv. You need to calm down,” Jay said, putting his arm around Ben’s shoulders and guiding him out of the room.

“What was that all about?” Jay asked as they sat down on the plastic chairs in the corridor.

“You really have to ask?”

“Listen, I know you don’t like Keanu but he’s a good bloke.”

“Not you an’ all, Jay?” Ben sighed. “Why does everyone think the sun shines out of his backside?”

“No one thinks that. But no one thinks he’s capable of attacking your dad either.”

“But they think I am?”

“No one’s saying that either.”

“Well, I didn’t see anyone rushing to defend me.”

Jay let out a heavy sigh. 

“Yeah, well, you didn’t exactly help yourself, did you? Going for him like that?”

“What was I supposed to do? He accused me of trying to kill my dad.”

“And you accused him of the same thing.”

“You don’t think it’s at all suspicious?”

“No, Ben, I don’t. Keanu might be a lot of things but he’s not a murderer.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Ben conceded. “He hasn’t got the bottle.”

“Exactly. Anyway, it’s Phil you should be worrying about, not Keanu.”

Ben sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling. 

“Why should I? Worry about my dad, I mean. Why should I even care?”

“Because he's your dad?”

“Well why doesn’t he act like it then? He treats Keanu more like his son than me.”

“Ben...”

“No, Jay, it’s true. He doesn’t give a toss about me. He walked straight past me the other week, when I was lying bleeding in the middle of the street. But I’m supposed to be the dutiful son, weeping at his bedside?”

“Look, I know he’s never going to win any Father of the Year awards but he’s the only father you’ve got and if...”

“Well, maybe I’d have been better off with no father at all,” Ben interrupted sulkily.

“Seriously? You’re saying that to _me_?” Jay looked at Ben incredulously.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said quietly. “I didn’t think.”

“No, you never do,” Jay sighed.

They sat in silence for a moment then Ben spoke again.

“You know, I didn’t think twice when I got your message. I had a proper hottie in my bed but I practically kicked him out just to get here as soon as I could, because we're Mitchells, we’re all about family, looking out for each other. But you know what, I don’t feel like I’m family. I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”

Ben stood up abruptly.

“See you later, bruv,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“You’re not leaving?”

“Who’s gonna miss me? Just call me if there’s any news. And if he does peg it, make sure you send the funeral bill to Keanu.”

“Ben!” Jay called exasperatedly but Ben was already halfway down the corridor.

~

Callum had stared at the screen for a couple of minutes after hitting send, hoping for an immediate reply, telling himself when it didn’t come that Ben would have switched his phone off at the hospital or was just too preoccupied with his dad and family to answer right away. He opened a gaming app and tried to distract himself with a mindless car chase game, waiting for a text or call from Ben. 

Thirty minutes later and the only notification on his screen was the low battery warning. He got up to go into the living room to get a charger. He was about to open the door when he heard the door of his and Whitney’s bedroom open. He quickly lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep in case Whitney was about to walk into the spare room. He heard her clattering about in the kitchen before going back into the bedroom and closing the door again. He breathed a sigh of relief but the reminder of her presence brought his guilt, his shame and self-loathing flooding back. He forgot about the phone charger and let the battery run itself down as he buried his head in the pillow, bitter tears falling from his eyes until sleep finally claimed him.

~

Ben stepped outside the hospital and checked his phone. His heart skipped a beat when he saw he had a text from Callum. A smile spread across his face as he read it.

“Hope your dad's ok. Call me if you need me x"

Ben quickly walked over to the taxi rank across the street and got into a cab. 

“Albert Square please, mate,” he said to the driver. 

Ben read Callum’s text again. “Call me if you need me x" His finger hovered over the call icon but he stopped himself from tapping it. It was almost midnight, Callum would probably be asleep and might not appreciate being woken up. And what if Whitney woke up and saw Ben was calling Callum in the middle of the night? He felt a stab of jealousy at the thought of Whitney lying asleep next to Callum but he pushed the thought out of his mind. There was no way Callum was still going to marry Whitney, not after tonight. Ben's stomach fluttered and he sighed wistfully as he recalled their lovemaking.

“Call me if you need me x"

The word “need" was open to interpretation but it definitely applied to how Ben felt right now. 

“You awake?” he typed and pressed send before he could change his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to update. Boring real life stuff and exciting on screen Ballum stuff haven't left me much time for writing lately. But I'm stubborn if nothing else so I will finish this story one way or another. 
> 
> I don't blame anyone for getting bored of waiting but for anyone still interested, here's chapter 3.

Ben sat at the living room table and took a sip of coffee, his eyes glued to his phone, willing it to ring or light up with a text. He picked up a slice of toast and half-heartedly took a small bite, forcing himself to swallow it even though he had no appetite. He looked at his phone again and told himself for the hundredth time that there was a simple explanation for Callum not replying to his text last night. He’d probably fallen asleep or his battery had died. He wouldn’t be deliberately ignoring him, not after last night. Even Callum, deep in denial as he was, couldn’t ignore what they’d done, what they’d felt, last night. And anyway Callum had texted him first. So why hadn’t he replied? It was quarter past eight in the morning, even if Callum had been asleep last night he’d be up by now, getting ready for work. A thought occurred to Ben: what if Callum had told Whitney? Whitney was feisty, she wouldn’t have taken it calmly. What if she’d hurt Callum, or worse? Ben shook his head and told himself to get a grip, stop being a drama queen. He picked up his toast again and looked at it glumly then dropped it back onto the plate.

“Something wrong with that toast?” Kathy asked, walking in from the kitchen, followed by Ian.

“No, I’m just not hungry.”

“It’s not like you to be off your food. Are you coming down with something?” Kathy placed the back of her hand on Ben’s forehead.

“I’m fine, Mum,” Ben snapped, pushing Kathy’s hand away. “Stop fussing.”

“Oi! Don’t talk to Mum like that,” Ian chided him.

“Leave it, Ian,” Kathy said. “You’re worried about your dad, aren’t you?” she asked Ben, who shrugged in reply. 

“No news, I take it?” Ian asked.

“The surgery went as well as could be expected but he’s in a medically induced coma,” Ben told Ian, repeating what Jay had said in a text earlier that morning. 

“He'll be fine,” Ian said reassuringly. “I mean, this is Phil Mitchell we’re talking about. How many times has he been at death’s door and bounced back? I’m telling you, come the apocalypse, all that’ll be left on this planet will be millions of cockroaches and Phil Mitchell.”

“Ian!” Kathy scolded him. “You’re not helping. Haven’t you got work to do?” 

“Yeah, I should be at the restaurant, got a delivery this morning,” Ian said apologetically. “Let me know if there’s any news,” he added as he walked to the door.

“I need to get going too,” Kathy said. “I would come to the hospital with you but Marie’s off sick and...”

“I’m not going to the hospital.”

“But your dad...?”

“Don’t start, Mum, please,” Ben groaned, burying his head in his hands.

Kathy held her hands up in the air, she knew her son well enough to know he was in no mood to listen. She kissed the top of Ben’s head and headed out of the door, leaving Ben staring at his phone again. He thought again about calling Callum but dismissed the idea almost immediately. He didn’t want to come across as needy. He picked up his coffee but almost spilt it all over the table as a loud knock on the door startled him. He leapt to his feet and rushed to answer it, convinced it must be Callum. His face fell as he opened the door and saw two police detectives standing there.

“Ben Mitchell?” the blonde female detective asked. “I’m DCI Morgan and this is DC Wallace. Can we have a word?”

Ben sighed and stepped aside to let them into the house, waving them through to the living room.

“We just need to ask you a few questions about the attack on your father. We spoke to the rest of your family at the hospital last night but you weren’t there. Apparently no one could get hold of you?”

“I was...busy. I went up the hospital as soon as I heard but you lot had already gone.”

“So when did you last see your father?”

“A couple of days ago,” Ben said. “I went round to his house to talk about the businesses.”

“And did you part on good terms?”

“Not really,” Ben shrugged. “But that’s par for the course with me and my dad.”

“You don’t get on then?”

“I can see why you made detective,” Ben rolled his eyes. DCI Morgan ignored him.

“I understand your dad recently made a new will. He left you out and included a Keanu Taylor instead.”

“Yep. All about family, is Phil Mitchell,” Ben said sarcastically. 

“You must have felt very upset about that? It must have angered you?”

“Woah, hold on a minute. Are you accusing me of attacking my dad?”

“No one’s accusing you of anything, Mr Mitchell. We're just trying to establish why anyone would want to attack your father and leave him for dead.”

“Well, you’ve got your work cut out. My dad ain’t exactly Mr Popular with most people round here.”

“So do you have any idea who might have attacked him?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. Although...” Ben fell silent and turned his face away from the two detectives.

“Although...what?” DCI Morgan asked.

“Well, like you said, Keanu stands to inherit a nice little pay out once my dad’s out of the picture. He found him at the Arches. Or so he says.”

“Yes, we spoke to Mr Taylor last night. According to him, you’d arranged to meet him at the Arches yesterday evening but you didn’t show up. Is that correct?”

“Yeah,” Ben said quietly. There was no point lying, they would check his phone records.

“What did you want to see him for?” 

“Just work stuff,” Ben said casually. 

“So why didn’t you meet him as planned?”

“I got a better offer,” Ben smirked. The two detectives exchanged a glance. 

“Would you care to elaborate?” DCI Morgan asked.

“Really? You want all the details?” Ben smirked. “I know some women have a thing for a bit of boy on boy action but surely you can find enough of it online?”

“No, thank you, Mr Mitchell,” DCI Morgan rolled her eyes. “I don’t want any details. I’m just trying to establish your whereabouts between 5.30 and 9pm last night.”

“Okay,” Ben sighed. “I was on my way to meet Keanu when I met...” Ben paused suddenly. He couldn’t mention Callum’s name, the police would want to speak to him and that could cause all kinds of problems. He couldn’t even be sure that Callum would back up his version of events. 

“I got a match online,” Ben corrected himself. “So I came back here to meet him. I got the voicemail about my dad a couple of hours later and I went straight to the hospital.”

“And this online match can confirm this?”

“Um...yeah,” Ben said hesitantly, wishing he’d stopped to think before opening his mouth.

“We'll need his name and contact details,” DC Wallace said, his pen hovering over his notebook.

“I don’t have a real name or any contact details. That’s not how it works.”

“That’s fine. Just give us the name of the app and his user name and we’ll track him down.”

Ben sighed and got out his phone. He made a show of opening the app and scrolling through it.

“Looks like he’s deleted his profile,” he said with a shrug.

“That’s unfortunate,” DCI Morgan said wryly.

“Well, I guess he figured he’d had the best so why bother with the rest,” Ben said, trying to mask his unease with a cocky smirk.

“We should still be able to trace him through the app data. I’ll get the IT guys onto it. I’ll need the name of the app and your username.”

DC Wallace held out his hand and Ben passed his phone to him. He scribbled down the name of the app and raised an eyebrow as he made a note of the username @BigBen96.

“Thank you. Is there any other information you can give us that might be relevant?”

“No,” Ben shook his head. “But you can give _me_ some information. Like when are your lot going to be finished at the Arches?”

“Hopefully by the end of the day. We'll let you know.”

“Well, the sooner the better if you don’t mind. I’m trying to run a business there, y'know.”

“We appreciate your co-operation. I’m sure you’re just as keen as us to find out who attacked your father.”

“Yeah, so I can buy them a pint,” Ben muttered quietly.

The two detectives exchanged another glance.

“Thank you for your time, Mr Mitchell.” DCI Morgan said coolly. “We'll be in touch.”

“Can’t wait,” Ben smiled sarcastically as the two detectives let themselves out of the house. Ben leaned against the wall and let out a deep sigh before leaving the house and making his way to the funeral parlour.

~

Callum awoke with a start as the sound of the buzzer ripped through the silence in the flat. He stumbled out of bed and into the living room, and mumbled a sleepy “hello?” into the handset.

“Delivery for Whitney Dean?” the voice came through the earpiece.

“Um...yeah...two secs.” 

Callum went downstairs and signed for the delivery, then made his way back up to the flat, his mind still hazy from sleep. He glanced at the delivery box and flinched at the label on it. “Perfect Day Wedding Supplies". He dropped the box on the table and looked around the empty flat. “Whit?!” he called out but he was met with silence. He knocked on the bedroom door then opened it slowly. The room was empty. He sat down on the edge of the bed as the sleepy fog began to dispel and he mentally retraced backwards the events of the previous night. He’d slept in the spare room...the argument with Whitney...coming home late...Ben...The realisation hit him like a sledgehammer. That was why he felt different somehow, why everything felt slightly off kilter. He’d spent the evening with Ben, in his room, in his bed. He closed his eyes and his mind filled with images of the night before. He could hear Ben’s voice calling out his name between his moans and gasps of pleasure, he could still feel the hot weight of Ben’s body against his own. His skin was dotted with scratch marks left by Ben’s stubble. The sound of the buzzer again shook him out of his reverie. He didn’t answer it this time but looked out of the window through a gap in the curtains. Jay was standing outside, his forehead scrunched into a frown. Callum glanced at his watch and realised he was almost half an hour late for work. He rushed into the bathroom in a panic, ignoring the buzzer as he quickly brushed his teeth then hurried into the bedroom to get dressed.

~

“Alright, bruv?”

Ben walked into the funeral parlour, his eyes scanning the premises for a glimpse of Callum. He flopped down into the chair opposite Jay.

“No, not really,” Jay replied from the other side of the desk, too busy sifting through a pile of paperwork to look at Ben. “I was up the hospital until two this morning, I’ve got a ton of work on today and I’m short staffed cos Callum hasn’t turned up.”

“Oh, how come?” Ben tried to sound casual.

“I don’t know. I’ve tried phoning and buzzing up to the flat but he’s not answering.”

“Whitney’s on her stall, have you tried asking her?”

“Yeah, she doesn’t know where he is either. She said she left early to see a supplier or something. I got the feeling they’ve had a falling out.”

Ben felt a growing sense of unease sweep over him.

“Well, you’ve got a spare key, haven’t you? Maybe you should go and check he's okay?” 

“I haven’t got time. I’ve got a family coming in in 10 minutes and then I’ve got...”

“Okay, give me the key. I’ll go.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll give him till lunchtime and if he’s not turned up I’ll go and check.”

“But what if something’s happened to him?” Ben persisted. “Don’t you have a duty of care to your employees?”

Jay put down his pen and looked at Ben.

“I know what’s going on here, you know.”

“Wh...what do you mean?” Ben asked nervously.

“You’re not bothered about Callum. You just want an excuse to put off going to the hospital.”

“Argh!” Ben groaned with exasperation and threw his head back, raising his eyes to the ceiling. “Am I the only person round here whose life doesn’t revolve around Phil Mitchell?!”

Jay raised his eyebrows and shook his head at Ben’s apparent lack of self-awareness. He opened his mouth but Ben continued before Jay had a chance to speak. 

“I’ve had my mum and Ian going on about him over breakfast, then the old bill came round to give me the Spanish Inquisition treatment, now you...All I’ve heard all day is your dad this, your dad that and it’s not even 10 o’clock.”

“He is your dad though, Ben,” Jay sighed. “And he’s in a bad way. Just go and see him, please.”

“What’s the point? He’s in a coma. He ain’t gonna know I’m there, is he? Not that he’d care anyway. As long as Keanu’s there...”

“Ben,” Jay sighed. “You need to get over this obsession with Keanu.”

“I’m not obsessed! I just don’t trust him. I mean, imagine if a woman behaved like him, turned up out of nowhere fluttering her eyelashes, got knocked up and handed a chunk of the family silver? She’d be called a gold digger, a user, a slapper. But no one’s got a bad word for Keanu, everyone’s fine with him waltzing in and taking my place. All that family loyalty stuff, it means nothing where I’m concerned.”

“Look,” Jay sighed. “I get it, alright? You’ve got every right to be angry but at the end of the day Phil’s _your_ dad, not Keanu’s. You need to go see him for your sake, not his. If anything happens to him...”

“I don’t...”

Ben fell silent as the door to the funeral parlour opened and a familiar voice called out.

“Jay! I’m so sorry I’m late.” 

Ben felt his heart stop then start beating rapidly as Callum appeared in the doorway. 

“My battery died so the alarm didn’t go off and...”

Callum’s voice trailed off as his eyes met Ben’s and his stomach filled with butterflies. They gazed at each other for a moment before Callum turned away, trying to quell the longing he felt to touch Ben again. 

“Well don’t just stand there,” Jay said irritably. “There’s a stack of invoices need sorting in the back.”

“Yeah, of course. Sorry,” Callum mumbled awkwardly and headed towards the back office. He turned to glance at Ben once more, his insides turning to jelly as Ben ran the tip of his tongue between his lips. 

“And you,” Jay said, pointing at Ben. “Get yourself down that hospital before it’s too late.”

Ben gave Jay a withering look as he got up from his chair.

“I’ll be at the car lot if you need me,” he called out from the doorway, ostensibly to Jay but hoping he’d been loud enough for Callum to hear. 

Callum sat down at the desk and pulled a phone charger out of the drawer. He plugged in his phone then opened the file containing the invoices. He glanced at the first one but was immediately distracted by his phone springing to life. He cleared the missed call notifications from Jay and stared at the text Ben had sent last night. He felt a pang of sadness and guilt that Ben had needed him and he hadn’t been there for him. He thought about texting a reply but it felt pointless now. Besides, Ben had seemed fine just now. Callum decided he’d speak to Ben later, he needed to concentrate on work right now. He closed his messages and the phone went back to the home screen, with its picture of him and Whitney, a selfie they’d taken in the Vic the day they’d announced their engagement. Callum’s heart sank as he looked at it. They looked so happy and carefree, like an image from one of Whitney’s wedding magazines. Callum held his head in his hands as reality came crashing down on him. He was a terrible person, a cheat, a liar and a fraud. He looked at the picture again. Whitney was so beautiful, so kind, so loving, so perfect in every way...Ben's words from yesterday came bursting into his head.

_“But how does she make you feel, Callum?”_

Callum shook his head to shut out Ben’s voice. He couldn’t deny that Whitney didn’t make him feel like Ben did but so what? His feelings didn’t matter and anyway whatever he felt for Ben could never be like what he felt for Whitney. Ben was forbidden fruit, desirable and delicious but wrong in every conceivable way. He tried to ignore the ache inside him that reminded him that being with Ben hadn’t felt wrong at the time, that in fact nothing had ever felt so right. It was just a fantasy, he told himself, a delusion that could never become reality. Whitney was his reality, his future, all he had ever wanted or would ever want. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he had let her down in the worst possible way. 

Callum waited until Jay was in one of the meeting rooms with a bereaved family and sneaked out of the funeral parlour. He bought a bunch of flowers from the flower stall and walked over to Whitney’s stall. She had her back to Callum as she spoke to a customer. Callum waited until the customer had left then swung his arm around, holding the flowers in front of her. Whitney gasped in surprise and turned around to face Callum, who smiled sheepishly at her. 

“I'm sorry about last night.”

Whitney took the flowers and looked at them, avoiding Callum’s eyes.

“They’re beautiful,” she said quietly.

“Not as beautiful as you,” Callum replied.

Whitney looked up and smiled at him. 

“So am I forgiven then?” Callum asked hopefully.

“I suppose so.” 

Whitney rolled her eyes affectionately and put her arms around Callum’s neck. He hugged her tightly, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that he wished it was Ben he was hugging.

“What time’s your lunch break?” Whitney asked, smiling as she pulled away from the hug. “I’ll meet you at home so we can make up properly,” she added, winking at Callum.

“Oh...um...I’m going to have to work through my lunch break today. I was late this morning so I need to make up the time.”

“Oh, that’s not fair. You worked overtime last night going to see that customer.”

“Yeah, I know, but we’ve got a lot on today,” Callum said quickly, trying to steer the subject away from last night. “How about I cook us a meal tonight instead?”

“It’s a date,” Whitney smiled. 

“Great,” Callum smiled with relief. “Anyway, I’d better get back before Jay notices I’ve gone. I’ll see you tonight.”

Callum planted a quick kiss on Whitney’s cheek and headed back to the funeral parlour. He sighed as he sat down at the desk. All he had to do now was speak to Ben, make it clear that last night hadn’t changed anything, then things could get back to normal. 

~

Ben looked up expectantly as the door to the car lot opened. He smiled and jumped to his feet when he saw Callum entering. 

“Mr Highway...I’ve been expecting you,” Ben grinned, putting his arms around Callum’s neck. The voice inside Callum’s head telling him to pull away faded into oblivion as Ben drew him into a gentle but lingering kiss. Callum’s arms instinctively wrapped themselves around Ben’s waist, pulling him closer, but Ben broke off the kiss and moved towards the door. 

“Just making sure we’re not disturbed,” Ben said, reaching up to pull the bolt across the door. 

“No,” Callum said, pulling him the bolt back. “I can’t stop. I’ve got to get back to work. I just came to...to see how you are.”

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“How’s your dad?”

“Still alive, apparently,” Ben shrugged.

“Have you been to see him?” Callum asked.

“Don’t you start an' all,” Ben sighed. 

“Sorry,” Callum said quietly. He swallowed nervously and cleared his throat.

“Look, Ben, about last night...”

“What about it?” Ben asked cautiously, his eyes narrowing.

“I...um...it was...”

“It was what?” Ben looked defiantly at Callum.

“It was beautiful,” Callum admitted quietly. Those weren’t the words he’d planned to say but somehow Ben had a way of drawing the truth out of him.

“Yeah, it was” Ben smiled softly at Callum then frowned when Callum looked away.

“I’m sensing a ‘but'...” Ben said with a sigh.

Before Callum could reply, the car lot door opened and a man in his late forties entered. A young woman in her early twenties stood behind him.

“Excuse me?” the man said. “We’re interested in the white Volvo? My daughter’s just passed her driving test.” The man smiled proudly at the young woman who beamed back at him.

“Sure,” Ben plastered his best salesman smile onto his face. “I’ll just get the keys.”

“I’ll leave you to it,” Callum said, slipping past the man and his daughter before Ben had a chance to react. 

~

“Leave that till tomorrow,” Whitney said as Callum filled the sink with the washing up from the prawn stir fry he and Whitney had just finished eating. 

“No, the whole place will stink of prawns if I don’t do it now,” Callum insisted. He poured a glass of wine and handed it to Whitney. “You go and relax on the sofa.”

“Okay,” Whitney smiled. “Don’t be long.”

Callum washed, dried and put away the contents of the sink then wiped down the cooker and the kitchen worktops. He looked around for something else to do but the kitchen was spotless. He walked slowly over to the sofa and sat down next to Whitney. 

“You took your time,” she said, snuggling into his arms.

“You know me, I hate a messy kitchen.”

“Well, how about we go and mess up the bedroom instead,” Whitney smiled, leaning over to kiss him. Callum returned the kiss, placing his hand on Whitney’s cheek but couldn’t stop himself flinching at the softness of her skin in comparison to the rough stubble of Ben’s face. 

Callum’s phone suddenly pinged and he quickly pulled away to look at it. His heart started pounding when he saw it was a text from Ben.

_“I’m in the Vic if you fancy a pint? X”_

“Who’s that?” Whitney asked, clearly annoyed at the interruption.

“Oh, it’s just Stuart. He wants to go for a pint.”

“Well, tell him no. I want you all to myself tonight.” 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll tell him.”

Callum typed out a quick reply and put his phone down on the arm of the sofa. Whitney leaned in to kiss Callum again but he turned his head away.

“Actually, I feel a bit sick,” he said, rubbing his stomach. “Must have been a dodgy prawn.”

“Well I feel okay?” Whitney frowned. 

“Trust me to get the one bad one in the pack,” Callum laughed nervously. “I should probably sleep in the spare room again tonight, just in case.”

Whitney sighed and shifted on the sofa.

“Guess that making-up session will have to wait till tomorrow then.”

“Actually, I was thinking...why don’t we wait until the wedding night?”

“What?” Whitney laughed incredulously. “You’re not serious?”

“Yeah, why not?” 

Whitney looked dubiously at Callum. 

“What's the point? It’s not like we haven’t done it before.”

“I know but I was thinking it'd be more romantic if we wait, make it more meaningful.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah. Good things are worth waiting for and all that. It’s only a few weeks anyway.”

“That’s true. I guess it won’t make much difference,” Whitney said, with a caustic, bitter edge to her voice which Callum chose to ignore. He smiled and put his arm around Whitney, kissing the top of her head as she sat stony faced and took a large gulp of wine. 

~

_“I can’t. Sorry.”_

Ben stared at the text from Callum then slammed his phone down on the bar. He knew he shouldn’t have texted him, he’d told himself he’d just be making himself look weak and needy but he wanted to see Callum so badly. He’d been hoping Callum would have come back after they’d been interrupted by the man and his daughter looking to buy the Volvo but he'd neither seen or heard from him since. He was more unnerved than he cared to admit by their encounter at the car lot. Something had felt off, despite Callum’s admission that last night had been beautiful. After last night Ben had been sure that Callum would accept he couldn’t live a lie any longer, he’d end it with Whitney and then...Who was he kidding? He was acting like a lovesick teenager. This wasn’t some fairytale with a sickly sweet happy ending like the ones he read to Lexi at bedtime. Ben downed the remainder of his pint, cursing the day he’d met Callum Highway. 

“Stick another in there, Shirley,” he called across the bar. “Actually, make it a double vodka,” he said as Shirley walked over to him.

“What’s the magic word?” 

“Please,” Ben said through gritted teeth. Shirley flashed a fake, sarcastic smile at him and turned round to get his drink. 

“Problem?” she asked, placing the glass on the bar.

“No,” Ben replied curtly, taking a large swig of vodka before placing a ten pound note on the bar. 

“You don’t fool me, Ben Mitchell. Something’s up,” Shirley said, handing him his change. “Is it your dad?” she asked, her voice taking on a softer tone. 

“Oh for God's sake, can’t I even have a quiet drink without people going on about him?!” 

“I’m only asking,” Shirley said indignantly.

“Well ask someone who cares,” Ben retorted. He knocked back the rest of his vodka and stormed out of the pub. 

~

Callum sat on the swing, staring down at his hands, trying to find the words he needed to say to Ben. He needed him to understand that whatever this thing between them was, it was wrong and it had to stop. No, he couldn’t say that. ‘Wrong' sounded too harsh. It was a mistake? No, Ben would rip that apart, he knew how much Callum had wanted it and loved it... Callum ran his hand over his face, trying to clear his mind and start again. He shook his head and let out a deep sigh. Maybe he should just leave it, he thought, just sever all contact with Ben and let him work it out for himself. He doubted Ben would be bothered anyway. He’d soon move on to someone else, if he hadn’t already, and Callum would be just another notch on his bed post. But Callum couldn’t walk away. He needed to explain for his own sake, as much as Ben’s. He needed Ben to know that what had happened between had meant something to him, and that he was glad it had happened, but that he needed to put it to rest now, bury it deep down in the part of his soul that he kept locked away. Ben would never understand that, though. He’d tell him he couldn’t just pack it away and forget about it, it would eat away at him until it found its own way out. Callum bit his bottom lip and got to his feet. He’d spent half the night lying awake trying to think of what to say, it was unlikely to suddenly come to him now. He’d just have to play it by ear. 

He walked towards the Arches, stopping abruptly as he got to the entrance. He stood mesmerised by the sight of Ben leaning into a car bonnet, his grey overalls stretched tightly over his arse and upper body. Callum rapped his knuckles hesitantly against the metal doorway but Ben appeared oblivious, deep in concentration as he fiddled with the engine. Callum moved closer and noticed Ben had his ear pods in, explaining why he hadn’t heard him knocking. Callum moved closer still and tapped Ben lightly on the shoulder.

“Ben?” 

Ben jumped up, startled, banging his head on the car bonnet and catching his hand on the sharp metal of the engine.

“Oww!!” Ben exclaimed loudly, rubbing his head. “What’d you do that for?!” he shouted angrily at Callum.

“Sorry. I went to the car lot but it was locked up so I thought you might be here,” Callum said by way of explanation, as Ben pulled his ear pods out. 

“Yeah, well, I lost a day’s business yesterday with the old bill snooping round and Keanu’s at the hospital so someone’s got to keep this place going.” Ben voice was sharp and irritable. He turned back to the car he’d been working on.

“I’m going to have to do that again now. And I’ve cut my finger,” he tutted as he noticed the trickle of blood on his hand. 

“That’s my fault,” Callum said apologetically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jump.” 

Ignoring Callum, Ben threw down the spanner he was holding and walked over to the sink.

“Where’s your first aid kit?” Callum asked as Ben ran his hand under the tap.

Ben nodded towards one of the shelves. Callum fetched the first aid kit then walked over to Ben. He silently took Ben’s hand and dried it with some paper towel, then took a plaster from the box and wrapped it carefully around Ben’s finger. He held on to Ben’s hand for a moment, reluctant to break the contact, until Ben slowly pulled his hand away.

“Thanks,” Ben said quietly.

“No problem,” Callum smiled. He suddenly noticed the black grease mark on Ben’s cheek and felt himself go weak at the knees. His mouth fell open as his eyes travelled downwards, taking in the sight of Ben in his overalls, a small patch of sweat visible on the t-shirt underneath, his sleeves rolled up, another black mark running across his forearm. 

“Like the grease monkey look, do you?” Ben grinned.

“Suits you,” Callum nodded, running his tongue between his lips, a familiar stirring in his stomach spreading through his whole body. He forced himself to look away, to concentrate on what he’d come to say, but all rational thought had left his mind. 

Callum took a step closer but was stopped in his tracks by the sound of Ben’s phone ringing.

“Sharon?” Ben frowned as he answered the phone. 

“Yeah?...okay...no, of course, that’s great news....I’ll try...thanks for letting me know...bye.”

Ben ended the call and put his phone back in the pocket of his overalls.

“Your dad?” Callum asked.

“He’s responding well to the operation. They’re hoping to bring him out of the coma by the end of the week.”

“That’s great news,” Callum smiled.

“Yeah,” Ben said flatly. “Anyway, I’m really busy here, so...” 

Ben walked back to the car, his hands gripping the sides as leaned down to inspect the engine. Callum stood staring at him for a moment, a mixture of confusion and desire clouding his brain. He suddenly noticed Ben’s shoulders were shaking and heard him sniffing, as if he was fighting back tears. 

“Ben? What is it?”

“Nothing,” Ben sniffed again, shaking his head.

“Come on Ben, I’m not stupid. You can talk to me, y'know,” Callum added softly.

“Don’t, Callum. Don’t be nice to me.” Ben said, a slight tremble in his voice.

Callum quickly walked over to close the Arches door then returned to Ben, who was now sitting on the floor with his back against the car door, his head buried in his hands. Callum sat down next to him and placed a tentative hand on his shoulder.

“Talk to me, Ben. Please.” 

Ben slowly lifted his head but couldn’t bring himself to look at Callum.

“I’m a horrible person,” he said tearfully, staring blankly at the wall. 

“No...” Callum began but Ben continued talking over him.

“I am. When I got that call just now...do you know what my first thought was? I was disappointed. I felt...cheated. Like he’s won again.”

Callum remained silent and gave Ben’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Well, go on then. Tell me what a sick, heartless bastard I am.”

“You’re not.”

“I must be. What kind of person wishes their own dad was dead?”

“All kinds of people, probably. You’re not the only one with a messed up family. Mine ain’t exactly the Waltons, you know that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Ben smiled sympathetically at Callum. He fell silent for a while then took a deep breath and spoke again.

“I went to see him last night. My dad.”

“Oh?” Callum raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, after you decided you didn’t want to have a drink with me.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just...”

“Whatever.” Ben waved his hand dismissively. “Anyway, I figured the hospital was the only place I could go to get away from people asking about him.” 

“How was he?”

“Well, he’s in a coma so not exactly the life and soul of the party.”

“You know what I mean.”

Ben sighed deeply.

“Truth is, I hardly recognised him. Lying there with all those tubes sticking out of him...he looked so small, so old and weak. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.”

Callum rubbed Ben’s shoulder as he continued. 

“I just sat there looking at him, thinking how easy it would be to rip those tubes out, or shove a pillow over his head and just let him go, be rid of him once and for all.” 

Callum frowned slightly but remained silent.

“See? Now tell me I’m not a horrible person.”

“You’re not, Ben. I mean, you might’ve thought about it but you were upset, emotional. It’s not like you would’ve actually done it.”

Ben let out a bitter laugh.

“You wanna know why I didn’t? Cos he wouldn’t have known anything about it. He wouldn’t have known it was me. That’s the whole point. He needs to know how much I hate him before he dies. I want to look in his eyes and see him feeling the same way he’s made me feel my whole life.”

Callum sighed and shook his head. 

“Ben...all this bitterness...you have to let it go.”

“Really? That’s your advice, is it? Just let it go?”

“Well, what’s the alternative? Let it eat you up, let it destroy you?”

“So how do I let it go? Come on, you’re the expert, apparently. What button do I press, what switch do I flick to make it all go away?”

“I know it’s not that simple. But you need to focus on the people in your life who are good for you, who care about you. Your mum, Jay, Lexi, Lola, Ian...” 

Callum wanted to add _“me"_ to the list but he bit his tongue. 

“What was it you said to me about my dad?” Callum continued. “That no matter how much I try, he’s never gonna do or say the things I want him to? Same with your dad. He’s just some bloke who got your mum pregnant. You can choose not to have him in your life if he’s causing you this much pain.”

“He’s always going to be in here though,” Ben said, tapping the side of his head with his finger. “I’m always going to be that sad, scared little kid who just wants his dad to...to love him.” 

Ben’s voice broke as he tried and failed to blink back the tears welling in his eyes. Callum reached out and wrapped his arms around Ben, pulling him onto his chest, stroking his hair and murmuring “it’s okay" until Ben’s tears finally ran dry. 

“Sorry,” Ben said, composing himself and sitting up straight but remaining close to Callum, so their legs and arms were still touching. “I’m sure you’ve got better things to do on your lunch break than deal with my daddy issues.”

“Not really,” Callum shrugged with a sideways glance and smile at Ben.

Well, keep it to yourself, won’t you? I’ve got a hardman image to uphold.”

Callum smiled, shaking his head affectionately as he reached for Ben’s hand.

“Your secret's safe with me,” he said, linking his fingers with Ben’s and squeezing his hand. Callum winced at his own words, the guilt of his own secret gnawing at his insides. But he couldn’t deny the thrill it gave him to think that he was the keeper of Ben’s secret -or one of them at least- that Ben trusted him enough to let him see behind the mask he wore for the outside world. It made him feel special in a way he never had before. 

Callum felt Ben moving closer and turned his head towards him, knowing he had lost the will to resist before their lips had even touched. Ben’s kiss was soft and tentative, a silent plea for comfort. Callum stroked Ben’s face, still damp from his tears, and felt him relax against his hand, his rough stubble contrasting with the softness of their kiss. They pulled apart just enough to breathe before Ben leaned in for another kiss, but this time his kiss was hungry, his tongue parting Callum’s lips, his hand on the back of his neck to pull him closer. Callum knew he should leave, he couldn’t let this happen again, but his tongue was already entwined with Ben’s, his hands sliding down his back, his body turning to meet Ben’s. Suddenly Ben pushed Callum back against the car door and straddled his lap, gripping Callum’s shoulders as Callum’s hands instinctively grabbed Ben’s waist. Callum opened his eyes, drinking in the sight of Ben in his overalls, his face streaked with dark smudges where his tears had mixed with the grease stain on his cheek. He grabbed at Ben’s overalls and pulled him closer, a strangled moan escaping his throat before he was silenced by Ben’s mouth and he gave himself up to the tidal wave of desire that swept over his body...

“Wow...” Ben exhaled deeply as they lay sprawled across the back seat of the car Ben had been fixing. “I might have to come back here full time if that’s the effect greasy overalls have on you.”

Callum laughed softly and nestled his head contentedly against Ben’s chest, the steady beat of Ben’s heart pulsing through his skin.

“So...” Ben started tentatively, his fingers playing with Callum’s hair. “Are we going to talk about it?”

“About what?” Callum murmured.

“The big rainbow striped elephant in the room,” Ben sighed wearily. 

Callum lifted his head and looked at his watch.

“I need to go,” he said quickly, manoeuvring himself out of Ben’s embrace and the car, and hurriedly buttoning up his shirt. Ben pulled his overalls up and got out of the car, grabbing Callum’s wrist as he pulled on his jacket.

“You can’t just run off. We need to talk about this,” Ben insisted.

“I have to go,” Callum repeated, pulling his hand away. “I’m late as it is. Jay will be...”

“Forget Jay,” Ben snapped. “ I need to know what’s going on here. I need to know where I stand.”

Callum looked at Ben, wishing he could give him the answers he needed, or any answer at all for that matter. But how could he, when he himself didn’t know anything anymore? 

“I’ve gotta go. I’m sorry.” 

Callum leaned forward and pressed his lips against Ben’s forehead then quickly turned and headed for the door, blinking back tears as he stepped out into the daylight. He took a deep breath then started walking back to the funeral parlour, a distant metallic thud drifting from the Arches as Ben banged his fist down on the roof of the car. 

~

“I don’t know about you but I could murder a pint,” Jay called out after he’d seen out the last customer of the day and bolted the door of the funeral parlour behind them. He headed towards the back office where Callum sat sifting through a pile of paperwork.

“Callum?” 

“Oh... sorry, what?” Callum asked distractedly, looking up at Jay.

“I’m going for a pint if you want to join me?”

“Is that the time?” Callum checked his watch. “I didn’t realise.” He sighed heavily and turned back to the desk. Work had been a welcome distraction from the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions that spiralled through his mind as he’d walked back from the Arches earlier. 

“You go,” he said to Jay. “I'll finish this lot, seeing as I was late back from lunch.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jay shrugged. “It was only ten minutes.”

“Yeah, but still...”

“It’s fine, mate,” Jay insisted, gathering the paperwork from the desk and locking it in a drawer. “But you can get the first round in if it makes you feel better.” 

“Okay,” Callum smiled as he got to his feet and followed Jay out of the door.

The sound of laughter rang out through the Vic as Callum and Jay walked through the door. Callum turned towards the source of it and saw Whitney sitting at a table with Tiffany and Sonia. 

“Babe!” Whitney called out to him, getting up from the table and joining him and Jay at the bar. “We’re planning my hen do,” she told them excitedly, planting a kiss on Callum’s lips.

“Great,” Callum smiled awkwardly. “Do you want some more drinks over there?”

“Definitely!” Whitney giggled, hanging on to Callum’s arm. 

“That’s a point,” Jay said to Callum with a frown. “What about your stag do? You haven’t mentioned it or am I not invited?”

“And me?” Robbie piped up behind them. “I am the bride's uncle, after all.”

“Oh...um...I haven’t really...I mean, I don’t want a fuss,” Callum mumbled.

“Mate, you've gotta have a proper stag do! Tell him, Mick,” Jay said as Mick approached the bar to take their order.

“Course you’ve gotta have a stag do. You can’t get married without one, it’s the law,” Mick said firmly. “You need to have a word with that brother of yours, tell him to get it sorted.”

“Stuart? What’s he got to do with it?”

“Well, he’s your best man, ain’t he?” Mick asked. “I mean, I’m no fan of the geezer but he is your brother so I assumed...”

“Um... yeah...I mean...I dunno...I haven’t really thought about it.”

Whitney sighed impatiently.

“You haven’t chosen your best man? And what about your vows, you finished them yet?”

“It’s all in hand,” Callum smiled with a reassurance he was far from feeling.

“Well it doesn’t look like it,” Whitney scowled. “I’m starting to wonder why I’m bothering...”

“Anyone actually want a drink here?” Mick asked with a questioning glance at Callum.

“Yeah, sorry, Mick. Two pints of lager and...?” Callum looked at Whitney. 

“Two white wines and a Coke, please,” Whitney smiled at Mick. 

“I'll bring ‘em over.”

“Thanks.” 

Whitney returned to her table while Callum and Jay waited at the bar for Mick to pull their pints. They took their drinks over to a table where Robbie joined them uninvited, looking through his phone for stag do ideas. 

“How about paintballing?” he suggested. 

“I dunno...” Callum said distractedly.

“I thought that’d be right up your street, you being ex-army?”

“Maybe that’s why it might be inappropriate, ” Jay pointed out. 

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t think,” Robbie said, scrolling through his phone again. “Okay, what about a race track experience?”

“Yeah, that sounds like fun,” Jay nodded enthusiastically. “What do you reckon?” he asked Callum.

“Yeah, maybe.” 

Callum sipped his pint in silence, contributing an occasional nod or monosyllabic answer as Robbie and Jay discussed stag do options. He looked up suddenly as Whitney came over and sat down next to him. 

“How's the hen night plans going?” Callum asked. 

“All sorted,” Whitney said with a satisfied smile. “24th of August at E20. You?” 

“Um...yeah...we're working on it.”

“Well just make sure it’s not the night before the wedding. I don’t want you turning up with a hangover.”

“I won’t.”

Callum froze as the door of the Vic opened and Ben walked up to the bar. Callum shrank back into his seat, hoping to make himself invisible, but he couldn’t help glancing covertly at Ben. He’d changed out of his overalls into tight, dark jeans and a burgundy shirt. Callum felt that familiar tingling sensation inside him and forced himself to look down at his pint. He was about to down what remained of it and suggest to Whitney that they go home, when Jay spotted Ben and called him over. 

“Alright?” Ben placed his beer bottle on the table, swaying slightly in a way that suggested it wasn’t his first drink of the evening. “This looks cosy,” he smirked as he sat down next to Jay.

“We’re trying to arrange Callum’s stag do,” Robbie explained. “You got any ideas?”

“Me?” Ben laughed, glancing at Callum who quickly looked away.

“Yeah, you’re a bit of a party boy, ain’t you?”

“Hetero stag dos aren’t really my area of expertise, Rob. But at a guess I’d say beer and strippers should cover it?”

“No way!” Whitney said quickly. “No strippers.”

“No? You not into naked women, Callum?” Ben asked innocently.

Callum glared at Ben and opened his mouth to speak but Jay got there first.

“It’s 2019, Ben. A group of blokes can have a fun night out without exploiting women, y'know?”

“Hold on, let’s not rule it out,” Robbie said. “I mean, a lot of strippers do it cos they want to. They earn more in one night than most of us do in a week.”

“Yeah but still...it’s kinda seedy, innit?” Jay said. 

“Yes, exactly. Thank you, Jay,” Whitney smiled at him. 

“How about the Prince Albert?” Ben suggested. “My mum'll do you a good deal on the drinks.”

Everyone at the table looked at Ben with puzzled expressions, apart from Callum whose eyes remained staring down at his pint.

“You can’t have a straight man's stag do at a gay bar,” Jay said.

“Why not?” Ben asked.

“Because...” Jay floundered.

“Because what? You’re all open-minded, modern men, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, of course, but...”

“What do you reckon, Whitney?” Ben asked. “You wouldn’t have to worry about Callum eyeing up half naked women at the Albert.”

“I’m not worried about him eyeing up women, full stop,” Whitney said with a hint of smugness. “That’s why I’m marrying him.” 

Whitney leaned into Callum, who smiled and put his arm protectively around her shoulders. 

“Aww the perfect couple,” Ben smiled but his eyes were dark as he glared at Callum. Ben took a sip of his beer and moved to get up from his seat.

“Oww...” he winced, stumbling as he pulled at the inside leg of his jeans.

“You alright?” Jay asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just...tight jeans and stubble rash, bit of a painful combination.”

“Eww! Ben!” Jay grimaced. “Too much information.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to offend your hetero sensibilities, bruv, but stubble rash is another thing you straight men never have to worry about,” Ben said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and swagger. 

Callum felt himself turn crimson, squeezing Whitney’s shoulder so she wouldn’t notice him shaking. 

“Whitney knows what I’m talking about though, dontcha Whit?” Ben asked, winking at her. “We should have a chat about it sometime, share moisturising tips.” 

“Um...okay,” Whitney said awkwardly, taking a sip of her drink. Callum glared angrily at Ben who stared defiantly back. 

“Great,” Ben smirked and headed towards the toilets. 

He’d barely finished washing his hands when the door slammed open and Callum appeared behind him. 

“Alright?” Ben asked casually as he dried his hands.

“What the hell are you playing at?” Callum hissed angrily.

“Dunno what you’re talking about,” Ben shrugged. 

“You know exactly what I mean! Winding me up, dragging Whitney into it. I thought we were past all that?”

“Yeah? Well, I thought you were past pretending to be straight.”

“I’m not pretending...”

Ben laughed darkly and shook his head 

“Oh, you must have been pretending to be gay then, when you were on your knees in the Arches earlier. I tell you what, mate, you should get over to Hollywood cos that was an Oscar worthy performance.” 

“I didn’t mean...I wasn’t pretending with you, I just...”

“You just...what?”

“I love Whitney...I can’t...” Callum’s voice was small and broken but Ben appeared unmoved.

“You know what, Callum?” he said coldly. “Call me when you grow a pair.”

Ben stormed out of the Vic and stumbled across the road to the car lot, his vision blurred with tears. He bolted the door and headed for the desk, where he pulled a bottle of vodka out of the drawer and sat down on the sofa. He took a long swig of vodka before raising his hand to wipe the tears that streamed down his face. He winced as he scratched his eyelid with his ring and a realisation hit him like a slap in the face.  
All the beatings and punch ups, all the trouble he'd gone looking for in an attempt to punish himself for Paul’s death...it had all been for nothing. This was his punishment, right here. Sitting in the dark, drinking alone, crying over a man who wasn’t his, who wasn’t able or willing to set himself free to be with him. Maybe he wasn’t responsible for Paul’s death but he was responsible for making him feel used and worthless, a dirty, shameful secret. He had caused Paul the same gutwrenching pain he was feeling right now. Ben slid the ring up his finger and rubbed the scar where Paul’s name had been.   
“Karma's a bitch, eh?” he sniffed tearfully, taking another gulp of vodka before curling himself into a ball on the sofa as he wept uncontrollably.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been four days since Ben had last seen or spoken to Callum. He cringed internally at the memory of their encounter in the Vic toilets. When would he ever learn to keep his big mouth shut? He’d woken the following morning on the car lot sofa, the empty bottle of vodka lying next to him, his head pounding from the effect of its contents, his eyes still raw from crying. But that had been nothing compared to the sharp stab of pain that pierced his heart and spread through his entire being as he thought of Callum. He knew he deserved to feel like this, that it was no worse than what he’d put Paul through, and that was okay, he could take that. What he couldn’t take or forgive himself for was that he’d hurt Callum. He’d been cruel and vindictive when he of all people knew what Callum was going through. He'd picked up his phone and sent Callum a text 

_“I’m sorry about last night. I’m an idiot. Can we talk? X" _

before going to the cafe for a hangover cure of tea and a fry up then home to sleep it off. When he’d woken that afternoon and seen that Callum hadn’t replied to his text, he’d accepted with a heavy heart that he’d blown it. He’d been too wrapped up in his own neediness that he hadn’t stopped to think about what Callum needed. He’d lashed out at him in anger, hurt and self-pity and ended up pushing him further away than he'd ever been. He’d lost Callum, not that he was ever really his to lose. 

Ben had tried to focus on work instead but his heart wasn’t into flashing fake smiles and making small talk with customers at the car lot. And with Phil awake from his coma, though with no memory of the attack, Keanu was back working at the Arches and he was the last person Ben wanted to be around. So Ben had spent the morning aimlessly wandering around the square and the market, hoping for a glimpse of Callum, a chance encounter where he might have an opportunity to explain. He noticed Whitney on her stall and observed her with a mixture of jealousy and pity. For a fleeting moment he thought of walking over to her and telling her everything, after all she had a right to know the truth. But Ben knew he had no right to tell her, it wasn’t his truth to tell. Anyway, he had promised Callum he would never out him and even the thought that Callum probably hated him now wasn’t enough for him to consider breaking that promise. Neither was the knowledge that it might get the police off his back if he could tell them he’d been with Callum that evening. 

Ben suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and a voice in his ear.

“You'll get yourself arrested, y’know.”

Ben spun around to see Jay standing beside him.

“What?” 

“Hanging around on street corners. Haven’t you got anything better to do?” 

“Not really,” Ben shrugged.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not like you could be at the hospital visiting your dad.”

“Don’t start, Jay,” Ben sighed. “I’m really not in the mood.”

“He’s been asking about you, y'know.”

“Why? What does he want to have a go about now?”

“Nothing. He just wants his family around him.”

“Yeah? Well I don’t need to be around him.”

“He’s your dad...”

“No, Jay, he ain’t,” Ben snapped. “He’s just some bloke who got my mum pregnant. You know they say you can’t choose your family? It’s not true. You and me, we ain’t blood but we’re brothers, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“You love Lexi like she’s your own, don’t you? Paul would too if he...” Ben’s voice trailed off for a moment but he composed himself and turned to look at Jay.  
“I decide who my family is now. I’m done jumping through hoops trying to please Phil Mitchell.”

Jay opened his mouth but he knew there was nothing he could say when Ben was in this kind of mood.

“I’ve gotta go,” he said finally. “See you later, bruv.”

“Yeah, see ya,” Ben replied distractedly, his eyes fixed on the door of the funeral parlour.

Ben pictured Callum sitting at the desk inside and took a deep breath. He knew he should walk away but the need to see Callum, to try to salvage their relationship, or whatever this thing between them was, was too great. He crossed the street and walked into the funeral parlour before he had a chance to talk himself out of it.

“Hey,” Ben said softly, smiling tentatively as Callum looked up from the desk. Callum’s eyes widened when he saw Ben then quickly turned back to the paperwork in front of him.

“Jay’s gone out,” Callum said tersely.

“I know. It’s you I’ve come to see,” Ben replied, as if they weren’t both well aware of why he was there. Callum didn’t reply or look up so Ben continued.

“I just wanted to say sorry, about the other night in the Vic.”

“Yeah, I got your text. It’s fine. Apology accepted.” Callum’s voice was flat, robotic almost.

“So, can we talk?” Ben asked, a pleading tone to his voice. “Not now, I can see you’re busy, but after work? We could go to Stratford or...”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Callum interrupted him.

“Callum, please, don’t be like that. Don’t shut me out.”

“Look, Ben,” Callum sighed. “Whatever’s happened between us, it’s over now. Just go and get on with your life and leave me to get on with mine.”

Ben felt a wave of frustration surging inside him and bit his lip to stop himself yelling at Callum. 

“Get on with living a lie, you mean?” he said in a small, quiet voice.

Callum sighed, running his hand over his face.

“Please, Ben,” he said, his voice trembling. “Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.” 

Callum stood up abruptly and walked away into the back office. Ben stood still for a moment then blinked back his tears and made his way out of the funeral parlour. 

_ ~~~ One week later ~~~_

“Oh, Jay, just the man!” Kathy smiled at Jay as he walked into the cafe followed by Callum.

“No, I’m sorry,” Jay said quickly. “I can’t look after the caff, I’ve got loads on today and...”

“Oh, no, it’s nothing like that,” Kathy assured him. She beckoned him closer and lowered her voice. “It’s Ben.” 

Callum’s eyes widened and his head shot up at the mention of Ben’s name before he quickly lowered his head again.

“What’s he done now?” Jay sighed.

“It’s not what, it’s who,” Kathy replied. Jay and Callum both followed Kathy’s gaze towards the back of the cafe, where Ben was sitting at a table having breakfast with a dark haired man who looked to be in his late twenties. The man was whispering in Ben’s ear, causing Ben to giggle flirtatiously. Callum felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. He turned away immediately, clenching his fists inside his pockets, struggling to push down the wave of nausea rising in his throat.

“His name's Josh,” Kathy said. 

“And?” Jay asked.

Callum remained silent, staring at the floor, Kathy and Jay’s voices barely audible above the white noise that filled his spinning head.

“They met at the Albert the other night and he’s stayed over at ours twice but that’s all I know. Which is why I need you to find out more.”

“Like what?”

“Just the usual. Where does he live, what does he do...”  
“Why don’t you ask him?”

“I have, but you know what Ben’s like. I’m just his embarrassing mum, he won’t tell me anything. But he'll tell you.”

“I’m not sure I want to know,” Jay grimaced as another peal of laughter, followed by Josh saying “I didn’t hear you complaining last night", drifted from the table. Callum felt physically sick. He tried to move his feet, to walk out of the cafe and get as far away as possible but his body wouldn’t respond. He remained rooted to the spot as Kathy and Jay continued talking.

“Anyway,” Jay said. “What’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s going to stick around. They never do with Ben.”

“Well, he’s stuck around for two nights now and they’re having breakfast together...”

“Yeah, I suppose that’s practically a long term relationship for Ben,” Jay admitted.

“Exactly. And I don’t want Ben getting hurt so please, Jay, just see what you can find out. Make sure he hasn’t got any skeletons in the closet.”

“Well, he’s hardly going to tell me if he has, is he?”

“Well, no, but still...you’re a good judge of character, you'll be able to suss out if he’s dodgy. And you can have your breakfast on the house.”

“Oh, go on then,” Jay sighed.

“Thank you,” Kathy beamed at him. “What are you having?”

“Full English and a tea for me, please,” Jay said. “Callum?” Receiving no reply, Jay turned to Callum, who was still staring at the floor. 

“Callum?! What do you want to eat?” Jay nudged him.

“Oh...um...actually I’m not hungry. I’ll see you back at the parlour.” 

Callum turned to leave but Jay grabbed his sleeve. 

“No way. You’re not leaving me here to play gooseberry on my own.”

“No, really, Jay, I should go and make a start on...”

“I’m your boss, remember? You’re staying put. Now come on, what are you having?” 

“Just a coffee,” Callum sighed.

“I'll bring it over,” Kathy smiled at them both. “Go on then,” she added, waving them towards the table where Ben and Josh were sitting. 

Callum’s feet felt like lead as he followed Jay to the table. They got there just as Josh was getting up from his chair.

“Morning,” Ben smiled at Jay, glancing briefly at Callum then at Josh. 

“Alright bruv?” Jay replied, while Callum remained silent, glaring at Ben out of the corner of his eye. 

“You going to introduce us?” Jay asked.

“Of course. Sorry. Forgot my manners. This is Josh,” Ben said. “Josh, this is my brother, Jay, and Callum, he works with Jay.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Josh smiled, shaking Jay’s hand.

“You too, mate,” Jay smiled back.

Josh extended his hand towards Callum, who hesitated for a moment then nodded silently in acknowledgement as he gave Josh a brief handshake. Callum quickly sat down and wiped his hand on his trouser leg, as if that could somehow wipe out the thought that the hand he’d just shaken had touched Ben. 

“Leaving already?” Jay asked as Josh put on his jacket.

“Yeah, gotta get to work. I’m late as it is.”

“What do you do?” Jay asked.

“I’m an accountant.”

“Oh...that’s...um...”

“Boring. I know,” Josh said with a self-deprecating laugh. “But it pays the bills, just about. Anyway, nice to meet you guys. And I'll call you,” he added to Ben, leaning down to give him a peck on the lips. 

“See ya,” Ben smiled, winking at Josh while Callum once again tried to push down the nauseous feeling in his throat.

“So,” Jay looked at Ben with an amused grin. “Josh the accountant, eh?”

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Just...well, he’s right. Bit boring, innit?”

“It’s just his job,” Ben shrugged. “Besides, it could come in handy, if I can persuade him do some ‘creative' work for me.”

“Oh, I see, you just want him to fiddle your VAT for you?”

“Amongst other things,” Ben smirked, with a sideways look at Callum, who stared back at him with eyes full of hurt and anger. 

“Spare me the details,” Jay said, getting up to go to the toilet and leaving Ben and Callum alone at the table. A tense silence hung in the air between them, to which Ben seemed oblivious as he took a sip of his coffee and scrolled through his phone. Eventually the weight of Callum’s stare became too heavy for Ben to ignore. He put down his phone and looked up at Callum.

“What?” Ben asked blankly.

Callum opened his mouth but couldn’t find the words. He glared at Ben and shook his head.

“You’re the one who told me to get on with my life,” Ben said pointedly. “What did you expect me to do, become a monk?” 

“You don’t need to rub my face in it,” Callum said sulkily, his head down, avoiding Ben’s eyes.

“Rub your face in it?” Ben laughed coldly. “You’re the one getting married in a couple of weeks. You’re in no position to be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous!” Callum hissed, feeling his face turn red as he spoke.

“So what’s your problem then?” 

Before Callum could reply, Kathy came over with Jay and Callum’s drinks and placed Jay’s breakfast down on the table. 

“Can I get you anything else?” she asked. 

Callum mumbled a quick “no, thank you" and reached for his coffee, then pulled back when he realised his hand was shaking. He gripped his thigh under the table, digging his fingers into his flesh in an attempt to steady himself. Ben looked up and smiled at Kathy.

“I’m fine, thanks Mum,” he said, helping himself to a piece of toast from Jay’s plate.

“Oi! That’s Jay’s!” Kathy scolded him. 

“He won’t mind,” Ben said, taking a mouthful of toast. Kathy rolled her eyes and smiled indulgently at her son before heading back to the counter. 

“That’s just you all over, innit?” Callum said, his voice low but brimming with anger. “You just take what you want regardless of who...”

“I just take what I want?” Ben repeated, staring at Callum in disbelief. “Are you for real? You're the one who used me for a quick thrill behind your fiancée’s back.”

“I didn’t use you. You knew I was with Whitney from the start.”

“So? Doesn’t change the fact you used me.”

“Alright, well maybe we were using each other. I mean, that’s your thing isn’t it? Using people. Going home with a different bloke every night.”

“Well at least I’m honest about it. What was it you said that night in E20? “If I sleep with someone it has to mean something”?” Ben laughed scornfully and shook his head. “Well, sleeping with me clearly meant nothing to you or you wouldn’t still be marrying Whitney.”

“I love Whitney,” Callum said firmly. “That’s why I’m marrying her. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“Fine,” Ben snapped, getting to his feet. “Then take your own advice, Callum. Get on with your life and stay out of mine.”

Ben turned to walk out, almost knocking Jay over as he returned to the table.

“Oi! Watch where you’re going!” Jay exclaimed, holding on to Ben to steady them both. “Did you forget to put your contacts in this morning or something?”

“Sorry bruv,” Ben said distractedly.

“You alright?” 

“Yeah, never better,” Ben smiled brightly. “Just got stuff to do.”

“Okay, well I’ll see you lunchtime then?”

“Lunchtime?”

“Your dad’s welcome home lunch? You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“Oh, that,” Ben shrugged. “I’m not going.”

“What do mean you’re not going?”

“Like I said the other day, I choose my family now. I’m done with the whole Mitchell family values thing.”

“You can’t just cut Phil out of your life.”

“I’m not. I’ll go round and see him at some point. I just can’t be bothered with the whole family meal thing. You have fun though. And if any drama kicks off, make sure you film it.”

Ben slapped Jay on the back and walked out of the cafe. Jay shook his head and sat back down next to Callum, tucking into his breakfast while Callum sipped his coffee, staring pensively into space. 

“So what do you reckon?” Jay asked Callum, nudging him slightly when Callum appeared not to hear him.

“Uh...what?” 

“Ben’s new bloke. Josh the accountant. Do you think Ben’s finally found the one?”

“I dunno,” Callum snapped. “None of my business, is it?”

Callum hoped his voice didn’t betray how much he hated Josh, how much he wanted to punch his face in, how the sight of him with Ben made his guts churn inside him, as if he was literally being eaten up with jealousy. He knew he’d failed when Jay looked at him with a puzzled frown.

“Alright, I’m only asking. What’s got into you all of a sudden?”

“Nothing. Sorry,” Callum quickly apologised as he got to his feet. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you at work.”

Callum marched over to the car lot, his fists clenched, his head feeling like it was about to burst. He had no idea what he was going to say or do to Ben when he got there, he just knew he had to see him. He needed to talk to someone, to find an outlet for the whirlwind of emotions spinning through his head and his heart, and as Ben had pointed out that day in his living room, there was no one else he could turn to. No one else got it, except Ben. Callum stopped suddenly as he thought back to that evening. He’d gone to E20 back then thinking that seeing Ben might make things better, and it had whilst they’d been together in the bubble of Ben’s room and in the Arches a couple of days later, but when those bubbles had burst and reality had set in once more, he’d felt more confused and heartsick than ever. Seeing Ben now would only make things worse, though it was hard to imagine anything worse than the bitter taste of jealousy that rose in his throat, spreading like poisonous wildfire through every fibre of his being, when he thought of Ben with that man in the cafe. 

He sat down outside the Vic and held his head in his hands, the sounds and smells of the square and the market washing over him. The cacophony was oddly soothing and with his eyes closed he felt like he was floating, drifting away from a world he’d never really belonged in. Maybe if he stayed there long enough he would just fade away into oblivion and all this -the torment, the confusion, the guilt- would all be over.

The sound of his phone ringing in his pocket brought him crashing back down to earth. It was Jay, no doubt wondering why he wasn’t at work. Callum sighed and got to his feet. He glanced across the road at the car lot, then turned determinedly and walked off in the direction of the funeral parlour.

~

“Is Dad about?” Ben asked as he let himself into the Mitchell house. 

“Oh, hello Ben,” Sharon smiled sarcastically at him. “Nice of you to show your face at last.”

“Nice of you to save me some cake,” Ben said as he eyed a large chunk of chocolate cake sitting on the worktop. 

“We had it for dessert, after lunch. You know, your dad’s welcome home lunch, that you didn’t turn up for?”

“I was busy. Didn’t you get my text?” Ben said, helping himself to a slice of cake. “Mmm, this is great. You didn’t make it yourself, did you?” 

“What do you want, Ben?” Sharon asked wearily. 

“Just a quick word with Dad.”

“He’s in the living room. And don’t go upsetting him. He’s still recovering.”

“Lunch that bad, was it?” Ben scoffed. 

“You know what I mean,” Sharon said, rolling her eyes, but Ben was already out of the kitchen door and walking through to the living room. 

Phil looked up from the TV, his face expressionless, as Ben entered the living room. 

“Alright, Dad?” 

“As well as can be expected, considering some nutjob tried to cave my head in.”

“You still can’t remember what happened? Jay said you had some sort of memory block?”

“Oh, Jay said, did he? So you’ve got time to talk to Jay about me but not to come and see for yourself?”

“I’ve been busy,” Ben said, his eyes avoiding Phil’s stare. “Anyway, I’m here now.”

“Cos you want something, no doubt,” Phil said wryly.

“No, actually. I came to give you these back,” Ben said, handing Phil the keys to E20. 

“What? We agreed you were going to cover for Sharon.”

“Yeah, I know but...it’s not really working out for me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Anyway, it’s not about you, it’s about family.”

“Here we go,” Ben muttered under his breath. 

“What? You don’t want to be part of this family anymore, is that it?”

“When have I ever been part of this family, really?” Ben replied. “I’m just the black sheep, the runt of the litter.”

“And whose fault is that, eh? Whenever I ask you to step up you either mess it up or throw it back in my face.”

“See, this is exactly what I mean,” Ben said, the familiar feelings of anger and resentment rising inside him. “You’ve always got to have a dig, find a way to put me down. You never...”

Ben was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. He sighed irritably then felt a sense of relief. His plan had been to hand Phil the keys and leave, not get into yet another pointless confrontation. _“Saved by the bell,”_ he thought to himself.

“I’ll get that on my way out,” he said, walking out of the living room without so much as a backwards glance at Phil.

Ben turned towards the front door but Sharon was already there. She opened it to find DCI Morgan and DC Wallace standing on the doorstep.

“Good afternoon, Mrs Mitchell,” said DCI Morgan. “Is your husband in?” 

What’s this about?” Sharon asked. “Have you found out who did it?”

“The investigation is still ongoing,” DCI Morgan said, her eyes resting on Ben for a moment. “We'd just like a quick word with your husband, if that’s okay?”

“You'd better come in,” Sharon said, stepping aside to let the two detectives enter the house. 

“I’ll leave you to it,” Ben said. “Thanks for the cake, Sharon.”

Ben took a step towards the door but DC Wallace blocked his way.

“We'd like a word with you too, since you’re here.”

“What about?” Ben asked.

“Let’s go inside, shall we?” DCI Morgan said. 

The four of them entered the living room. Sharon sat down next to Phil while Ben perched himself on the armchair. 

“Hello, Mr Mitchell. How are you feeling?” DCI Morgan asked as she stood in front of the sofa with DC Wallace behind her. 

“I’d be a lot better if people didn’t keep interrupting when I’m trying to watch telly,” Phil replied morosely. 

“He’s tired,” Sharon smiled apologetically. “And he’s recovering from a serious injury. So if you could just get to the point?”

“I’m sorry to disturb you, Mr Mitchell. We were just passing and wondered if you’d remembered anything more about the attack?”

“I already told you!” Phil said, his voice raising but cracking slightly at the effort. Ben felt a flash of pity at his father’s involuntary display of weakness.

“I can’t remember anything,” Phil continued, his tone subdued now. 

“Nothing at all? Even the smallest detail might be important.”

“No,” Phil said helplessly. “I’ve tried but all I can see is these shapes moving, but they’re all blurred.”

“Shapes? So there may have been more than one attacker?”

“I dunno...I suppose so.”

“Thank you, Mr Mitchell. You’ve been very helpful,” DCI Morgan said. “If you think of anything else...”

“Yeah, yeah,” Phil said impatiently. “Are you done now?”

“I just need a quick word with your son,” DCI Morgan said, turning to look at Ben. 

“Our IT department still haven’t traced that online match of yours.”

“Can’t get the staff these days, eh?” Ben said, shaking his head.

“You're sure you gave us all the correct information? There’s nothing you’d like to add to your previous statement?”

“No,” Ben said emphatically. “And why is it relevant anyway? You’re more interested in my sex life than trying to find whoever attacked my dad. I should sue you lot for discrimination.”

“We’re just doing our job, Mr Mitchell. Once we’ve corroborated your statement we won’t need to bother you anymore.” She fixed her eyes on Ben for a moment then turned to Phil and Sharon. 

“Thank you for your time. We'll see ourselves out.”

Silence fell over the room until the front door clicked shut and Phil turned to Ben.

“What was that all about?”

“The bloke I was with the night you were attacked. They need him to confirm where I was but he’s disappeared off the radar.”

“Well, that’ll be like trying to find a needle in a haystack,” Phil said coldly. “The amount of blokes you have coming and going...”

“Phil...” Sharon hissed.

“And you wonder why I want to keep my distance from this house?” Ben said bitterly. “How about the casual homophobia, for a start.”

Ben stormed out of the living room, ignoring Phil’s voice calling him back as he let himself out of the kitchen door, letting it slam shut behind him. He heard it open again as he reached the gate and he heard a voice say his name. Ben turned around to see Keanu standing by the kitchen door, his arms folded across his chest. 

“Did you want something?” Ben asked coolly.

“There’s a wrench missing from the Arches,” Keanu said, lowering his voice and staring pointedly at Ben.

“So? Buy another one. And don’t be so careless in future.”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Ben,” Keanu said, shaking his head.

“Play dumb with you? I’d lose every time,” Ben scoffed. “Anyway, I’ve got stuff to do so...”

“I haven’t told the police...yet,” Keanu said as Ben turned to walk away. 

“About what?” Ben frowned, facing Keanu again.

“The wrench.”

“Well, it’s hardly a police matter, is it? Not like finding out who attacked my dad,” Ben fixed Keanu with a knowing glare.

“Come on, Ben, drop the innocent act. We both know why that wrench disappeared.”

“Do we? Cos to be honest, Keanu, I haven’t got a clue what you’re on about.”

“I’m not as stupid as you think, Ben,” Keanu said defiantly. “Or maybe your plan’s not as smart as you thought it was. Either way, it’s obvious you set me up. You attacked Phil with a wrench that’s covered in my fingerprints then left him there knowing I’d find him.”

Ben stared at Keanu and laughed with disbelief.

“Laugh all you want, Ben. I've figured it all out. This is about revenge, innit? On your dad and me. You thought you’d kill him and I’d go down for it. Two birds, one stone. Except he survived and that’s why you’ve been avoiding him. You’re worried if he spends time around you, he'll remember what happened.”

“Wow...” Ben laughed again. “You must have needed a lie down after working all that out. I almost feel bad for you.”

“Don’t feel bad for me,” Keanu said. “I ain’t the one who's gonna do time for this. The only reason I haven’t gone to the police yet is that I’m giving you the chance to do the right thing and tell Phil first yourself.”

“Well, that’s very noble of you, Keanu, but you don’t understand. The reason I feel bad for you is all the time and brain cells you wasted dreaming up your little CSI Walford fantasy was all for nothing. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it’s all in your head.”

“You’re still denying it?” Keanu stared incredulously at Ben.

“Cos it ain’t true!” Ben shouted impatiently at him. 

“You’re lying! Just like you lied to the police about being with some bloke you pulled.”

“I wasn’t lying.”

“So how come he's just vanished into thin air then? He never existed, did he?”

Ben faltered for a moment but quickly regained his composure. 

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” he said dismissively. “So tell my dad if you want, or the old bill, see what they make of your little conspiracy theory. My guess is not a lot, seeing as there ain’t a shred of evidence to back it up. And the reason for that is that I. Didn’t. Do. It. Now, is that simple enough for you or do I have to repeat it even more slowly?”

“Fine,” Keanu scowled. “If that’s how you want to play it...But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Keanu turned and walked back into the Mitchell house, leaving Ben standing alone on the pavement, his brow furrowed as he tried to gather his thoughts. 

_ ~~~One Week Later~~~_

The morning sun blazed through a gap in the curtains, piercing Callum’s eyelids and waking him from the restless sleep he’d fallen into on the sofa the night before. He lifted his hand to his face, shielding his eyes from the glare of the sun and turned onto his side. His head throbbed with a hangover and he felt sick. He groaned as he looked down at the floor and counted five empty beer cans. Before that he seemed to remember a couple, or was it three, vodkas in the Vic after he’d returned from Chris's memorial service. Chris. Callum felt his heart tightening in his chest again. He still couldn’t fully believe or accept that Chris was dead but the raw pain he felt just thinking of him, of his loss, reminded him it was all too real. All that remained were his letters, his army beret and Callum’s memories of him. Callum panicked for a moment and checked under one of the sofa cushions, breathing a sigh of relief when he found the bundle of letters there. He’d read through some of them the night before, his eyes filled with tears, his mind hazy from drink. He’d composed replies to them in his head, imagining conversations he wished he’d had but now never would, until it had become too painful and he’d tucked the letters under the cushion, sobbing as he clutched Chris's beret to his chest. He looked around for the beret, finding it stuck down the side of the sofa. He pulled it free and straightened it out, running his hands gently over the name tag inside it, until he heard the bedroom door open. He quickly placed the beret alongside the letters under the cushion and got up off the sofa. 

“Morning,” he smiled at Whitney. “Did you sleep alright?”

“Better than you by the looks of it,” Whitney said, taking in Callum’s dishevelled appearance and the empty beer cans scattered around. 

“Sorry. I just...”

“Don’t be sorry,” Whitney said softly, touching his arm. “If you can’t get drunk after an old friend’s funeral...I just wish you’d turned to me instead of booze.”

“I’m sorry,” Callum repeated. Whitney had tried to comfort him last night but he’d told her to go to bed, that he needed some time to himself. He knew she’d felt rejected, the hurt in her eyes all too familiar, but she’d simply kissed his cheek and gone to bed, leaving him to attempt to drown his sorrows, his regrets, his guilt. 

“It’s okay. You have to deal with it in your own way.”

“Yeah...do you want a cup of tea?” Callum tried to change the subject.

“I haven’t got time. I’ve got to get to Camden.”

“Camden?”

“Yeah, that trade fair I told you about? I won’t be back till late so I’ll pick up a takeaway on the way home, yeah?”

“Sounds good,” Callum smiled.

“And then,” Whitney continued, “we both need to get an early night”

“What?” Callum asked, his face like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.

“Well, we both need our beauty sleep for tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“My hen night, your stag do?” Whitney said, a hint of impatience in her voice. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten?”

“No, of course not,” Callum lied. “It’s just, it’s come round so quick.”

“I know!” Whitney giggled excitedly. “I can’t believe this time next week will be our wedding eve.”

“I can’t wait,” Callum smiled. He pulled Whitney into a hug so she wouldn’t see his face, telling himself that the sinking feeling in his stomach was a product of last night’s alcohol and not the sense that he was drowning in a whirlpool of fear, self-loathing and deceit.

“I need to go,” Whitney said, pulling away from the hug. “I’ll see you tonight,” she added, planting a kiss on his cheek before heading for the door. Callum stood rooted to the spot until he heard the door close behind her. He glanced at the sofa, at the cushion that hid Chris’s letters and beret. He moved towards the sofa then shook his head, took a deep breath and walked into the bathroom to get ready for work.

The sound of porcelain smashing on the floor shattered the peaceful atmosphere of the funeral parlour and set Callum’s hungover head pounding again. 

“No, no, no...” he muttered to himself as he stared at the remains of the display urn that he’d just knocked off the shelf and wondered how much worse his day could get. He’d given Jay the wrong paperwork for a meeting with a bereaved family, then he’d loaded the wrong flowers onto a hearse, now this...

“What was that noise?” Jay asked, walking in from the back office.

“I'm sorry, Jay. I was just tidying the shelf and I knocked it over.”

Jay looked down at the broken fragments of the urn.

“What is wrong with you today? You’re all over the place.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll just...” Callum disappeared into the back and quickly returned with a dustpan and brush. Jay watched thoughtfully as Callum swept up the broken fragments of the urn then stood up, rubbing his pounding forehead. 

“Callum, mate, are you okay?” Jay asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Callum said brightly.

“You don’t seem fine,” Jay said doubtfully. He took a seat by the side of the desk and gestured to the chair next to him.

“Come here, sit down.” 

Callum reluctantly did as Jay asked, keeping his eyes on the floor to avoid his gaze.

“Look, I don’t want to pry but something’s not right with you and it’s affecting your work.”

“I’m sorry about the urn. You can take the money out of my wages.”

“Forget the urn. I know I’m your boss, but we’re also mates, aren’t we?”

Callum nodded silently.

“So you can tell me if something’s wrong. Is it the wedding? I mean, I’m no expert but I know it can be a stressful time...”

“No, it’s nothing like that. Whit's got it all covered anyway. All I have to do is turn up.” Callum visibly winced as he felt his stomach lurching at the thought.

“Well, you don’t seem very enthusiastic about it. Not having second thoughts, are you?” Jay’s tone was light but the way Callum looked at him told him he’d hit a nerve. 

“Callum?” Jay prompted him. “Is everything okay with you and Whitney?”

Callum hesitated for a moment then smiled and nodded his head. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine. It’s just...” Callum rubbed his face with his hand, sniffing back a tear.

“What?” Jay asked softly. “You know you can talk to me and it won’t go any further.”

Callum took a deep breath and turned to face Jay.

“It's not Whitney’s fault. It's me. I...I...” Callum’s voice faltered. Jay remained silent waiting for him to continue.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Callum said finally. “Walking out and leaving you in the lurch like that. I had to go to a memorial service.”

“Well, why didn’t you say?” Jay frowned. “I’d have given you the time off if you’d asked.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I should’ve said, but I wasn’t going to go. I only decided at the last minute.”

“Who was it for, the service?”

“A mate of mine, from the Army. Chris.”

“Oh, mate, I’m sorry,” Jay said sympathetically. “Were you close?”

Callum nodded silently, his bottom lip trembling. He brushed his hand over his eyes to push back his tears.

“I’m so sorry,” Jay repeated. “Do you want to talk about it?” He reached out to touch Callum’s arm but Callum shook his head and backed away. 

“I should get back to work,” he said getting to his feet.

“No. Just take the rest of the day off,” Jay said.

“But...”

“No buts,” Jay insisted. “You’re in no fit state to work anyway.”

“I don’t want to leave you short staffed again. I feel bad enough about yesterday.”

“Well, don’t. You’ve got the next two weeks off anyway, a few more hours won’t make any difference.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Jay said firmly. “Go and get some sleep, clear your head, whatever you need to do.”

“Thanks, Jay,” Callum smiled weakly at him.

“No worries. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Callum frowned. “I’m supposed to be on annual leave?”

“I meant at the Vic. Your stag do. It is still going ahead?”

“Oh...yeah, of course,” Callum said, forcing a smile onto his face.

“Great. I know it's hard, losing a friend suddenly at such a young age, but at least you’ve got something good to focus on.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I know how lucky I am.”

“Good man,” Jay patted Callum’s back. “You take care, alright? And you know where I am if you need to talk.”

“Cheers, Jay.” Callum felt his eyes filling with tears again at Jay’s kindness. He gave Jay’s arm a quick squeeze before leaving the funeral parlour and making his way back up to the flat. 

Once inside the flat Callum headed straight for the sofa and took Chris’s letters from under the cushion. It felt strange, reading about himself in someone else’s words, remembering times and places and events through someone else’s eyes. He found it hard to recognise himself as the man Chris described, he didn’t believe he was that special, that someone like him could have meant so much to someone like Chris. But as he re-read the letters, he recalled his own memories of the time he’d spent with Chris -the secret smiles, the knowing glances, the private jokes, the closeness they’d shared emotionally if not physically- and the undeniable truth he’d buried for so long came bursting to the surface. He and Chris had loved each other, not as friends or comrades or brothers in arms, but as lovers, even though their love had remained unspoken and unfulfilled.  
Callum reached for Chris’s beret and felt his eyes stinging with tears of bitter regret. If only he could speak to Chris one more time, if he could go back for just one moment...He felt a strange sense of something like deja vu. It took him a moment to place it but then he realised he was thinking of Ben, of the night he’d found him in the spare room crying over Paul. Before he’d had a chance to think, Callum got out his phone and sent a text. 

_“Can we talk? My place. X"_

Callum changed out of his work clothes and busied himself tidying the flat, checking his phone every few minutes, staring out of the window as he vacuumed the floor. When the flat was spotless, some forty five minutes later, he finally accepted that Ben wasn’t coming. He’d got a received notification almost immediately but Ben hadn’t replied. He told himself Ben must be busy at work and tried to block out the little voice inside his head telling him that more likely he was with his new boyfriend, whose name Callum couldn’t even bring himself to think of. Ben had probably laughed when he’d seen Callum’s text and deleted it without a second thought. Callum walked to fridge to get a beer, sighing with annoyance when he saw there was only one left. He’d have to go to the Minute Mart and buy more. He picked up his keys and wallet when his phone suddenly pinged. His heart jumped as he reached for it then sank when he saw it was a text from Stuart, enthusiastically reminding him of his stag night tomorrow. Callum sighed and put his phone back in his pocket. Texting Ben had been a stupid idea and it was probably just as well that Ben had ignored it. As he’d said to Jay, he was lucky to have good things to focus on: his stag do, the wedding, a future with Whitney. 

Callum gathered up Chris’s letters and his beret and headed to the bedroom to put them away. He almost jumped out of his skin when the sound of the buzzer pierced through the silence in the flat. The letters fell to the floor as he raced to answer the buzzer, his heart pounding in his chest.

“It’s me.”

Callum bit his lip to stifle a gasp of relief as he buzzed Ben into the flat. He hurriedly picked Chris’s letters up off the floor, his hands shaking as he heard Ben’s footsteps coming up the stairs. He placed the letters and Chris’s beret on the table just as Ben appeared in the doorway.

“Hey,” Callum smiled nervously. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

“Neither did I,” Ben said, his expression inscrutable. He wasn’t about to let Callum know that it had never been in doubt, that he’d just been trying to salvage some pride by making him wait. 

“So...um...how are you?” Callum asked awkwardly. “How’s it going with...um...what’s his name? Joe, is it?” Callum didn’t know why he’d asked that, he didn’t want to know about Ben and his new man but the words had spilled involuntarily from his mouth.

“You mean Josh?” Ben asked with a smirk. “The guy you weren’t jealous of in the caff the other day?”

“Er...yeah, I mean...I wasn’t...” Callum faltered, his neck and face burning with embarrassment. 

“Is that what you wanted to talk about? My love life?” Ben asked. His arms were folded across his chest and there was a hint of amusement in his eyes.

“No, no, of course not. I was just...um...do you want a drink? Tea? Coffee?” Callum asked, feeling more flustered by the second. “Or there’s beer in the fridge? Well, just the one but we can share it if...”

Callum fell silent as he remembered how they’d shared a can of beer after making love in Ben’s bed just a few short weeks ago. He caught Ben’s eye and could tell by the way he held his gaze that he was remembering it too. The moment lasted a split second before Ben looked away. When he turned back to Callum again, his face was expressionless.

“Why am I here, Callum?” Ben asked wearily.

“I...I just wanted to talk...” 

“About what?” 

Before Callum could reply, Ben spotted Chris's beret on the table. He walked over and picked it up, smirking at Callum.

“Oh, I get it. You were hoping I’d turn up in my overalls so we could play dress up. The grease monkey and the soldier boy.”

“No,” Callum said, reaching for the beret, but Ben held it out of reach behind his back.

“I can’t say I’ve ever had a thing for army uniforms,” Ben mused. “Now, firemen, that’s another story. Or policemen, which is kinda weird for a Mitchell but...”

“Give it back, Ben,” Callum said. His voice was even but forceful. Ben silently handed the beret back to Callum, catching sight of the name tag as he did so.

“Who's Christopher?” Ben asked, frowning.

“He's an army mate. I mean, he was...He died.” Callum’s voice trembled and his grip tightened on the beret as he blinked back tears.

“Oh, Callum, I’m so sorry,” Ben said softly, his eyes full of remorse. He remembered how he'd snapped at Callum that time he’d caught him fooling around with Paul’s headband. “I’d never have messed around with it if I’d known.”

“You weren’t to know,” Callum shrugged, placing the beret back on the table with Chris’s letters.

Ben took a step closer to Callum and placed his hand on his arm.

“He was more than a mate, wasn’t he?” Ben asked gently.

Callum nodded as a sob escaped from his mouth, tears spilling from his eyes, and he fell into the warm embrace of Ben’s arms. Ben soothingly rubbed his back with one hand, the other cradling his head as Callum wept on his shoulder. When Callum’s tears subsided, Ben manoeuvred him towards the sofa and went over to the kitchen to make them both a cup of tea. He placed the mugs on the coffee table and sat down next to Callum.

“Thanks,” Callum smiled weakly. 

“It’s okay.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, each sipping their tea, until Ben finally spoke.

“Do you want to talk about him? I mean, that is why you asked me here?” Ben asked softly. 

“I know I shouldn’t have bothered you but...you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to...” Callum’s voice trailed off, the pain of losing Chris hitting him all over again.

“To lose someone you love.” Ben finished Callum’s sentence for him as Callum nodded silently.

“How long were you together?” Ben asked tentatively.

“We weren’t, not really,” Callum sighed, his voice heavy with regret. “I mean, we both knew how we felt but we never spoke about it, never did anything. I was too scared and he didn’t want to push me.”

Ben nodded thoughtfully but remained silent, letting Callum continue.

“His sister gave me some letters he wrote to her, about me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have them but in a way it just makes it worse. Seeing it all written down, it just makes me wish I could go back and tell him that I felt the same.”

“I know,” Ben said softly, touching the ring on his finger. 

“It’s my own fault. I got out of the army cos I couldn’t deal with my feelings for him. I ran away from it, from him. I thought I’d never see him again anyway, so what right have I got to miss him now?” 

“You loved him,” Ben said simply. “That gives you every right to feel whatever you feel, to grieve for him however you need to. That’s the thing about feelings, you can fight them all you want but you can’t stop them.” 

Ben leaned forward and took a sip of his tea. He could sense Callum’s eyes on him, he felt him move closer but Ben stayed still until he felt Callum’s hand on his shoulder. He turned to face him and was met with Callum’s lips seeking his own. 

“No,” Ben said, quickly getting up off the sofa.

“But...” Callum frowned, hurt and confusion etched on his face. 

“Is that what this really is? A booty call? You want a bit of comfort sex?”

“No!” Callum said defensively. It was the truth, he’d only wanted to talk to Ben knowing he’d understand about Chris. He’d forgotten about his inability to be around Ben without wanting to kiss him, touch him, to give in to his yearning for him.

“I’m sorry,” Callum mumbled. “I shouldn’t have...I know you’re with someone else now.”

“Not your fault I’m irresistible, is it?” Ben smirked.

Callum smiled and shook his head affectionately. 

“I should go,” Ben said. “I'll be in the Vic later, if you want to talk. About Chris, I mean. I know what you’re going through and if you want a mate, I’m there for you. But it’s probably best to meet somewhere public, keep temptation at bay.”

“No...wait,” Callum pleaded.

Ben lifted his face to look at Callum, his eyes wary and uncertain.

“Listen, Ben, I know it’s too late for me and Chris but there’s things I need to say to you.”

“Like what?” Ben’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Like...like you were wrong about what you said in the caff, about me using you. I wasn’t. Or at least, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. And it did mean something. It meant a lot, more than I can explain with words. The way you made me feel...” Callum’s voice trailed off and he looked away, afraid that if he looked at Ben he wouldn’t be able to resist trying to kiss him again.

Ben smiled almost shyly. He tried to speak but Callum hadn’t finished. 

“I'll never forgive myself for cheating on Whitney and I’ll never do it again but you’ll always be special to me, Ben. I'll never forget...”

“Hold on,” Ben interrupted, his smile fading, replaced by a frown of disbelief. “You’re still going ahead with the wedding?”

“Of course. I love Whitney, you know that.”

“So what are you saying? ‘Thanks for the memories, Ben, now sling yer hook'?”

“Don’t be like that, Ben. I just wanted to be honest with you.”

“Honest?!” Ben laughed bitterly. “Are you hearing yourself, Callum? You wanna be honest with me, when you can’t even be honest with yourself.”

“Who says I’m not being honest? I love Whitney, okay? I want to be with her, build a life with her...” Callum insisted. 

“That’s what I told myself about Abi. Because I was like you, too scared to...”

“No!” Callum shouted. “No, Ben, I’m not like you! You just don’t get it, do you? I’m nothing like you!”

“Right,” Ben said sarcastically, staring into Callum’s eyes. “You’re not like me. You’re not gay. You’re not queer. You're not a poof...” Ben’s voice grew louder and angrier, as he punctuated every word with a jab of his finger. “...A faggot. A dirty, perverted...”

“Shut up!!” Callum yelled at Ben, grabbing him by the scruff of his t-shirt and slamming him into the wall. “Just shut up! Don’t use words like that!”

“Why not?” Ben stared defiantly at Callum who kept him pressed up against the wall. “It’s what you think of me, isn’t it? What you think of yourself?”

“No. No, it’s not,” Callum said firmly. His eyes glanced down at Ben’s mouth, open and inviting. He swallowed heavily then took a step back, turning his back on Ben and rubbing his hand over his eyes. He took a deep breath before turning around again to face Ben, who remained standing silently by the wall. 

“Alright. Yes, I’m gay,” Callum said quietly. “Is that what you want to hear? I’m gay. There, I said it. You happy now?”

Ben stared at Callum in astonishment. He took a step forward, his hand extended to touch Callum’s face, but Callum backed away before he could make contact.

“You wanted me to be honest, well there you go. But I’m also being honest when I say I want to be with Whitney. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean we can’t be happy.”

“I don’t believe I’m hearing this,” Ben muttered, rolling his eyes. “How can you possibly think you can make her happy?”

“Because like I said, I’m not like you. You’re out and proud and I respect you for it. It takes guts. But that’s your choice. I’m not going to break Whitney’s heart just so I can feel good about being ‘true to myself' or whatever.” 

“You _will_ break her heart, though, one way or another.”

“I won’t,” Callum said determinedly. “ I meant what I said, I’m never going to cheat on her again.”

“You will. Even if you never touch another man again. You’ll still be cheating on her, every time you’re in bed with her and you’re thinking of me or some other bloke. Doesn’t she deserve better than that?”

“Don’t you try and tell me what Whitney deserves,” Callum said angrily. “You know nothing about me and her. I love her and I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy.”

“Even if it costs you your own happiness?”

“It’s called putting other people first, Ben. Being happy isn’t just about getting what you want all the time. But I don’t expect you to understand about that.”

A wounded look flickered across Ben’s face.

“Okay. Fine,” Ben said coldly, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “If that’s what you want. I've tried to help you but you cant help someone who won’t help themselves. Just don’t come crying to me when your little fantasy life falls apart.”

Ben turned on his heels and walked out of the flat, the sound of his footsteps increasingly distant on the stairs. Callum heard the door close and moved towards the window. He watched as Ben walked away without looking back, exuding his usual confident swagger, hands shoved in his pockets, head turning to cast an appreciative glance at a passing young man. Callum bit down on his lip to quell the rising pang of jealousy but still he stared at Ben until he disappeared from view. Callum then walked over to the table and picked up Chris’s letters and beret. He placed them inside the cardboard box in the bedroom and shoved it to the back of the wardrobe. He could imagine Ben’s face if he was there right now, smirking as he made some smart arse remark about the closet. Callum shook his head to snap himself out of it. Chris was dead. Ben had walked away, literally and figuratively. Those chapters of his life were over now and a new one was about to begin. Callum closed the wardrobe door, catching a glimpse of his wedding suit as he did so. In just eight days time he and Whitney would be married. That was all that mattered now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in updating again. I struggled a lot with this chapter and I'm still not sure it really works but I feel it's needed to move the story on. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this so far and left kudos or feedback. I truly appreciate it ❤

The morning of Callum’s stag do dawned bright and sunny, the sky a clear, pristine blue. Callum looked out of the curtains and quickly pulled them shut again, the glorious weather in stark contrast to the darkness of his mood. The sound of the market traders’ banter, laughing as they set up their stalls, seemed to be mocking him. Callum sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands as he ordered himself to get a grip. This wasn’t how a man was supposed to feel on the day of his stag do, with his wedding to the woman he loved just a week away. He decided to go for a run, hoping it might serve as a distraction, help him clear his mind to focus on what was important. 

After doing a couple of laps of the square and running to the allotments and back, Callum felt his mood lifting somewhat, despite, or maybe because of the physical exhaustion he felt. He reminded himself how lucky he was, how most men would give their right arm to be in his shoes. Of course they didn’t know about the emptiness, the aching loneliness inside him. Only Ben knew about that. Callum stopped running and leaned forward, grabbing onto the railings around the square. He curled his fists tightly around the metal, eyes squeezed shut, trying to banish the thought of Ben from his mind. It would get better, he told himself. People were always saying that relationships and marriage weren’t always easy, that you had to work hard to make a success of it. He could do that, he told himself. He could work hard at getting over Ben and prove him wrong by making Whitney happy. _“Even if it costs you your own happiness?”_ Ben’s words echoed in his head. Callum gripped the metal railings until his knuckles turned white. He looked up, his eyes searching for something, anything, that would distract his mind from thinking of Ben. He noticed Jay sitting on the bench in front of him. He looked stressed, checking his phone and running his hands through his hair. Callum walked over and sat down next to him. 

“Jay? You alright? You look a bit stressed.”

“Oh...alright, Callum?” Jay said distractedly. “Looking forward to tonight?”

“Yeah, can’t wait,” Callum smiled over-enthusiastically. “You’re still coming, aren’t you?”

“Actually, I’m not sure. It depends on...”

Jay was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing as Callum gave him a puzzled look.

“Sorry, mate, I need to get this,” Jay said. He turned away slightly as he answered the call.

“Phil? Any news?...what?...but I thought Ritchie...surely they can’t do that...okay, yeah, let me know if...okay, bye.”

Jay ended the call and sat staring at ground, shaking his head.

“Jay, what’s wrong?” Callum asked. 

Jay hesitated for a moment then let out a deep sigh.

“I suppose it’ll be all over the square soon enough,” Jay said finally. “It’s Ben. He got arrested last night for the attack on Phil.”

“Wh...what?” Callum asked, certain he must have misheard. 

“You heard.”

“But...why? How? I mean, Ben had nothing to do with it.”  
Callum realised too late that his words might lead Jay to question how he knew Ben was innocent but Jay didn’t appear to notice.

“When has lack of evidence ever stopped the old bill? Especially where the Mitchells are concerned. They’re just trying it on. It’s been weeks since it happened, they need to look like they’re doing something.”

“But what about innocent until proven guilty? They can’t just arrest him for no reason!” The anger and panic in Callum’s voice were palpable.

“Apparently they can. Phil’s lawyer says they’ve got enough circumstantial evidence to hold him for 72 hours before charging him.”

“What circumstantial evidence?”

“Well, he’s got previous for a start, plus a massive grudge against Phil. Then there’s the fact he doesn’t have an alibi. Or rather he does, but he’s disappeared off the face of the earth.”

“What do you mean?” Callum frowned. 

“Well, according to Ben, he was getting horizontal with some bloke at the time of the attack...”

Callum froze as the realisation hit him that Jay was talking about him. 

“Problem is,” Jay continued, “the guy's deleted his profile off the app and even the police can’t trace him.”

“What guy? What app?” Callum asked, his head spinning with confusion.

“I just told you. The guy Ben was in bed with,” Jay sighed impatiently. “He met him through that hook up app but now he's disappeared off it.”

“But that’s not...” Callum’s voice trailed off as the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. He ran his hand over his face, the enormity of the situation hitting him like a sledgehammer. 

“I’ve gotta go,” Callum said, getting up off the bench. “Don’t worry about Ben, he'll be out soon.” 

Callum patted Jay’s shoulder and broke into a run out of the square.

~

Callum looked at his watch as he paced around the small interview room. He’d spent almost two hours in the waiting area of the police station while they tried to contact the detectives in charge of Phil’s case. “It’s Saturday morning, Mr Highway. Even the police are entitled to a lie in on the occasional weekend off,” the desk sergeant had told him haughtily when he’d asked how much longer he’d have to wait. He’d then pointed out to Callum that he was free to leave and come back on Monday. “No. I'll wait,” Callum had said determinedly before returning to his seat.

Eventually he'd been shown into the interview room and told that someone would be along to speak to him shortly, but that had been almost an hour ago. He stared up at the ceiling, anxiety and frustration welling up inside him at the thought that Ben was locked up somewhere in this building and no one seemed interested in helping to get him out. Callum clenched his fist, itching to punch the wall to relieve his tension. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and took a deep breath to calm himself. They'd be watching him through the two way glass and the video camera in the corner of the ceiling. Appearing to lose his cool wasn’t going to help Ben. Callum sat down and held his head in his hands. This was all his fault, he told himself. It was his secret that Ben was protecting. Tears filled his eyes at the thought that even now, despite everything, Ben still cared enough to keep his promise not to out him. He bit his lip to force back the tears. Getting emotional wasn’t going to help Ben either. He heard footsteps outside the door and sat up straight, taking a deep breath as the door opened and two detectives walked in. 

“Good afternoon, Mr Highway,” the blonde female detective said. “I’m DCI Morgan and this is DC Wallace.”

Callum nodded and smiled in acknowledgement.

“I understand you have some information about the attack on Phillip Mitchell?”

“Yeah...I...it wasn’t Ben. I was with him that evening. He had nothing to do with it. You have to let him go.”

“I see,” DCI Morgan said, her face and voice devoid of expression. “Could you talk me through that evening? Where were you and Mr Mitchell?” 

“At his house. Well, I met him at E20 and then we went back to his house.”

“What time was this?”

“About twenty past five.”

“And what time did you leave?”

“Just after nine, I think.”

“And Mr Mitchell was there the whole time? He didn’t leave and come back?”

“No. I mean, yeah, he was there with me the whole time.”

“Was anyone else in the house at the time?”

“No, it was just me and Ben.”

“So there’s no one who can verify your claims?”

“No,” Callum admitted. “But I’m telling you the truth!”

“What did you and Mr Mitchell do while you were in the house together?” DCI Morgan continued.

Callum felt a blush creeping over his neck and face.

“Er... nothing much,” he answered nervously. “We just had a couple of beers and a chat, you know.”

“So, you met at a club but instead of going inside for a drink and a chat, you decided to go to Mr Mitchell’s house to do just that?” DCI Morgan raised her eyebrows questioningly. 

“Ben works at E20. I guess he just wanted a change of scenery,” Callum shrugged. 

“Fair enough,” DCI Morgan said. “So what did you and Mr Mitchell chat about for three and a half hours?”

“I dunno...just stuff. What does it matter anyway? The point is I was there with him when Phil was attacked.”

DCI Morgan shuffled through some papers in front of her then looked up at Callum.

“You were also with Mr Mitchell a couple of months ago when he bought a van that turned out to have been stolen. You attended this station to give a description of the men who sold it to him.”

“What’s that got to do...?” Callum started but DCI Morgan interrupted.

“Rather coincidental, isn’t it? You just happen to be around whenever Ben Mitchell needs an alibi.”

“What are you trying to say?” Callum asked anxiously. “I’m telling you the truth. Check the CCTV at E20 if you don’t believe me.”

“Thanks for the tip, Mr Highway,” DCI Morgan said with a hint of sarcasm. “We already thought of that ourselves. The CCTV does indeed show you and Ben Mitchell talking in the doorway then walking off.”

“Well, there you go then,” Callum said. 

“However, the CCTV doesn’t show where you went.”

“I already told you. We went back to Ben’s.”

DCI Morgan sat back in her chair and shared a look with DC Wallace. The latter took some papers from a file and passed them to her. She glanced at them briefly then turned back to Callum.

“Mr Highway, we have reason to believe that Phillip Mitchell was attacked by more than one assailant. Is there anything you can tell us about that?”

“No, I didn’t know that,” Callum said, furrowing his brow as the implication sunk in. “Hold on...you don’t think me and Ben...that’s ridiculous!” Callum couldn’t help but laugh with nervous disbelief. 

“Attempted murder is no laughing matter, Mr Highway,” DC Wallace said, giving Callum a pointed look.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Callum said in a conciliatory tone. “I understand you’re just doing your job. But I swear, I had nothing to do with it and neither did Ben.”

“So you'd be willing to provide a DNA sample, so we can eliminate you?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve got nothing to hide.” Callum felt himself flinch as he said the words.

“Thank you,” DCI Morgan said. “So, just to recap your version of events. You met Ben Mitchell at E20 but instead of going inside for a drink you went to his house, where you spent three and a half hours having a drink and talking about ‘stuff'?” 

“Yes, that’s correct,” Callum said, trying to stifle his impatience.

“Mr Highway, you are aware that lying to the police and attempting to pervert the course of justice are serious offences which carry a custodial sentence?”

“I’m not lying!” Callum exclaimed loudly. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“Because, Mr Highway,” DCI Morgan said, staring intently at Callum. “Your version of events doesn’t match with Mr Mitchell’s.”

Callum sighed and hung his head, wringing his hands together under the table. This wasn’t going at all how he had thought it would. He took a deep breath and raised his head to face the two detectives, his voice trembling slightly as he spoke.

“Ben told you he got a match with some bloke online, didn’t he?” 

DCI Morgan and DC Wallace glanced at each other then silently turned to look at Callum again.

“He lied about that,” Callum continued. “But not because of what happened to Phil. He’s not trying to get himself off the hook, he’s trying to protect me.”

“Protect you from what?”

Callum ran his hand over his face. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and looked DCI Morgan directly in the eye.

“Tonight’s meant to be my stag do. I'm supposed to be getting married next week. To a woman.” Callum lowered his gaze and took a breath before continuing.

“Me and Ben...that evening...We weren’t just having a drink and talking. We were...together.”

“Together?” DCI Morgan raised a quizzical eyebrow.

“Do I really need to spell it out?” Callum asked, feeling himself turning crimson.

“We’re not judging you, Mr Highway,” DCI Morgan said in a softer tone than before. “We’re not interested in what consenting adults get up to in private. But for the benefit of the investigation, are you saying you’re in a physical relationship with Ben Mitchell?”

“Yes,” Callum said emphatically. “I mean, we’re not...it’s over now,” he said, a stab of pain and regret piercing his heart. “But yeah, that evening when Phil was attacked, Ben was in bed with me. He...he promised he wouldn’t out me, that’s why he lied to you.”

“I see,” DCI Morgan said, glancing at DC Wallace who was busy writing into a notepad. “And you'd be prepared to testify to that in court?”

“Yes,” Callum said firmly. “But surely it won’t come to that, will it? You’ve got no real evidence against Ben.”

“That’s up to the CPS to decide,” DC Wallace said. “In the meantime, we'll get a statement printed for you to sign and take that DNA sample. Then you’ll be free to go.”

“But what about Ben? You are going to let him go too, right?”

“If you could come with me, please, Mr Highway,” DC Wallace said, ignoring Callum’s question. 

Callum followed DC Wallace to a small room inside the police station where he gave a DNA sample and signed a statement to confirm what he’d told the police. Despite his repeated questions, they refused to tell him when or if they’d be releasing Ben. 

Callum collected his phone from the front desk and looked through his notifications. There were several texts and missed calls from Whitney as well as a couple of texts from Stuart, sent exactly an hour apart, counting down to his stag do. Callum felt physically sick. He shoved his phone in his pocket and sat down to wait for Ben. After 30 minutes there was still no sign of him so Callum walked up to the desk and approached the officer on duty there.

“Excuse me, can you tell me when you’re going to release Ben Mitchell?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.”

“But he’s innocent!” Callum shouted, banging his fist on the desk. “I've spent hours here trying to tell you that. You have to let him go!”

“I suggest you calm down, sir,” the policeman told Callum. “Unless you want to get yourself arrested as well.”

“I’m sorry,” Callum said helplessly. “But I just need to see Ben. You must have some idea when...”

“Like I said, sir, I can’t give you any information. Why don’t you go home? I’m sure Mr Mitchell will be in touch with you when he’s able to do so.”

Callum sighed and accepted defeat. He walked out of the police station and sat down on the steps. He punched his own leg with frustration. Why weren’t they letting Ben out? He recalled the words of the duty officer on the desk. _“I’m sure Mr Mitchell will be in touch...”_ Suddenly Callum wasn’t so sure. Why would Ben want to see him? They weren’t together anymore, not that they ever had been really, and Ben was with someone else now. The bilious taste of jealousy rose in Callum’s throat again, no matter how much he told himself he had no right to be jealous. In fact, he had no right to expect anything at all from Ben. The words he’d said to Ben the day before came back to haunt him, filling him with shame and regret.

_“It’s called putting other people first, Ben...But I don’t expect you to understand about that.” _

He hadn’t meant it, not really, but still. He’d been wrong to say it, wrong to even think it. Ben had put Callum first, he’d kept his promise not to out him, regardless of the cost to himself. Callum had tried to put it right but it felt like too little, too late. He blinked back tears, his bottom lip trembling. Ben deserved better than him. He felt his phone vibrate and brushed away his tears so he could read the text on the screen. It was from Whitney. _“Babe, where are u? I’m worried about u. Call me xx" _

Callum sighed and typed out a reply. _“Sorry. I'll be home soon x"_ before getting to his feet and heading back to the flat.

~

“Where the hell have you been?” 

Whitney stood accusingly in the doorway of the bedroom as Callum entered the flat. 

“I’m so sorry,” Callum said, hanging his head to avoid Whitney’s eyes. “I had to go to the police station.”

“Why? What’s happened?” Whitney frowned.

“I...” Callum’s mouth was dry and his palms felt sweaty with nerves. “It’s...it's Ben. He got arrested last night for the attack on Phil. I had to go to the police and tell them he...he was with me.”

“What? You've been lying to the police for him again?! Did I not make myself clear after that business with the van? You wait til I see him, I swear...”

“No, Whit,” Callum interrupted her. “I wasn’t lying, not this time. I was with him that night.”

Callum ran his hand nervously over his face, barely able to look at Whitney as he awaited her reaction.

“Where? Doing what?” 

“At his house. We...”

“Wait,” Whitney interrupted. “That night Phil was attacked, you said you went to see a customer after work?” 

“I know. I lied,” Callum admitted, guilt burning his insides. “I’m so sorry, Whit.” 

“Why did you lie to me? What dodgy scheme has he got you involved in now?”

“It’s nothing like that. It’s...I...” Callum stammered, struggling to find words, let alone say them. He was reprieved by Whitney’s phone ringing.

“Tiff?” Whitney answered the phone. “Yeah, sorry, I’m on my way. See you in a bit. Bye.”

“Where are you going?” Callum asked as Whitney picked up the small overnight bag by the bedroom door.

“Sonia's. I’m getting ready for tonight over there. Tiff's doing my make-up.” 

“No, Whit,” Callum said, grabbing Whitney’s arm. “You can’t go. We need to talk.”

“Oh, we will, don’t you worry about that,” Whitney said scathingly. “But right now, I’ve got a hen night to go to. I’m not letting Ben Mitchell ruin that for me. You'd better get ready an' all,” she added, turning her nose up slightly at the sight of Callum’s dishevelled appearance. “I mean, I know you want to keep it low key but turning up to your stag do in running clothes and stinking of sweat is taking it too far.”

Callum felt tears prick his eyes. His bottom lip trembled as he looked at Whitney and he tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Whit...there ain’t gonna be a stag do.” Callum finally managed to blurt out.

“What?” Whitney frowned at him.

“Or a hen do,” Callum continued. “I can’t marry you, Whit. I.. I’m so sorry.” A tear fell from Callum’s eye as Whitney stared at him, unable to comprehend his words.

“What?” Whitney repeated. “Callum, has something happened?”

“I’m so sorry,” Callum said again. He reached out to take Whitney’s hand but she batted him away.

“Will you stop saying you’re sorry and just tell me what’s going on?!” Whitney demanded, her eyes wide with apprehension and fear.

Callum gripped the kitchen counter to steady himself. He hung his head and took a deep breath before turning to face Whitney.

“Me and Ben...that night,” he said, his voice faltering. “When I said I was with him...I meant I was..._with_ him.” 

A heavy, oppressive silence hung in the air as Callum’s words sunk in. 

“With him?” Whitney stared at Callum in disbelief. “As in...?” 

Callum nodded silently, tears streaming down his cheeks, as he watched the colour drain from Whitney’s face. She remained silent and motionless, as if paralysed by shock.

“I’m so sorry, Whit,” Callum said, his voice breaking as he spoke. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“You bastard!!” Whitney screamed at him, delayed reaction kicking in. She threw herself towards Callum, thumping his chest with both her fists. “You lying, cheating, bastard! How could you do this to me?” 

Callum stood still as Whitney vented her anger. He barely felt the physical blows as she pounded her fists against his torso, they were nothing compared to the hurt in her eyes and her anguished cries of distress and betrayal. 

“I hate you!” Whitney yelled, pushing Callum away as her strength left her and she broke down in tears.

“Whit, please,” Callum sobbed, moving towards her.

“Get away from me!” Whitney cried out. She picked up a bottle of wine and poured herself a large glassful. She took a long gulp from it and turned towards Callum who stood staring down at the kitchen counter, gripping the side of it with both hands.

“How long?” Whitney asked coldly.

“Wh...what?” Callum stammered through his tears.

“How long have you been cheating on me with Ben Mitchell?”

Callum hesitated for a moment. He couldn’t bear to hurt Whitney any more than he already had but he knew she deserved the truth.

“The first time was about three months ago. That night when we were all at E20.”

“Three months?! You’ve been at it with him the whole time we've been engaged?!”

“No, no, not the whole time,” Callum said quickly. “Nothing happened again until that night when Phil was attacked. After that first time I told myself it was a mistake, I tried to forget about it. I tried to stay away from him but...”

“That night at E20,” Whitney cut him off. “You proposed to me the next day. Why would you do that?”

“Because I wanted to be with you, Whit. I do love you, no matter what...”

“You liar! You've been using me the whole time. I never meant anything to you, did I? I was just...a beard, isn’t that what they call it? Someone for you to hide behind because you’re not man enough to admit who you really are.”

The venom in Whitney’s voice cut Callum to the bone.

“It wasn’t like that,” he protested feebly.

“Yes it was. That’s exactly what it was like,” Whitney retorted. She downed her glass of wine and poured another, taking a drink of it and letting out a bitter laugh. 

“It all makes sense now. Why you'd never been with a girl before, why you can barely bring yourself to touch me, let alone sleep with me. I can’t believe I was so blind not to see it. I’m such a mug.”

“No, you’re not,” Callum said, reaching out to take Whitney’s hand. 

“Don’t touch me!” Whitney pulled away angrily. 

“Whit, please, listen to me. I did love you. I _do_ love you. That’s why I can’t lie to you anymore. I... I’m gay.” Callum sniffed and brushed away a fresh wave of tears. “I’m so sorry and I wish things were different but you deserve better. You deserve to be happy, truly happy. I wish I could be the man to make that happen for you but I’m not and I never can be. I realise that now.”

“You realise it _now_? You didn’t realise it all the time you were screwing Ben Mitchell behind my back?”

Callum hung his head guiltily.

“I’m so sorry, Whit. I hate myself for doing this to you.”

“Not as much as _I_ hate you,” Whitney snarled at Callum. 

She pulled the gaudy engagement ring off her finger and threw it in Callum’s face, hitting him on the cheek. She then picked up her overnight bag and walked out of the flat without looking back. 

Callum stood rooted to the spot, trying to process what had just happened. He and Whitney were over, just like that. It didn’t seem real. He felt like he was having an out of body experience, as if this was all happening to someone else and he was watching from a distance. He felt his phone vibrate, dragging him back to reality. He realised he still hadn’t heard from Ben since leaving the police station. His hands shook as pulled his phone from his pocket and his heart sank when he saw it was another text from Stuart, reminding him that there was just one hour to go until his stag do. Callum tossed his phone on the kitchen counter and reached for the bottle of wine. He took a swig straight from the bottle and sank down onto the floor, burying his head in his hands as he wept.

Some fifteen minutes later the buzzer sounded in the flat. Callum ignored it at first, taking another drink from the bottle of wine as he remained sitting on the kitchen floor, but whoever it was kept on buzzing until Callum couldn’t block it out any longer. He walked over to the window and saw Stuart standing outside. Callum quickly moved away but Stuart had already seen him. The buzzer went again as Stuart shouted up at the window.

“Callum! I know you’re in there so you might as well let me in cos I’m not going anywhere until you do.”

Callum sighed and buzzed Stuart into the flat.

“Callum, what’s happened?” Stuart asked as he entered the flat. “Whitney’s just turned up at Mrs Branning's in a right state. She’s saying you’ve split up.”

“It’s true,” Callum said simply, taking another swig of wine.

“But...you can’t split up. It’s your stag do tonight, you’re getting married next week.”

“Not anymore. It’s over between me and Whitney.” It still didn’t feel real to Callum, even when he said the words out loud.

“But why?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Stu,” Callum sighed.

“Look, whatever it is, you can sort it out. You and Whitney, you’re made for each other. I’m sure if you talk to her...”

“Just leave it, Stuart!” Callum yelled. “It’s over, that’s all you need to know.”

“I'm your brother, Callum. I just want to help,” Stuart said quietly.

“Okay,” Callum said, downing the remains of the wine and placing the empty bottle on the counter. “If you want to help, go to the Minute Mart and get me something to drink.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“It can’t make things worse,” Callum shrugged.

“Okay,” Stuart said reluctantly. “I'll be right back.”

“Stu, can you do one more thing for me?”

“Sure. What?”

“Can you go to the Vic and let Mick know the stag do's cancelled. Tell him I'm sorry and I'll pay him for the food.”

“And what should I tell him when he asks why?”

“I dunno...” Callum sighed. “You'll think of something.”

Stuart returned to the flat a short while later, carrying a Minute Mart bag containing several cans of beer and a bottle of vodka, and two portions of fish and chips.

“Just the beer would’ve been fine,” Callum said, opening a can and sitting down at the table. “You didn’t need to get vodka as well. I’m not Dad.”

“You just said ‘something to drink'. I didn’t know...”

“And I’m not hungry,” Callum said, as Stuart laid plates and cutlery on the table and unwrapped the fish and chips.

“You need to eat,” Stuart told him, tucking into his own food. “By the way, I told Mick that you had a dodgy curry last night and weren’t feeling well so the stag do's been postponed.”

“It’s not postponed, Stuart,” Callum sighed. “It’s cancelled. And so’s the wedding.”

“Don’t be so defeatist, bruv. So, you and Whitney have had a lovers' tiff, that doesn’t mean....”

“You’re not listening to me!” Callum exclaimed frustratedly. “It’s not a lovers' tiff, it's...” Callum fell silent.

Stuart put down his knife and fork and looked at Callum.

“It’s Ben Mitchell, innit?” Stuart said, his eyes narrowing. 

“Why do you ask that? What has Whitney said?”

“Nothing. Well, not to me, anyway. Sonia asked me to give them all some space so I came straight over here.”

Callum silently looked down at his plate, toying with his food.

“How did she find out?” Stuart asked tentatively.

“I told her.”

“But why?” Stuart frowned.

“Because I couldn’t lie to her anymore. She deserves better.”

“Oh, Callum,” Stuart sighed, shaking his head. “You’re too pure for this world sometimes. That’s why you let the likes of Ben Mitchell get in your head and manipulate you.”

“He didn’t manipulate me!” Callum protested.

“It’s okay. It’s not too late,” Stuart continued, ignoring Callum’s protests. “Just tell Whitney what you told me, that it was a one-off and he took advantage of you. She'll understand and forgive you and this will all blow over. Especially now that Ben’s out of the picture for the foreseeable.”

“It wasn’t like that. I never said he took advantage. And what do you mean, Ben’s out of the picture?”

“Haven't you heard? He’s been arrested for attacking Phil. Rainie heard Ian and Kathy talking about it. You don’t have to worry about him anymore. He’s looking at twenty years, at least.”

“He didn’t do it,” Callum said firmly.

“There you go again,” Stuart said with a sigh. “Always trying to see the good in people. But there’s no good in Ben Mitchell, Callum. He’s a nasty piece of work.”

“Shut up!!” Callum yelled at Stuart. “Don’t talk about him like that. You know nothing about him. He didn’t attack Phil, alright? I know that for a fact, because I was with him when it happened.”

“You were with him?”

“Yes. And before you say it, he didn’t force me or take advantage of me. I was with him because I wanted to, because I wanted _him_.”__

_ _Stuart stared at Callum in disbelief._ _

_ _“So...are you saying you...you’re...?”_ _

_ _“Yes, Stuart. I’m saying I’m gay.” Callum said quietly._ _

_ _“Oh...er...are you sure?” _ _

_ _Callum simply rolled his eyes in reply. _ _

_ _“And Ben’s your...boyfriend?” Stuart flinched as he spoke._ _

_ _“No,” Callum shook his head regretfully. “It’s over with me and him. He’s with someone else now.”_ _

_ _“What, so he’s just turned your life upside down and moved on to his next victim? See, that’s what he’s really like. A predator who gets off on ruining people’s lives.”_ _

_ _“No! No, he ain’t.” Callum eyes flashed with anger at Stuart. “You haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. He could have told the police that he was with me when Phil was attacked but he didn’t because he promised he wouldn’t out me. He’s been locked up for protecting me. He could have had you locked up an’ all after you beat him up at Pride but he let it go, for my sake. He’s ten times a better man than you could ever hope to be.”_ _

_ _“Look, bruv, I'm sorry if I've upset you,” Stuart said. “I was only trying to help.”_ _

_ _“Yeah? Well I don’t need your help so can you just go now, please?”_ _

_ _“Callum, don’t be like that.”_ _

_ _“Just get out, Stuart!!” Callum shouted, grabbing Stuart’s arm and shoving him towards the doorway._ _

_ _“Okay, okay,” Stuart said, holding up his hands. “But I’m still your brother, remember. I'll always be there for you, whatever happens.”_ _

_ _Callum sighed and ran his hand over his face._ _

_ _“I’m sorry. I know you mean well, most of the time. I just need to be on my own right now.”_ _

_ _Stuart nodded and headed down the stairs. Callum waited until he heard the door close and got out his phone. He dialled Ben’s number and sighed when it went straight to voicemail. He hesitated then hung up without leaving a message and took another beer out of the Minute Mart bag on the counter._ _

_ _~_ _

_ _The sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by footsteps coming up the stairs stirred Callum from the drunken stupor he’d fallen into on the sofa. He raised his head painfully and squinted through half closed eyes at the figure standing in the middle of the room._ _

_ _“Whit?” Callum frowned, rubbing his pounding forehead with his hand. “What are you doing here?”_ _

_ _“I came to get my stuff. Didn’t you get my text?”_ _

_ _Callum reached out and picked his phone up off the coffee table. He scrolled the notifications and felt his heart sink when there were none from Ben. He’d called Ben’s number at least half a dozen times the night before but each time it had gone straight to voicemail. He’d left several messages once he’d found enough Dutch courage; he couldn’t remember exactly what he’d said in his alcohol induced haze but it had clearly been the wrong thing as it hadn’t elicited any response from Ben. He sighed as he read Whitney’s text _“Coming to get my stuff in half an hour. Make sure you’re out.”__ _

_ _“Sorry. I was asleep, didn’t hear the phone.”_ _

_ _“Loverboy worn you out, has he?” Whitney said bitterly. Her gaze fell on the table and the two plates of half-eaten fish and chips which Callum hadn’t bothered to clear away._ _

_ _“Takeaway for two? Didn’t take him long to get his feet under the table, did it?”_ _

_ _“What? No, no, that was Stuart,” Callum explained. _ _

_ _“It’s okay, Callum, you don’t have to lie to me anymore. Or maybe it’s just second nature to you.”_ _

_ _“Whit, I'm not lying.” Callum got to his feet and moved towards her. “I haven’t seen Ben since...”_ _

_ _“Got bored of you already, has he?” Whitney sneered. “Well, that’s Ben Mitchell for you. Going around wrecking people’s lives without a second thought.”_ _

_ _“He ain’t like that, Whit. I know you must hate him but none of this is his fault. He didn’t make me gay.”_ _

_ _“I know that, Callum,” Whitney rolled her eyes. “I might have been blind but I ain’t stupid. You didn’t choose to be gay. But you chose to lie to me, to lead me on, to make me believe you loved me. That’s what really hurts, even more than the cheating.”_ _

_ _“I know. You’ve got every right to hate me.”_ _

_ _“I don’t hate you, Callum,” Whitney said sadly. “I just wish you could have been honest with me.”_ _

_ _“So do I,” Callum said tearfully. “But I was too scared to be honest with myself. I’m sorry, Whit. I’ve been a coward.”_ _

_ _“So what’s changed? Why tell me last night?”_ _

_ _“Because all that time I was at the police station yesterday, all I kept thinking was what a mess it all was and how it was all my fault. I went there to try to put things right for Ben and I realised I had to do right by you as well. You’re such a kind, loving person, Whit. You should save that love for someone who truly deserves it.”_ _

_ _An awkward silence hung in the air between them for a moment._ _

_ _“I need to get my stuff,” Whitney said finally and headed towards the bedroom._ _

_ _Callum busied himself washing up his and Stuart’s plates and clearing away the empty beer cans scattered on the coffee table. He looked up as Whitney emerged from the bedroom pulling a large suitcase behind her._ _

_ _“Where are you gonna go?” Callum asked with concern._ _

_ _“Milton Keynes. I’m gonna stay with Bianca for a bit.”_ _

_ _“But you are coming back?” _ _

_ _“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore,” Whitney said, blinking back tears. “I just need to get away from here.”_ _

_ _“I'm sorry,” Callum said, feeling tears of his own starting to well up._ _

_ _“Goodbye, Callum,” Whitney said quietly, her voice sad and regretful, betraying just a hint of bitterness._ _

_ _“At least let me carry this downstairs for you.” _ _

_ _Callum took the handle of Whitney’s suitcase, desperate to do this one last, small thing for her._ _

_ _“No.” Whitney pulled the suitcase away from him. “I can manage on my own,” she said determinedly, with a pointed look at Callum which told him her words were aimed at herself more than at him. _ _

_ _Callum nodded silently and stared down at the floor._ _

_ _“Take care, Whit,” he said tenderly as she headed for the stairs but she didn’t reply or look back. _ _

_ _Callum flinched at the sound of the door closing behind Whitney. He looked around the flat, the bright pink walls felt like they were closing in on him. He noticed the bottle of vodka sitting on the kitchen counter and reached out for it but changed his mind almost immediately. He didn’t need another hangover, or rather a continuation of his existing one. Instead he went into the bathroom and had a shower then headed to the bedroom to get dressed. The room felt strange and alien to him now, as if he was an intruder in his own home. He pulled some clean clothes out of the wardrobe, his eyes catching sight of the box with Chris’s letters as he did so. He felt tears sting his eyes as he quickly got dressed. The urge to get out of the flat was suddenly overwhelming. He picked up his keys, wallet and phone, silently cursing the latter for still showing no sign of any contact from Ben. He looked around cautiously as he stepped out of the front door and hurried towards the tube station. _ _

_ _Callum walked through the cemetery reading the names on the tombstones, looking for Chris’s grave. There were so many of them, some well tended and adorned with flowers, others bare apart from the moss and weeds obscuring them. So many lives lived and lost. Callum felt more small and insignificant than he ever had before. It took him a moment to realise someone was speaking his name._ _

_ _“Callum?”_ _

_ _He turned round to see Vicky standing behind him, a warm smile on her face._ _

_ _“Vicky...,” Callum returned her smile. “I hope you don’t mind me coming here. I just...” Callum’s voice trailed off; he wasn’t sure himself why he was there, it had just felt like somewhere he could go and feel safe. _ _

_ _“Of course I don’t mind. It’s lovely to see you.”_ _

_ _Vicky looked at the bunch of supermarket flowers Callum was holding. _ _

_ _“I don’t want to intrude,” he said awkwardly._ _

_ _“You’re not. I was just leaving anyway. He’s over there,” Vicky said, pointing towards one of the graves. _ _

_ _“Thanks,” Callum nodded with a weak smile, tears stinging his eyes again._ _

_ _“Callum, are you okay?” Vicky asked with concern. _ _

_ _“Yeah, I’m fine,” Callum replied quickly. “I'll just...um...” He held up the flowers and gestured towards Chris’s grave._ _

_ _“There’s a cafe across the road,” Vicky said, placing her hand gently on Callum’s arm. “I'll be in there if you want to talk.”_ _

_ _Callum waited until Vicky had walked away before slowly walking over to the grave. He knelt down to place the flowers by the stone and read the inscription. Seeing Chris’s name carved into the grey stone brought back the shock and pain of his death all over again. He turned his face to the ground, his fingers toying with the blades of grass as he recalled memories of Chris, of Whitney, of Ben. He’d let them down and lost them all in different ways. “I’m sorry,” he whispered tearfully. “I’m so sorry.”_ _

_ _Callum smiled as he walked into the cafe and saw Vicky waving at him from a small table in the corner. He lifted his hand to his mouth to ask if she wanted a drink and she mouthed “hot chocolate" back at him. Callum asked the man behind the counter for a hot chocolate, a coffee and two jam doughnuts before walking over and sitting down opposite Vicky. _ _

_ _“I wasn’t sure you’d still be here,” Callum said. “I lost track of time.”_ _

_ _“You weren’t that long. And I’m in no rush to go back to an empty flat anyway. The joys of having a partner in the armed forces,” Vicky said with a wry smile. _ _

_ _“You must miss him,” Callum said sympathetically. _ _

_ _“Yeah, I do, but that’s army life. Anyway, he’s back next week. I can’t wait.” _ _

_ _Callum smiled and was about to speak when the cafe owner came over with their drinks and doughnuts. _ _

_ _“Jam doughnuts!” Vicky chuckled. “They were Chris’s favourite.”_ _

_ _“Yeah,” Callum smiled fondly._ _

_ _“It’s one of the few things we didn’t have in common,” Vicky said with an apologetic smile._ _

_ _“You don’t like jam doughnuts?!” Callum exclaimed._ _

_ _“Can’t stand them,” Vicky laughed at Callum’s expression. “Chris thought I was weird too, said there was something wrong with my taste buds.”_ _

_ _Callum chuckled and picked up one of the plates._ _

_ _“I'll get you something else,” he said, getting to his feet._ _

_ _“Don’t worry, it’s fine.”_ _

_ _“No, I insist.”_ _

_ _“Okay, I'll have a blueberry muffin, thank you.”_ _

_ _Callum went over to the counter and returned a few moments later with a blueberry muffin which he placed in front of Vicky._ _

_ _“You didn’t have to,” she smiled. “But thank you.”_ _

_ _“It’s okay. At least it’s one thing I’ve managed to put right,” Callum said with a sad, self-deprecating laugh._ _

_ _“Callum, what’s wrong?” Vicky asked gently. “I can tell something’s troubling you.”_ _

_ _“That’s one thing you _have_ got in common with Chris,” Callum said. “He always knew when something was wrong with me. He always knew how to put it right too.” _ _

_ _Callum smiled sadly and stirred his coffee._ _

_ _“I know I’m not Chris and I’m not saying I know how to put things right, but you can talk to me, you know.” _ _

_ _Callum hesitated for a moment then looked up at Vicky._ _

_ _“I broke up with Whitney. I told her the truth, about me and...um...about me being gay.” _ _

_ _“That can’t have been easy,” Vicky said softly._ _

_ _“It’s one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'll never forgive myself for hurting her.”_ _

_ _“I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but in time she'll look back and be glad you told her now rather than later. You did the right thing, Callum,” Vicky reassured him. “Chris would be proud of you.”_ _

_ _Callum smiled shyly. He wanted to feel proud of himself, he could acknowledge that maybe he had cause to be, but he couldn’t quell the feeling of regret, that it was too little, too late._ _

_ _“So...what was it that made you come out?” Vicky asked. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me, of course. I just wondered.”_ _

_ _“Um...” Callum hesitated and went back to stirring his coffee. He knew Vicky wanted him to tell her that it was because of Chris somehow. Maybe it had been in some small way but he would be lying if he let her believe that it was all down to Chris. And Callum had decided he was done with lying._ _

_ _“It’s complicated,” he said finally._ _

_ _“You’ve got a man, haven’t you?” Vicky said knowingly._ _

_ _Callum looked up, wide-eyed, at Vicky._ _

_ _“It’s okay,” she smiled. “Chris has gone and nothing can bring him back. But you’re still here and he'd want you to be happy.”_ _

_ _“Like I said, it’s complicated,” Callum said, his voice full of regret. It wasn’t complicated at all, he thought, not really. He’d blown his chance with Ben, just like he had with Chris, because he’d been too much of a coward to face up to his true feelings._ _

_ _“What’s his name?” Vicky asked._ _

_ _“Ben,” Callum said, a smile escaping his lips despite his sense of loss._ _

_ _“What’s he like?”_ _

_ _“He’s...he’s...there's no words to describe him really. He’s just...Ben,” Callum chuckled and shook his head affectionately. How could he even begin to describe the force of nature that was Ben Mitchell?_ _

_ _“You really like him, don’t you?”_ _

_ _Callum nodded and smiled bashfully. _ _

_ _“I remember when I first met him, it was like the first time I saw Chris. I mean, he’s nothing like Chris but that feeling...We shook hands across the bar and I just felt...I knew there was something special about him, that he was going to change my life in some way.”_ _

_ _“Well, it looks like he’s certainly done that. But I don’t understand why you say it’s complicated, if you’re single now?”_ _

_ _“It’s a long story,” Callum sighed._ _

_ _“Like I said before, I’m in no rush.”_ _

_ _Callum suddenly found himself telling Vicky the entire story of his and Ben’s relationship, from the night in the park right up to his trip to the police station on the morning of his stag do and the fact he hadn’t heard from Ben since._ _

_ _“I mean, I know he’s with someone else now and he doesn’t owe me anything. I went to the police cos it was the right thing to do, not cos I wanted something in return but still...I thought he might at least text me to let me know he’s okay.”_ _

_ _“Are you sure he’s been released though?”_ _

_ _“He must have been by now. Apparently they can hold him for 72 hours but they had nothing on him in the first place and now he’s got an alibi. Nah, he'll be busy celebrating with that new bloke of his. I doubt he’s given me a second thought.”_ _

_ _Callum sighed despondently and took a sip of his coffee._ _

_ _“You don’t know that for sure. From what you’ve told me, he really cares about you. This new bloke sounds like a rebound thing. I reckon he’d drop him in a heartbeat if he thought he had a chance with you.”_ _

_ _“He knows. I left him loads of voicemails last night.” Callum cringed at the thought of Ben listening to his drunken ramblings and laughing his head off before deleting them._ _

_ _“You don’t know for sure that he’s got them. If he’s not been released yet...”_ _

_ _“But he must’ve been by now!” Callum exclaimed with frustration. _ _

_ _“Maybe he just needs a bit of time to get his head around it all. But until you know for sure, I say you shouldn’t give up hope. And if it turns out he really doesn’t want to be with you, then he’s an idiot and he doesn’t deserve you.”_ _

_ _Callum smiled shyly despite himself. Vicky reached out and squeezed his hand._ _

_ _“You’re a lovely man, Callum. Chris was lucky to have you in his life.”_ _

_ _“Thanks, Vicky,” he said softly, wiping away a tear. “That means a lot.”_ _

_ _They sat in silence for a few minutes until Vicky started to get up._ _

_ _“I'd better get going,” she said. “Work tomorrow and I’ve got a pile of washing that isn’t going to iron itself.”_ _

_ _“Sure...um...I should make a move too,” Callum said, but he remained seated in his chair. _ _

_ _“You okay?” Vicky tilted her head to look at Callum._ _

_ _“Yeah, I just...I think I'll stay and have another coffee, actually.” _ _

_ _“Anyone would think you’re putting off going home,” Vicky said, raising an eyebrow at Callum._ _

_ _“It’s not really home anymore,” Callum said. The truth was he couldn’t face the thought of going back to Walford, back to the flat, where the bright pink decor felt like it was mocking his loneliness. And he didn’t want to bump into anyone he knew who might start asking questions about the cancelled stag and hen dos. He’d come out to Whitney, Stuart and the police but he didn’t feel ready for the wider world to know, not yet. And more than all of that, he was scared of having it confirmed that he and Ben were over. Vicky had given him hope and he wanted to cling on to that for a little bit longer. _ _

_ _“Look, if you need somewhere to stay for a night or two, there’s always my sofa,” Vicky suggested tentatively. _ _

_ _“Oh, I don’t want to put you to any trouble.”_ _

_ _“It’s no trouble,” Vicky assured him. “I could do with the company.”_ _

_ _“Well, if you’re sure?” Callum smiled. “I could cook dinner, if you like, to say thanks.”_ _

_ _“Ooh, yes, you could make your famous lasagne that Chris was always mentioning in his letters.”_ _

_ _“Deal,” Callum grinned. “There’s a supermarket by the tube station, I can get everything I need there.”_ _

_ _“Come on then,” Vicky smiled, as Callum got to his feet and they made their way out of the cafe together._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for Ben not being in this chapter but I felt it needed to focus solely on Callum (plus it ended up being so long there was no room left for Ben 😳). Ben will definitely be back for the next chapter though, which will most likely also be the last one.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies once again for the delay in updating. This was meant to be the final chapter but it turned out to be much longer than I planned so I've split it into three chapters to hopefully make it easier to digest. The next two should be up tonight or tomorrow.
> 
> Thank you for reading, liking and/or commenting, I truly appreciate it.

“Sign here, please.” 

The police officer slid a paper form and a pen across the desk. Ben signed his name and put the pen down with a flourish then held his hand out to take the small see through bag containing his belongings.

“Well, thank you for your hospitality,” he smiled sarcastically, eyeballing the police officer. “Make sure you check out my TripAdvisor review, won’t you?”

“Let’s just go, Ben,” Ritchie sighed wearily next to him. 

Ben fixed the police officer with one final withering look before following Ritchie towards the door. 

“What’s he doing here?” he asked Ritchie warily as he spotted Phil sitting in the waiting area. He chastised himself for daring to think, to hope, that maybe he was simply there to greet him, to show that he cared. _“I don’t care if he cares,”_Ben told himself as Phil got up and walked towards him.

“You alright?” Phil asked gruffly, placing his hand awkwardly on Ben’s shoulder.

“Not the first time I’ve been banged up, is it?” Ben shrugged. “Probably won’t be the last either. W...why are you here?” he asked tentatively.

“Let’s just get out of here, yeah?” Phil said in reply, striding out of the police station.

“So...how come you were waiting for me?” Ben asked as he, Phil and Ritchie got in the car and Phil drove away from the police station. 

“I wasn’t. I went to clear your name but turns out I didn’t need to.”

“I don’t understand,” Ben frowned. 

“I remembered what happened. It was the Slaters who attacked me.”

“The Slaters? Why?”

“Long story. Let’s just say they thought they could rip me off and get away with it. I should have realised it was them when Martin and Stacey disappeared overnight.”

“So how come you suddenly remembered?”

“I went to the Arches. It was Keanu’s idea, he said going back to where it happened might jog my memory. He was right, it all came back to me.”

“Good old Keanu,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. “I bet he was gutted it wasn’t me.”

“What is your problem with him? You should be thanking him. They only let you out cos that bloke turned up. If he hadn’t, you'd be relying on my memory to put you in the clear.”

“What bloke?” Ben asked, his head spinning with confusion.

“Your alibi,” Ritchie said. “Some guy called Callum Highway? He went to the police and told them he was with you when your dad was attacked.”

Ben’s heart skipped a beat at Ritchie’s revelation.

“Callum...” Ben’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Callum Highway?” Phil said with a frown. “That dopey geezer who works with Jay?” 

“Don’t talk about him like that,” Ben snapped. 

“Alright, calm down,” Phil said. “I just didn’t think he was, you know, on your team. I guess that explains why Whitney’s hen night got cancelled.”

“What?!” Ben asked, his brain struggling to process what he was hearing. 

“Yeah, Sharon wasn’t impressed. She’d ordered a load of extra booze in then she gets a phone call from Sonia to say the whole thing’s cancelled. No explanation or nothing. Still, at least now we know why.”

“Dad, you can’t tell anyone,” Ben pleaded. “About Callum, I mean.”

“You don’t want people knowing you’re a home wrecker?” Phil said coldly.

“Excuse me?” Ben exclaimed indignantly. “Remind me again how you and Sharon first got together all them years ago. Or maybe I should ask uncle Grant next time I see him?”

“This ain’t about me and Sharon.”

“No, you’re right, but it not about me either. It’s about Callum. You can’t out him, Dad. Please, if you never do anything else for me, just do this one thing and keep it to yourself.”

“Okay,” Phil said with a shrug. “To be fair, the geezer's done me a favour. I can deal with the Slaters myself now and not get the old bill involved.”

“Thank you,” Ben said quietly. He stared out of the window, trying to make sense of what had happened. He wondered if the hunger pangs and lack of sleep were causing him to hallucinate. The last time he’d seen Callum, he’d been adamant that he was going to marry Whitney despite everything. Had Callum really seen sense and had a change of heart?

Ben reached for the bag containing his belongings and pulled out his phone. The screen was black and unresponsive. Ben let out a grunt of annoyance. 

“Dad, I need to charge my phone.”

“Help yourself,” Phil shrugged. 

Ben leaned forward and plugged in his phone, staring at it impatiently as it slowly flickered back to life. As soon as he saw he had a signal he brought up Callum’s number but stopped himself just before he pressed call. He couldn’t exactly have a conversation with Callum while sitting in the car with his dad and Ritchie. Instead he checked his notifications and saw he had four voicemails from Callum. He pressed the phone close to his ear and listened to the first one. 

_“Ben...it’s me...um...Callum. I was just wondering if they’d let you out yet. Call me, let me know you’re okay, yeah?”_

Ben smiled at the concern in Callum’s voice and moved on to the next voicemail, sent just over an hour after the previous one.  
_  
“Ben, it’s me again. Where are you? I’m worried about you. I know you lied to the police for me and I hope I haven’t made things worse for you but I had to tell the truth. I told Whitney everything as well. We've split up...Anyway, call me when you get this.”_

The sound of Callum stifling a sob made Ben’s heart ache but he couldn’t help a flutter of nervous excitement in his stomach. Ben rubbed his eyes and gave a small shake of his head, as if to reassure himself that he wasn’t dreaming. Just to be sure, he played the message again, letting out a sigh when it ended. He stared impatiently out of the car window, wishing the traffic would just disappear so he could get out of the car and speak to Callum. He pressed the phone closer to his ear as he listened to the third voicemail.

_  
“Ben...where are you?”_ Callum’s speech was now slurred and teary. _“I really need to talk to you. I don’t know if you got my last message but I broke up with Whit. I dunno if you care but I just wanted you to know. And I know it’s all my fault you got arrested and I just want to say I'm sorry and...thank you. Call me back. Please.”_

The pain and anxiety in Callum’s voice chilled Ben to the bone. His arms ached to hold Callum, to comfort him and reassure him that everything would be okay. He was about to listen to the final voicemail when he realised the car had pulled into the square and Phil was parking up outside the Mitchell house.

“I'll put my invoice in the post,” Ritchie said as they all got out of the car. 

“That’s fine. He’s paying,” Phil said, gesturing towards Ben. 

“Yeah, thanks Ritchie,” Ben said distractedly as Ritchie got into her car. “See you later, Dad,” he added, starting to walk off towards the funeral parlour.

“Hold on, where do think you’re going?” Phil asked as he opened the car boot and took out a baseball bat. 

“I’ve got stuff to do,” Ben replied.

“Well, it can wait. We're going to see the Slaters, get some answers.”

“’We'?" Ben glanced at the baseball bat. "Nah, I’m not getting involved.”

“What do you mean you're not getting involved? You _are_ involved. They attacked me and let my son get nicked for it. You don’t think I'm letting them get away with it, do you?”

“You can do what you want. I’ve got more important things to do right now.”

“Oh yeah?” Phil scoffed. “Like what?”

“I need to see Callum.” 

“Oh, so getting your leg over is more important than family, is it?” 

“It’s not like that,” Ben snapped irritably. “Callum needs me. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Too right I don’t understand!” Phil exclaimed angrily. “You’re always complaining about what a terrible dad I am but when I do something to help you, you just throw it back in my face. I was prepared to give a statement to the police to get you out and this is all the thanks I get?”

“Oh, you want me to thank you?” Ben asked sarcastically. “Well, thank you, Dad, for doing what any normal parent would do, not letting their son do time for a crime he didn’t commit. What do you want? A little “Number 1 Dad" badge? One of those “Best Dad in the World" mugs?”

“No, I just...”

“So, you went to the old bill for me?” Ben ignored Phil and carried on ranting. “Well, so did Callum and he had a hell of a lot more to lose than you. So yeah, right now I’m more concerned about him than you or the Slaters. If you need someone to hold your hand while you threaten a house full of women and children, why don’t you take Keanu? You’re training him up to be a proper Mitchell, aren’t you? It’ll be good practice for him.”

“Grow up, Ben,” Phil snapped impatiently.

“That’s just it,” Ben replied defiantly. “I have grown up, Dad. I just haven’t grown up to be the son you want. But then you've never been the dad I would’ve wanted either, so I guess that makes us quits.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You sound like you’re disowning me?”

“No, I’m not. I can’t change the fact that you’re my dad but there’s more to life than being a Mitchell. I’ve got other priorities right now. I’ll see you later.”

Ben turned on his heels and walked off, leaving Phil dumbstruck. As he approached the funeral parlour he remembered he hadn’t listened to the last voicemail Callum had sent him. He got out his phone and held it up to his ear.

_“Ben...I’m going out of my mind here._ Callum’s voice sounded broken, his words slurred by drink. _“I know you said not to come crying to you but...I...I’ve lost everything, Ben. I don’t know what to do...I know it’s not your problem, you’ve moved on and I don’t blame you but...”_

The sound of Callum breaking down in tears filled Ben’s head. A sharp stab of pain pierced his heart and spread through his entire being as he listened to Callum’s weeping for a minute or so until the voicemail ended abruptly. Ben stared at his phone for a moment then held his head in his hands. Callum had come out because of him and he hadn’t been there to support him, to comfort him, to tell him how proud he was of him. Ben bit his lip to push back his tears then stood up determinedly and broke into a run towards the funeral parlour.

Ben pressed the buzzer to Callum’s flat repeatedly but there was no answer so he rushed into the funeral parlour, throwing the doors loudly open, causing Jay to look up startled from his paperwork.

“What the...? Ben!” 

Jay rushed towards Ben and hugged him tightly, while Ben looked over his shoulder, scanning the room in vain for Callum.

“It’s good to see you, bruv,” Jay said as he pulled away from the hug. “They finally let you out then?”

“Nah,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. “Ben’s still banged up, I’m his evil twin.”

“You are definitely the real Ben Mitchell,” Jay said with a smile. “You alright?” he added with concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just need to...”

Ben was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. He and Jay turned towards it to see an agitated Stuart entering the parlour.

“Have you seen Callum?” he asked, a clear note of urgency in his voice.

“Not since Saturday morning,” Jay replied. 

“He’s not here?” Ben frowned. 

“No, he’s on annual leave. He booked this week off to prepare for the wedding and next week for the honeymoon.” 

An uncomfortable silence fell over the three men. Ben was unsure how much the other two knew about the wedding being called off. He gazed thoughtfully around the room as Jay turned to Stuart.

“Actually, I could do with him coming in to work now he doesn’t need the time off. So if you see him before I do...”

“That’s just it,” Stuart said impatiently. “I haven’t seen or heard from him since Saturday night. I came round last night but the lights weren’t on and he’s not answering his phone. I’m really worried about him, Jay. We need to check the flat.”

“What? You don’t think he'd...y'know...do something stupid?” Jay asked warily.

Ben felt a chill down his spine, the sound of Callum’s heart-wrenching tears on the voicemail echoing in his head.

“Nah, of course not,” Stuart said with a nervous laugh. “But it won’t do any harm to check, will it?”

“Come on then,” Jay sighed, taking a set of keys from the drawer. 

“Callum?! You in, mate?!” Jay called out as he walked quickly up the stairs followed by Stuart and Ben.

“Well, he ain’t in here,” Jay said after the three men had checked every room in the flat. 

“So where is he?” Stuart asked anxiously, with a sideways look at Ben. 

“He’s probably just off drowning his sorrows somewhere,” Jay said reassuringly. “I mean, his fiancee dumped him a week before the wedding, if that’s not a reason for going on a bender, I don’t know what is.”

Ben bit his lip to supress his natural instinct to make a wisecrack at Jay’s choice of word. He turned to look out of the window. 

“Whitney’s not on her stall,” he remarked pensively.

“Sonia said she’s gone to Milton Keynes,” Stuart said. 

“Well, maybe that’s where Callum’s gone, to try to win her back,” Jay said.

“Yeah, good point,” Stuart said. “I mean, Callum would be mad to let a girl like Whitney go without a fight.”

Ben’s heart sank as he stared out of the window but he quickly dismissed the thought. Surely there was no way back into the closet now for Callum. But where was he then? Jay’s voice shook him out of his thoughts.

“Well, I don’t know about you two but I’ve got work to do, so...”

“Yeah, sorry, I'll get off,” Stuart said. “Let me know if you hear from him though, won’t you.”

“Yeah, of course,” Jay replied.

Ben hung back as Jay and Stuart made their way back downstairs. He got out his phone and let out a groan of frustration when he saw the battery had died again. Trust Phil to have a cheap, dodgy charger in his car. He ran down the stairs and into the parlour just as Stuart was walking out of the door.

“Jay, I need to borrow your phone.”

“What’s wrong with yours?”

“Battery's dead.”

Jay sighed and handed Ben his phone. Ben walked into the office and closed the door before scrolling through Jay’s contacts and dialling Callum’s number. 

“Pick up, pick up,” he muttered impatiently as the phone rang and rang before finally going to voicemail. Ben sighed as he waited for the tone before leaving a message.

“Callum? It’s me. Where are you? I just got out this morning. I got your messages but my phone’s dead. I’m gonna go home and charge it now so ring me back, yeah? I need to know you’re okay. And listen, what you did for me, going to the old bill...I owe you, big time. If there’s anything you need, anything at all I can do, just let me know. Oh and Callum... I'm so proud of you.”

Ben walked out of the office and handed Jay his phone back. 

“Cheers bruv,” he said with a smile.

“No probs,” Jay smiled back. “Do you fancy a pint in the Vic later, to celebrate you coming home?”

“Um...yeah, maybe. I'll call you.”

Ben rushed out of the funeral parlour before Jay had a chance to reply. As he crossed the road, he heard Stuart’s voice calling him and turned around wearily to face him.

“If you want to have another pop at me, make it quick, will ya?” Ben said, staring defiantly at Stuart. “I need to get home.”

“I don’t want any trouble,” Stuart said in a conciliatory tone.

“First time for everything, I guess.”

“Look, Ben,” Stuart sighed. “We both know why Callum broke it off with Whitney and we both know he’s not in Milton Keynes.”

“So...?” Ben asked cautiously.

“So, I reckon if he’s going to contact anyone, it's you. I just need to know he’s alright.”

Ben stared at Stuart, waiting for a threat or a punch, but none came and Ben realised he was being genuine. 

“He left me a few voicemails Saturday night. I just tried calling him but he’s not picking up.”

“Right,” Stuart sighed heavily. “Thanks. If you hear anything else, let me know. Please?”

“Yeah, sure,” Ben said quietly. “And you’ll do the same, if you hear from him?”

“Yeah, I will.”

The two men nodded awkwardly at each other, silently acknowledging their shared concern for Callum, before heading off in opposite directions.

Ben let himself in through the back door of the Beale house and immediately found himself being drawn into a tight hug by Kathy.

“Ben!” she exclaimed with relief, holding him close and kissing his cheek. “How are you? Did they treat you alright? I’ve been worried sick.”

“I’m fine, Mum,” Ben smiled reassuringly. “I just need to charge my phone.” 

“You youngsters and your phones,” Kathy said, rolling her eyes as Ben rooted around in the kitchen drawers searching for a charger. “We never had them in my day and we managed perfectly fine.”

“Yeah, I bet you managed without electricity and running water an’ all,” Ben said with a smirk as he found a charger and plugged his phone into it.

“Oi, don’t be so cheeky! I’m not that old,” Kathy laughed and gave Ben’s arm a playful slap. “Listen, why don’t you go upstairs and have a shower? I'll make you something to eat when you come down.”

“Thanks, Mum,” Ben smiled. “Let me know if my phone rings.” He gave Kathy a kiss on the cheek before heading up the stairs.

~

Callum sat on Vicky’s sofa and crossed off the last item on his list before putting his phone down. All those weeks of planning the wedding and it had taken just over an hour and a few phone calls to cancel everything. He felt a mixture of relief and sadness and a feeling that it still didn’t quite seem real. He stared at the missed call notifications from Stuart and felt a pang of guilt. He knew his brother would be worried but he just didn’t feel up to talking to him, or anyone connected with Walford and his life there. Apart from Ben, of course, but he'd accepted now that he wasn’t going to hear from him.  
Callum sent Stuart a quick text reassuring him he was fine and he just needed to get away for a few days. His finger hovered over his phone as he toyed with the thought of listening to the voicemail from Jay but he decided against it. He probably wanted him to come in to work now he didn’t need time off for the wedding. Then again, Jay was his friend as well as his boss, maybe he was just concerned about him. Either way, it was another reminder of everything he’d left behind in Walford, of everything he wanted to forget. He shoved his phone in his pocket, deciding he’d listen to Jay’s message later.  
Right now he felt the need for some fresh air to clear his head. He picked up the spare key that Vicky had given him before she’d left for work and let himself out of the flat.


	7. Chapter 7

Ben awoke with a start and rubbed his eyes in confusion. It took him a moment to realise he was at home, lying on his own bed. He’d got out of the shower and got dressed then sat down on the bed when a wave of exhaustion had engulfed him, the lack of sleep and decent food at the police station finally catching up with him. He’d put his head down and closed his eyes for just one brief moment and had instantly fallen fast asleep. He checked his watch and realised he'd slept for almost two hours. He suddenly jumped up and raced down the stairs. 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” he demanded accusingly of Kathy.

“Because you needed to rest,” Kathy replied, looking up from the TV. “Anyway, now you’re up, I'll make you something to eat. What do you fancy?” 

Ben didn’t reply. He went straight to the kitchen to check his phone. He felt his heart racing as he saw he had a voicemail from Callum.  
“I told you to let me know if my phone rang,” he said angrily as Kathy entered the kitchen.

“I didn’t want to disturb you. Like I said, you needed to rest. Anyway, who are you so eager to hear from? Anyone nice?” she asked, smiling curiously at Ben.

“It’s private,” Ben snapped, walking past Kathy into the living room. He sat on the sofa and, with shaking hands, he unlocked his phone and held it to his ear.

_“Ben, it’s me. I just got your message. Sorry I didn’t answer, I thought it was Jay. I thought you didn’t...anyway, I'm so glad they let you out. Why did they keep you so long? I thought...I didn’t know if...sorry, I’m rambling...Anyway, I’m staying at a friend’s for a few days. I just need to get away from Walford, get my head straight...sorry, wrong word...” _Ben smiled to himself as Callum let out a self-deprecating chuckle. _ “Anyway, you said if there’s anything you can do...I mean, you don’t owe me anything but I need some clean clothes...I was wondering if you could go to the flat and pack a bag for me and bring it over? I'm at the Cutty Sark in Greenwich. You don’t have to, of course, but you'd really be helping me out. Call me back when you can, yeah?”_

“Ben, what do you want to eat?” Kathy called from the kitchen. Hearing no reply, she looked through the doorway to see the living room was empty. “Ben?!” she shouted as she heard the front door closing.

Ben called Callum’s number as soon as he was out of the door. It barely rang once before Callum answered.

“Ben?! You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. You?”

“Yeah, I’m fine but my phone’s about to die.”

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna go and get your stuff now. I'll be as quick as I can, so stay where you are. The Cutty Sark in Greenwich, right?”

“Yeah, it’s...”

“I'll find it,” Ben said quickly. “I'll see you soon.” 

“Thanks, Ben. I...”

The line suddenly went dead as the final strands of battery life drained from Callum’s phone. Ben immediately dialled Jay’s number as he briskly walked towards the Vic.

“Jay? That drink you mentioned earlier...how about now, in the Vic? Great...see you in a minute.”

Ben ordered two bottles of beer and stood at the bar impatiently waiting for Jay. As soon as he walked in, Ben pulled him into a hug, surreptitiously sliding his hand into the pocket of Jay’s jacket. Instead of the keys he was searching for, Ben’s hand made contact with Jay’s wallet. He immediately pulled his hand away but not before Jay noticed what he was doing.

“Oi! You trying to nick my wallet?”

“Nah, course not,” Ben said with a nervous laugh.

“Well why did you have your hand in my pocket then?”

“I wasn’t...I...um....” Ben floundered awkwardly.

“What’s wrong, mate? You short of cash or something? You only have to ask if you are, you don’t need to steal from me.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” Ben assured Jay. “I just...” Ben quickly glanced around the pub and lowered his voice. “I need the keys to Callum’s flat.”

“What?! No chance!” Jay said firmly. 

“Please, Jay. It’s important.”

“No way,” Jay insisted. “The poor bloke’s going through a tough enough time as it is. The last thing he needs is to come home and find you using his flat as a shag pad.”

Ben sighed and shook his head.

“That’s not what I need the keys for,” he said. 

“Well, whatever, you’re not getting them and that’s final.”

Jay took a sip of his drink before Ben pulled him over towards a table. Once they’d sat down, Ben leaned in towards Jay who was frowning at him in confusion.

“Look, Jay, if I tell you why I need those keys you've got to swear to me you won’t tell anyone.”

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on, bruv?”

“You swear you won’t breathe a word?” 

“This is me you’re talking to, Ben,” Jay said, raising his eyebrow.

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. The thing is, me and Callum...we're kinda, y'know...” Ben faltered. He wasn’t sure what he and Callum were to each other at this point, let alone how to describe it to Jay.

“You and Callum?!” Jay snorted with disbelief. “Yeah, right. Pull the other one.”

“I’m serious, Jay. He’s the guy I was with when my dad was attacked.”

The look in Ben’s eyes was enough for Jay to know he was telling the truth. Suddenly everything fell into place: Callum’s reaction when he’d heard of Ben’s arrest, his obvious lack of enthusiasm about the wedding and the stag do, his moodiness that morning in the cafe when Ben had introduced them both to Josh, which Jay now realised had been jealousy on Callum’s part. He also recalled Ben’s weird behaviour around Callum at times over the last few months.

“Okay, I believe you,” Jay said finally, taking a sip of his beer. “How long has it been going on?”

“A few months, on and off. More off than on, to be honest,” Ben said with a sigh.

“So he’s been carrying on with you behind Whitney’s back? And there was me feeling sorry for him.”

“And there was me thinking you might understand and not be all judgemental about it,” Ben retorted, an angry edge to his voice. “I thought you and Callum were mates? He never wanted to hurt Whitney, neither of us did. You have no idea what it’s like to hate yourself, to spend every minute of every day fighting against yourself. He’s been through hell, just like I did when I was with Abi. You were there for me through all that, can you not do the same for Callum?”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry.” Jay held up his hands, looking suitably chastised. “So where is Callum? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine...I think. He just needs some space to sort his head out. I said I'd get him some clean clothes and stuff, that’s why I need the keys to his flat.” 

“Come on then,” Jay said, downing his beer as he got to his feet. 

“Cheers, bruv,” Ben smiled, taking a sip from his barely touched beer before following Jay out of the pub.

“He is coming back, ain’t he?” Jay asked as Ben rooted through the drawers and wardrobe, throwing Callum’s clothes into a holdall. 

“I dunno...I think so. We haven’t really had a chance to talk.” 

“But if he’s not...does that mean you’re not coming back either?”

“Of course I’m coming back. I’m just going to drop his stuff off.” 

“Oh, I just assumed...” Jay said awkwardly. “So it’s not serious between you two then?”

“I dunno, Jay. I mean, I really like him and I think he likes me too but...”

“You think?!” Jay interrupted, his eyes widening. “Ben, you should have seen him when he found out you'd been arrested. I've never seen him move so fast. And that time in the caff, when you were with Josh the accountant, he was dead jealous. I mean, I didn’t realise it at the time but looking back now, it’s obvious.”

Ben sighed heavily and sat down on the bed. Just a few hours ago he’d been sitting in a police cell and assuming Callum had been recovering from his stag do hangover. He still couldn’t quite believe that Callum had come out and ended things with Whitney. He didn’t dare allow himself to imagine what it might mean for him and Callum.

“I'm still trying to get my head around it all. Imagine what it must be like for him,” Ben said quietly. “We didn’t exactly part on good terms the last time I saw him. He was so set on marrying Whitney, despite everything that happened between us. What if he blames me for ruining that for him? What if he...?”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out, ain’t there?” Jay said bluntly. “Have you got everything?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Right, well go and get your man, then!” Jay slapped Ben encouragingly on the back then pulled him into a hug. 

“Thanks, bruv,” Ben said, his voice full of emotion.

“No worries. Let me know what happens, yeah?”

“Sure. Oh, and Jay, do me a favour and let Stuart know Callum’s okay.”

“I will,” Jay nodded. “Now go!” 

Ben smiled at Jay then picked up the holdall with Callum’s stuff and made his way out of the funeral parlour towards the Beale house. He placed the holdall in the boot of his car and was about to get in the driver’s seat when he hesitated for a moment. He ignored the voice inside his head warning him not to tempt fate and rushed inside the house. 

“Ben! Where did you disappear to earlier?” Kathy asked as Ben entered the kitchen.

“Sorry. Something I had to do,” Ben replied as he walked through to the living room and up the stairs. 

“Do you want something to eat now?” Kathy called up the stairs after him. 

“Just a sandwich would be great, thanks Mum,” Ben called back. 

Ben reappeared in the kitchen a few minutes later carrying a holdall full of his own clothes. 

“Chicken salad okay for you?” Kathy asked, holding out a plate with a sandwich on it.

“Perfect,” Ben said, picking the sandwich up off the plate and taking a large bite from it. “Thanks, Mum. I'll see you later.”

“What? Where are you going now?!” Kathy asked, throwing her hands up in the air with exasperation.

“I haven’t got time to explain,” Ben said. “I'll see you soon, okay?” 

Ben kissed Kathy’s cheek and let himself out of the door, taking another bite of his sandwich as he went, leaving Kathy staring open mouthed at the door as it closed behind her son. 

~

Ben drummed his fingers impatiently on the table and took another sip of his pint. He’d told Callum to stay where he was but when he’d got to the Cutty Sark pub twenty minutes ago, there'd been no sign of him. He’d tried phoning him but every call had gone to voicemail. Ben reminded himself that Callum’s battery had died during their earlier conversation, but it wasn’t enough to quell the doubts that nagged at him. He’d driven to Greenwich in a daze of anticipation, his stomach full of butterflies, his head full of visions of Callum, of hope that this was to be the start of something for them both. Now all he felt in the pit of his stomach was a leaden weight of dread as he pictured himself alone on the long drive back to Walford.  
He got up abruptly and took his pint outside, on the off chance he might not have spotted Callum amongst the throng of punters enjoying an afternoon drink in the sunshine by the river. He scanned the faces around him but Callum was nowhere to be seen. Ben downed the remains of his pint and pondered his next move. It took him a moment to realise that a female member of the bar staff was speaking to him.

“You finished with that?” the young woman asked.

“Um...yeah, thanks,” Ben said absent-mindedly, handing her his empty pint glass. The woman smiled at him and placed the glass on the tray she was carrying. She was about to walk away when Ben stopped her.

“Hold on...was there a bloke in here earlier? Mid-twenties, tall, dark hair, blue eyes? Proper good-looking?”

“Well, it’s pretty busy today but he sounds like the sort of guy I'd remember if I had seen him,” she said with a laugh. 

“Okay, never mind. Thanks anyway,” Ben said dejectedly.

“Been stood up?” the young woman asked sympathetically.

“No, of course not,” Ben replied indignantly. “Just wondering if it was worth hanging round here, that’s all.” 

“Fair enough,” the woman said nonchalantly. She turned to walk off when a thought occurred to Ben.

“Wait,” he called out. “Is there another pub round here called the Cutty Sark?”

“Not that I know of,” the young woman replied. “I mean, there’s a cafe in the boat but...”

“The boat?” Ben asked with a frown.

“Boat, ship, sea vessel...I think it's actually called a tea clipper.”

“Sorry, what are you talking about?”

“The Cutty Sark. Over there.”  
The woman pointed towards the skyline on her left, where Ben could just make out the masts and rigging of a ship, poking through the trees in the distance.

“That’s called the Cutty Sark?” 

“Yeah,” the young woman said, as if amazed Ben didn’t know this fact.

“Thank you,” Ben smiled at her before breaking into a run.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's taken me four months to write this story but I've finally finished it! 
> 
> Thank you for your patience if you've stuck with it this far and thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read, like and/or comment along the way ❤

Ben ran along the narrow pathway by the river, cursing silently as he weaved through the groups of tourists and young families in his way, until he finally found himself staring up at the huge ship, sitting majestically atop its shiny, glass base. _“Welcome to Cutty Sark"_ the sign by the entrance read. Ben stared up at it and shook his head as his heartbeat slowed down and his breathing returned to normal after his frantic dash to get there. Why would Callum arrange to meet him by a museum ship? It made no sense but then again, Ben thought wryly to himself, his whole day so far had consisted of trying to make sense of what was happening. He still wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t dreaming, that he wouldn’t wake up at any moment and find himself back in the cell at the police station. Everything felt so surreal, it took him a moment to recognise the familiar voice coming from behind him.

“You took your time.”

Ben froze for a second, certain that this was the moment he was going to wake up, but his quickening heartbeat and the fluttering in his stomach told him this was no dream. He spun around and came face to face with Callum, his eyebrow raised slightly in amusement, smiling shyly but warmly at him. Ben’s mouth broke into a huge smile of joy and relief as he stepped forward and threw his arms around Callum, burying his head against his shoulder as Callum’s arms enveloped him in a tight hug. They clung to each other, Callum’s hand in Ben’s hair, Ben’s fingers gripping Callum’s shoulder, anchoring each other, both seeking reassurance that the other was really there. At last Callum pulled his head back to look at Ben.

“Are you okay?” they both asked each other in unison. 

“Yeah, I’m good.”  
“I’m fine, you?”

They laughed nervously as their replies also came at the same time, their words jumbled together as they talked over each other.

“You first,” Ben smiled. 

“I’m fine,” Callum said quietly. “I mean, my head's still all over the place but yeah, I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said softly, lowering his head.

“What for?” Callum frowned.

“For everything. I know you weren’t ready to come out and if I hadn’t got arrested you wouldn’t have had to...”

“No, Ben, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” Callum lifted Ben’s chin to force him to look at him. 

“I should have done it ages ago. Maybe if I had, you wouldn’t have got arrested in the first place.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ben shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now anyway. But it means the world to me, what you did. I’m so proud of you.”

Callum blushed and looked away, a contented smile spreading across his face.

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t going to leave you sitting in a police cell after you told me you had a thing for coppers' uniforms,” Callum said jokingly, beaming with delight as Ben laughed out loud.

“Oh yeah? I thought you weren’t the jealous type?” Ben teased. 

Callum’s face fell as he remembered that, although Ben was here with him now, he wasn’t _with_ him, he had someone else waiting for him back in Walford. 

“Did you...did you get my stuff?” Callum asked, his voice suddenly subdued.

“Yeah, it’s in the car. Why? Do you need to go?” Ben asked, a hint of anxiety in his voice.

“No, I’m in no rush,” Callum quickly assured him. “But don’t you need to get back to...y'know, your bloke, the accountant guy?”

Ben let out a snort of laughter.

“Oh, he’s long gone,” he said with a shrug.

“Oh...” Callum couldn’t suppress a smile of relief. “I mean, I’m sorry,” he added quickly.

“Don’t be. I wasn’t that into him anyway.”

“So what happened?”

“He dumped me.”

“He dumped _you_?” Callum stared at Ben in disbelief.

“I know, unbelievable, innit? I had a bit too much to drink, told him stuff about Paul, about my dad...He said I had too much baggage. Can you believe that?!” Ben asked with mock outrage.

“Well, it’s his loss,” Callum said, not even trying to hide the grin on his face until a thought occurred to him. “Hold on, when did this happen?”

“Last week. Why?”

“But when you came round to mine on Friday, you said you were still with him?”

“No, you assumed I was. I just didn’t correct you.”

“Why would you do that?” The wounded tone in Callum’s voice didn’t go unnoticed by Ben.

“No one likes to admit they’ve been dumped, do they? And I was hoping you might be jealous.”

“Of course I was jealous! I hated seeing you with him.”

“I’m sorry. I know it was childish.” Ben’s words were genuine, he felt truly ashamed that he’d deliberately hurt Callum, but he couldn’t deny he got a kick out of knowing that Callum had been jealous.

“It’s okay,” Callum said, smiling softly at Ben. “None of it matters now.”

“Well,” Ben smiled back at Callum. “Now we’ve established neither of us is in a hurry to go anywhere, can we get something to eat? I’m starving.”

“Sure, there’s loads of restaurants just up the road.”

“So,” Ben asked as they walked the short distance to the town centre. “How come you’re here, of all places?”

“I dunno...I just got on the DLR and saw it stopped at the Cutty Sark. I remembered coming here on a school trip once. It felt like somewhere familiar, I suppose.”

“Fair enough,” Ben said, not really understanding Callum’s explanation but not really caring either. “But you could have told me you meant some old boat instead of the pub.”

“What pub?” 

“The Cutty Sark pub, where I sat for half an hour thinking you’d stood me up,” Ben replied, rolling his eyes.

“What? You mean I've been standing there wondering where you were, worried that you weren’t coming, and all the time you were sitting in a pub?”

“Yeah, the pub you said to meet you at.”

“I never said I was in a pub,” Callum pointed out.

“Well, you never said you were in a stupid boat either,” Ben batted back.

“I tried to, but you said you’d find it. And it’s not a stupid boat, it’s actually really interesting.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it is,” Ben said sarcastically. “But when I searched ‘Cutty Sark Greenwich’ and the top two results were a boat and a pub, I assumed, like a normal person would, that you meant the pub.”

“Are you saying I’m not normal?” Callum asked with feigned indignation.

“No, of course not, I'm just saying...”

Ben turned to look at Callum and they both burst out laughing at the absurdity of their conversation.

“Are we really bickering in the middle of the street about some boat from a thousand years ago?” Ben asked, his face still creasing up with laughter. 

“Apparently, yeah,” Callum laughed back.

“To be honest, it’s not even the weirdest thing that’s happened to me today,” Ben said with a roll of his eyes. 

“Why? What else has happened?”

“Well, your brother being civil to me, for a start.”

“You’ve spoken to Stuart?”

“Yeah, but can we talk about it over a hot Italian?” Ben said, noticing that they’d stopped outside an Italian restaurant. “If I don’t eat something soon, I swear I’m going to pass out.” 

“Hot Italian sounds good,” Callum nodded enthusiastically.

“Better than hot East End boy?” Ben pouted with a teasing wink at Callum.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Callum grinned as he followed Ben into the restaurant.

They spent an hour or so enjoying their meal whilst filling each other in on the events in each other’s lives over the past three days, before falling into a companionable silence; until Ben reached across the table with his fork.

“You not gonna finish that?” Ben asked, not waiting for a reply before reaching out and helping himself to a forkful of Callum’s pasta, having cleared his own plate several minutes ago.

“Yes I am, actually. Just like I was gonna finish my starter before you finished it for me. Stop nicking my food!” Callum scolded him playfully. 

“Sorry,” Ben said. “But this is the first proper meal I’ve had in ages.”

“I still can’t believe they kept you in so long,” Callum said. “Even after I told them everything.”

“Yeah, well, having a Mitchell in custody, it’s like a trophy arrest for the old bill. They weren’t gonna let me go until they absolutely had to, regardless of the evidence. To be fair, I’ve got away with plenty of stuff I probably should have been banged up for, so I guess I'll put it down to karma catching up with me.” Ben shrugged and took another mouthful of Callum’s pasta.

“Yeah but still...it ain’t right. They didn’t have any evidence to arrest you in the first place.”

“Well, it’s over now,” Ben sighed. “No point going on about it. I just feel bad that you felt forced to come out because of me.” 

Callum reached across the table and took Ben’s hand in his own. 

“Don't feel bad. I'm glad it happened. I mean, I’m not glad you had to spend all that time in a cell, obviously, but it gave me the kick up the backside that I needed. And I know I should have said this sooner but thank you, for going through that, and everything else you've been through, just to protect me.”

“No big deal,” Ben said casually, a small, self-conscious smile on his lips. “I said I wouldn’t out you, didn’t I?” 

“Yeah, I know, but still...it is a big deal to me. I’m sorry for what I said, about you always putting yourself first. I was wrong. What you did, that was truly selfless and loyal.” 

“Well, I can be a nice guy, sometimes,” Ben smirked. “Just don’t tell anyone, alright?” 

“I thought we were done keeping secrets?” 

“Okay, you got me there,” Ben said, holding up his hands to admit defeat. “Seriously though, you are okay about it all? No regrets?”

“Well, I hate the fact that I hurt Whitney. But apart from that, no. No regrets.”

Callum squeezed Ben’s hand again to reassure him he meant it as they both smiled fondly at each other across the table.

They finished their meal, which Ben insisted on paying for seeing as he’d eaten his share of Callum’s food as well as his own, and wandered back out into the street. They walked side by side in contented silence, their hands brushing together occasionally but not quite touching. Ben longed to reach out and hold Callum’s hand but he held back, not wanting to push Callum too far, too soon. 

They found themselves walking down towards the river, leaning against the metal barrier and staring across the murky water of the Thames to the familiar buildings of Canary Wharf on the opposite side, the yellow spikes of the O2 pointing skywards to their right. Callum found it slightly surreal, yet oddly fitting, as if the world was upside down somehow and he was looking at it from a whole new perspective. 

“So,” Ben said hesitantly, breaking the silence. “Do you want me to drop you off at Vicky’s? The traffic will be a nightmare if we don’t leave soon.”

“Um...yeah, I guess,” Callum said reluctantly. He didn’t want to go back to Vicky’s, or anywhere, just yet, not without Ben. He sensed Ben looking at him and turned to face him. 

“What?” 

“Well," Ben started tentatively. "I don’t want to seem pushy or anything but I was wondering if maybe...you might want to go away somewhere for a few days...with me, I mean. Y'know, spend a bit of time together, just the two of us?”

Callum stared wide-eyed at Ben, the younger man’s ability to read Callum’s mind never ceased to amaze him.

“I mean, it’s fine if you don’t want to,” Ben continued rambling. “I understand if you need some space. You’ve had a lot to get your head round and...”

“Ben,” Callum silenced him, grinning from ear to ear. “That sounds perfect. I'd love to.”

“Yeah?” Ben grinned back at Callum.

“Yeah, definitely. Where do you want to go?”

“I dunno...somewhere hot and sunny?”

“Did you bring our passports?”

“Oh...” Ben’s face fell and he looked at Callum with an apologetic grimace. “Sorry, I didn’t think. Might have to be Margate rather than Marbella, then. Or Clacton? Southend? Or there’s Brighton of course, if you think you can handle it.”

“I don’t mind, really. You choose.”

“No, you choose. It is your coming out-moon after all.”

“My what?”

“Your coming out-moon. You know, like a honeymoon but for newly out gays?”

“I didn’t know that was a thing?”

“It is now that I’ve just made it up. Might be a business idea in it, actually,” he added pensively. “So, anyway, where do you want to go?”

“Honestly, Ben, I don’t care. I just want to be with you.”

Callum cupped Ben’s face with his hand, slowly drawing him close before leaning in to place a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. 

“Okay,” said Ben when they pulled apart. “How about we find a hotel round here for tonight and decide in the morning?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Callum nodded and smiled in agreement. 

Ben got out his phone and booked a room at a nearby budget hotel. The two of them then made their way to Ben’s car, where Callum charged his phone and called Vicky as Ben drove to the hotel. Ben grinned at Callum as he heard Vicky let out a shriek of delight over the phone when Callum filled her in on the day’s events. 

“She’s happy for you, I take it?” he asked when Callum had hung up.

“Yeah,” Callum smiled. “She wants to meet you. I said we'd drop by with her key at some point.”

“Sure,” Ben said, as they pulled into the hotel car park.

“Not exactly the Ritz, is it?” Ben said as they walked into the small room and dropped their bags on the floor. The double bed took up practically the whole room, with a bedside table on either side, the hotel telephone sitting atop the table on the right. A small armchair, narrow wardrobe and desk surface with tea and coffee making facilities occupied the remaining space, with a TV mounted on the wall opposite the bed. 

“Still, it beats Walford nick, I guess.”

“It’s fine,” Callum said, sitting down on the bed and kicking off his shoes. “We've got a bed and a bathroom. What more do we need?”

Callum held out his hand to Ben and pulled him down on to the bed next to him. 

“Nothing,” Ben murmured softly as his lips sought Callum’s in a tentative kiss. Ben reined in his desire to deepen the kiss, acutely aware that Callum, despite the apparent ease with which he was handling his coming out, was still likely to be vulnerable and emotionally raw. Ben's reticence instantly disappeared as he felt Callum’s tongue sliding inside his mouth and he found himself being pushed down onto the bed with Callum’s hands cupping his face before sliding down over his chest and under his t-shirt. Ben moaned loudly as the touch of Callum’s fingers ignited his skin.

“I’ve missed you...so much,” Ben whispered breathlessly. Ben knew he sounded needy but he didn’t care. The truth was he had missed Callum every time his body had been touched by anyone else since that night in the park all those months ago. 

“I know,” Callum murmured, gazing down at Ben as his fingers stroked his skin. “I missed you too.”

Ben closed his eyes and pulled Callum’s head down to kiss him, his mouth open and inviting. Callum kissed him greedily, his tongue twisting around Ben’s, their lips pressed hard together. They pulled at each other’s clothes, clawing and biting at each other’s skin, frenzied and desperate for each other, the need for each other so intense it was almost painful. Their bodies moved instinctively together, carrying them on an ever increasing tidal wave of passion to a soaring crescendo, moaning and calling each other’s name as they collapsed shaking against each other. 

~

Callum awoke the following morning to a heavy ache in his upper arm, caused by Ben’s sleeping head pinning his arm to the pillow. Callum disentangled himself as gently as he could so as not to wake Ben and lay there looking down at him as he slept. He looked beautiful but so young, Callum thought, so vulnerable and fragile, such a contrast to the vibrant, confident, passionate man he was when he was awake. Callum couldn’t help himself reaching out to stroke Ben’s face with the back of his hand, tracing the outline of his stubble down to his chin. Ben’s eyelids suddenly fluttered open and he squinted sleepily at Callum.

“Morning, gorgeous,” Callum whispered.

“Morning,” Ben mumbled drowsily in reply, smiling up at Callum.

“Did you sleep alright?”

“Yeah...eventually,” Ben said with a knowing smile.

Callum felt himself blush but he couldn’t hold back a satisfied grin at the memories of the night before. He bent his head to give Ben a lingering kiss before pulling back the covers and getting out of bed.

“Oi! Where are you going?” Ben protested.

“Bathroom,” Callum replied. “Stick the kettle on, will ya?”

Ben groaned as he stretched out lazily in the bed but he did as Callum had asked and got up to put the kettle on. When Callum emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, he was greeted by the sight of Ben’s naked body from behind, as he fiddled with the coffee and sugar sachets on the desk. Callum stood mesmerised for a few moments, taking in the vision in front of him, before walking over and sliding his arms around Ben’s waist, hugging him from behind and nuzzling his face into his neck. 

“Mmm" Ben purred, the heat of Callum’s naked body against him and the cool sensation of toothpaste from Callum’s breath on his neck sending a shiver down his spine. 

“Careful, babe,” Ben said, reluctantly pulling away from Callum’s embrace. “I’m dealing with boiling hot water here. Don’t want any nasty accidents putting me out of action.”

“No, we definitely don’t want that,” Callum said quickly, stepping back to let Ben carry on making their coffee. He leaned sideways against the desk and noticed that Ben was wearing his glasses. 

“Look at me,” Callum said, lightly touching Ben’s arm.

“What?” Ben put down the kettle and turned to face Callum.

“Wow...” Callum took a sharp intake of breath at the sight.

“What?” Ben repeated, having forgotten both that he was wearing his glasses and that Callum had never seen him in them before.

“Your glasses...they really suit you. You look amazing.”

“Well, there’s definitely nothing wrong with _your_ eyesight, is there?” Ben smiled flirtatiously. “Unless you’re just saying that to get me into bed.”

“I’m not,” Callum said truthfully, lying down on the bed. “But seeing as you mentioned it...”

Callum grabbed Ben’s arm and pulled him down on top of him, wrapping his legs around his waist to press their bodies together as their mouths melted into a deep, slow kiss. Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door and the two men sprang apart.

“Who's that?” Callum asked, his eyes wide with panic.

“How should I know?” Ben said, rolling his eyes.

A second, louder knock was followed by a female voice calling out “housekeeping!”

“Ssh,” Ben whispered to Callum. “Ignore it, she’ll go away.” 

Ben and Callum lay still, holding their breath, as there was a further knock and call of “housekeeping” followed by the sound of retreating footsteps and then silence. They waited another minute or so before allowing themselves to relax.

“Told you she’d go away,” Ben said smugly. “Now, where were we?” He leaned in to kiss Callum, pushing him down on to the bed, when the sound of a key in the door cut through the silence in the room. Ben and Callum looked up to see the door fly open and a woman in her forties, dressed in a uniform with the hotel logo, standing in the doorway.

“Oh my god!” the woman exclaimed, raising her hand to her face. “I’m so sorry!”

Ben looked at the woman then back at Callum before bursting into a fit of laughter.

“Ben!” Callum scolded him, his face crimson as he scrambled to pull the covers up over them.

“I am sorry,” the housekeeper repeated. “I did knock but there was no answer.”

“Yeah, we were busy,” Ben said coolly. 

“Ben!” Callum hissed, burying his face in the pillow. 

“If you could just give us half an hour or so, then we’ll be on our way,” Ben said politely. 

The woman pulled her hand away from her face but averted her gaze from the bed.

“The thing is,” she said awkwardly, “check out was twenty minutes ago. If you’re not out in ten minutes, you’ll be charged for tonight. Reception tried calling but they couldn’t get through.”

Ben followed the housekeeper’s gaze to the floor, where the hotel phone lay on the carpet, having been knocked off the bedside table at some point during the night. 

“Sorry about that,” Ben said. “We didn’t realise the time. Ten minutes though...we're gonna need a bit longer than that. Might as well stay another night if we’re getting charged for it. What do you reckon, babe?” 

“Whatever,” Callum’s mortified, muffled voice came from the pillow. 

“Okay, I'll let reception know,” the housekeeper smiled. “I'll leave some fresh towels here for you,” she added, placing them on the chair. 

“Thank you,” Ben said. “And sorry about...um....”

“It’s fine,” the woman said casually. “But you might want to put the ‘do not disturb' sign on the door in future.” 

“We will. Thank you,” Ben said as the housekeeper left the room, closing the door behind her. 

“Has she gone?” Callum asked, gingerly lifting his head off the pillow. 

“Yeah,” Ben replied as he burst into laughter.

“It’s not funny! I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!” Callum said, shaking his head.

“Chill out, babe,” Ben said, eyeing Callum through his glasses. “I don’t think she saw much anyway but if she did, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Callum rolled his eyes as he tried but failed to supress a grin. 

“Still true though,” Ben said, licking his lips as he rolled on top of Callum and bent his head to kiss him.

~

They ended up staying in Greenwich for a further two nights, partly because they couldn’t decide on where else to go and partly because, as Callum pointed out, it made no sense to drive for hours just to spend most of their time in another hotel bed elsewhere in the country. Ben had to agree that there were far better ways to pass the time than sitting in the car on a motorway full of traffic. 

The small hotel room became their sanctuary, their love nest, proving Callum’s words to be true, that all they needed was right there. Callum had never felt so free, so relaxed and at peace with himself as he did when his body was entwined with Ben’s within the four walls of that small room. Ben, for his part, found that his entire being felt lighter somehow, as if the heavy armour he covered his emotions with no longer weighed him down as it had before. He started to believe that maybe his capacity to open his heart hadn’t died along with Paul as he had thought. 

On the occasions when they left the hotel room, Ben and Callum spent their time strolling around Greenwich. They enjoyed cosy meals in the various restaurants and cafes in the small town, wandered around the vintage and curiosity shops and market stalls and took in a film at the local cinema, sitting at the back feeding each other popcorn and kissing like a pair of teenagers. On one particularly warm and sunny day they’d explored the huge, sprawling park, with its views over London from the top of the hill. Callum was fascinated by the Meridian line, despite Ben’s bored assertion that it was just a white line on the ground, and he stepped back and forth over it a couple of times as Ben looked on, rolling his eyes with bemused indulgence. They wandered off towards the deer park and the duck pond, weaving their way around the picnicking families and hordes of children running around excitedly, sending the squirrels scrambling for the safety of their trees. 

“Lexi would love it here,” Ben smiled as they swerved yet another child racing to feed the ducks.

“We should bring her sometime for a day out,” Callum said enthusiastically. “We could bring a picnic and there’s a huge playground at the bottom of the hill. I reckon she’d love it.”

“I reckon she would,” Ben agreed. “And so would I,” he added softly, smiling at Callum who leaned forward for a gentle kiss before linking his fingers with Ben’s as they continued their stroll hand in hand.

~

The morning after their fourth night in Greenwich, which also happened to be the eve of what would have been Callum and Whitney’s wedding day, Ben and Callum were having breakfast in a cafe near the hotel when Callum’s phone rang. 

“It’s Whitney,” Callum said to Ben as he stared at the screen. 

“Just going to use the toilet.” Ben got up from his seat to allow Callum privacy to take the call.

“You don’t have to leave...” Callum said. He didn’t want Ben to think he was keeping any secrets from him.

“It’s fine,” Ben smiled, making his way to the toilets as Callum answered his phone.

When Ben returned a few minutes later, Callum was staring thoughtfully into space. 

“Everything alright? How's Whitney?” Ben asked with genuine concern.

“Well, I’m not exactly top of her Christmas card list but I think she gets it, she understands. We didn’t really talk much. She’s decided to go on our honeymoon with Bianca, she just wanted the password to change the name on the booking.”

“Oh, so Whitney’s jetting off to the sun and sea and we've got no further than the other side of the river. Alright for some, innit?” 

“Ben, don’t be like that,” Callum chastised him. “After everything Whit’s been through because of me, because of us, surely you don’t begrudge her having a holiday?”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. I guess part of me still feels jealous of her,” he admitted quietly.

“Why would you be jealous of Whit?” Callum asked with bewilderment.

“Ignore me. I’m being stupid,” Ben said, lowering his gaze as he stirred his coffee. “It’s just...she was such a huge part of your life. You obviously still care about her. You’re always going to have that connection with her.”

“Of course I'll always care about her but...not in that way. It doesn’t compare to...” Callum hesitated for a moment. “to us,” he said finally, a hint of nervousness in his voice. It was the first time either of them had acknowledged any kind of official bond between them. Ben looked up shyly at Callum as they shared a complicit smile.

“By the way, just so you know,” Ben said casually. “I deleted that hook-up app off my phone.”

“Oh?!” Callum smiled with surprise and barely concealed delight.

“Yep,” Ben nodded. “BigBen96 is no more.”

“BigBen96?!” Callum spluttered into his coffee. “You think a lot of yourself, don’t ya?”

“I’ve had no complaints so far,” Ben pouted moodily.

“Well, I’m certainly not complaining,” Callum reassured him with a wink and a knowing smile. “So does this mean we’re, y'know...exclusive?”

“Do you want us to be?” Ben asked, continuing before Callum had a chance to reply. “I mean, you’ve only just come out, you’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for. You might want to, y'know, explore your options.”

Callum reached out across the table and took Ben’s hand in his. 

“You’re the only option I’m interested in, Ben.”

Ben held on to Callum’s hand and smiled as Callum leaned across the table and placed a warm, gentle kiss on his lips. They finished their breakfast in contented silence before Callum spoke.

“We should go back,” he said in a determined tone.

Ben glanced at his watch.

“Yeah, that housekeeper lady should have finished doing her rounds by now.”

“No, I meant back to Walford.”

“You serious?” Ben asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, we can’t stay here forever, can we? And I’m gonna have to face everyone eventually.”

“You sure you’re ready?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Well, if anyone so much as looks at you the wrong way, you tell me and I'll sort it.”

“It’ll be fine. You don’t need to protect me, Ben.”

“I’m just saying,” Ben said quietly. “I’ve got your back.”

“I know. Thank you.” Callum smiled and squeezed Ben’s hand.

“What’s wrong?” Callum asked, sensing a shift in Ben’s mood.

“Nothing,” Ben said quickly. “Can we just have one more night though? We can go back tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Callum smiled. 

~

“Hi,” Ben smiled as he approached the hotel reception desk. “We'd like to stay on for tonight. Room 629.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. We’re fully booked tonight,” the receptionist said apologetically. “You’ll have to vacate the room today.”

“What?” 

“There’s an event at the O2 this weekend,” the receptionist explained. “We’ve been booked up for months.”

“But we only want one more night,” Callum pleaded. “Surely there’s something you can do?”

“Sorry,” the receptionist shook her head. “We can notify you if we get any cancellations but there’s no guarantee.”

“Okay, thanks anyway,” Callum said, as he and Ben turned away from the reception desk.

“So what are we supposed to do now?” Ben asked despondently.

“Go and pack, I guess,” Callum sighed, placing his arm around Ben’s shoulder as they headed for the lift.

~

“Walford, here we come, eh?” Callum said as he and Ben placed their bags in the boot of Ben’s car. Ben closed the boot but made no move to get in the car. 

“What’s wrong?” Callum asked him.

“Can we go and get something to eat first?”

“We only had breakfast an hour ago?!” 

“Well, a drink then. Or let’s just go for a walk or something. The sun’s out, we don’t want to waste it sitting in the Blackwall tunnel, do we?”

Callum frowned at Ben, wondering what it was that was troubling him.

“Alright then, gorgeous,” he said, taking Ben’s hand. “Let’s go for a walk.”

~

The two men strolled hand in hand through the streets of the town centre. Callum was concerned by Ben’s uncharacteristic quietness but he didn’t push him, he just squeezed his hand every so often to remind him that he was there whenever Ben was ready to open up. Callum stopped suddenly as they passed a shop with a window display of white teddy bears sporting sailor outfits and hats with “Royal Maritime Greenwich" emblazoned on them. 

“Aww, look,” he said, pointing at the teddies. “We should get one for Lexi.”

“You’re right. She’ll kill me if I go home without a present for her. Not just a pretty face, are ya?” Ben winked and smiled gratefully at Callum and made his way into the shop with Callum following close behind. 

Ben’s mood perked up considerably after they left the shop, swinging the bag with the teddy alongside him as he and Callum found themselves strolling through the gates of the park. An ice cream van was parked at the bottom of the hill and Callum pulled Ben towards it.

“Two ninety-nines, please,” Callum said to the vendor.

“I'd rather have a _sixty_ -nine,” Ben whispered in Callum’s ear, sliding his hand into Callum’s back pocket and squeezing his arse. Callum felt his neck turning crimson as he tried to stifle a snort of laughter. He turned to look at Ben, who was biting his bottom lip, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Behave yourself,” Callum scolded him with a wry smile. “And you might get your wish later,” he added, running his tongue between his lips before turning round to take their ice creams from the vendor.

Callum smiled at Ben as he handed him his ice cream, happy to see that his mood had lifted. He was still worried that something was bothering him though and he pondered how to broach the subject. He didn’t want to go back to Walford with any dark clouds hanging over them. Ben however seemed back to his usual playful self, fixing his eyes on Callum as he wrapped his lips around the chocolate flake in his ice cream and bit off a chunk of it before swirling his tongue around the white ice cream.

“You’re filthy,” Callum murmured huskily, wishing they weren’t in a crowded park in the middle of the day. Ben looked up at Callum with wide eyes and a soft smile, his face the picture of innocence.

“And you’re gorgeous,” Callum added, wiping a trace of ice cream from the corner of Ben’s mouth with his thumb. 

“Scissor Sisters! Nice one,” Ben grinned. “You really are getting the hang of this gay thing, aren’t you?”

“If you say so,” Callum smiled, draping his arm around Ben’s shoulder as they walked towards the hill. 

“Weird, innit?” Callum said as they sat by a secluded cluster of trees near the top of the hill, looking down at the snake-like curves of the river cutting through the landscape. “How it feels like we’re miles away from home but it’s actually just over there.”

“Hmm,” Ben mumbled absent-mindedly.

“You alright?” Callum asked with concern, lightly ruffling Ben’s hair.

“Do we really have to go back?” Ben asked with a heavy sigh.

“I thought we agreed...?”

“I know, I know. We have to at some point. It’s just...”

“What?” Callum took Ben’s hand in his. “You know you can tell me anything.”

“It’s stupid, really. I just...I’m scared, Cal.” Ben’s voice was a trembling whisper.

“You’re scared? Of what?” Callum frowned.

“Of this...us.”

“I don’t understand...have I done something wrong?”

“No, no, of course not. You...you’re amazing.” Ben smiled as Callum looked away bashfully. “And that’s what scares me. These last few days, I haven’t felt so happy since....well, for a long time. It feels like we're in this perfect little bubble that’s going to burst as soon as we set foot in Walford. Nothing good ever happens there, or if it does it never lasts.”

“Is this about Paul?” Callum asked gently.

Ben nodded almost imperceptibly.

“Not just him, but yeah...”

“He’d want you to be happy, Ben.” 

Ben opened his mouth to speak but Callum pressed his finger against his lips to silence him.

“Don't tell me I don’t know what Paul would want. Because I know Chris would want me to be happy. Why wouldn’t Paul want the same for you? I know I can’t take his place and I’d never dream of trying. I know how much you loved him, and part of you always will, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love again.”

“Love?” Ben said with a frown.

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean...” Callum said, panic rising in his voice. He knew how sensitive Ben was to any mention of Paul, how fiercely loyal he was to his memory. To imply that he might feel the same way about Callum felt like he'd crossed a line. “I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay.” Ben sniffed and ran his hand over his face, blinking back his tears.

“Oh, Ben, don’t...Come here,” Callum’s voice broke as he pulled Ben towards him. “It’s okay,” he said soothingly, cradling Ben in a hug and stroking his hair. 

“Do you remember what you said that time, about wishing you could go back and have just one more moment with Paul?”

Ben nodded tearfully as Callum continued.

“We both know that can’t happen, just like it can’t for me and Chris. But you and me, we've had our moments here, haven’t we?” 

“We sure have,” Ben chuckled, despite his eyes still glistening with tears as he smiled up at Callum.

“And we can have plenty more, whether it’s here or in Walford or wherever.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said, wiping his tears and sitting up straight to look at Callum. “Making this all about me...you’re the one whose world's been turned upside down by all this.”

“You could say that,” Callum said with a wry smile. “But actually, it feels like for the first time in my life my world's the right way round. You said you haven’t been this happy in a long time...well, I haven’t been this happy _ever_.”

Ben felt tears prickling his eyes again as Callum continued.

“I get why you’re scared. Neither of us knows what’s gonna happen...But I’ve spent my whole life running scared. Scared of who I was, of what I felt, of what people might think or say...Well, I’m not scared anymore and that’s all down to you.”

“No,” Ben shook his head. “Don’t go selling yourself short. You did this all by yourself, cos you’re braver and stronger than you think.”

“Maybe...but I still couldn’t have done it without you. So whatever Walford wants to throw at us when we get back, bring it on. I can handle it, as long as I’ve got you.”

“You’ve got me,” Ben promised, reaching out to squeeze Callum's hand. Ben noticed the sun catching on the ring on his left hand and stared at it thoughtfully for a moment. He bit his bottom lip, took a deep breath and turned to face Callum.

“You know what you said earlier, about falling in love again?”

“Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry. Look...I know we've only been together properly for a few days but I need you to know...I love you, Callum Highway.”

“Wh...what?” Callum stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed at Ben.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say it back. Just forget I said it, yeah?” Ben lowered his gaze,  


“Ben, I...” Callum said softly.

“It’s okay, really,” Ben continued, his eyes staring off into the distance. “I shouldn’t have said anything but you know me, never know when to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you. I’m sorry. I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?”

“Ben,” Callum interrupted Ben’s rambling. “Just shut up for a minute, will ya?”

Ben looked up suddenly, startled by Callum’s forceful tone.

“What?” he asked almost inaudibly.

“I love you too, you muppet,” Callum said with a fond smile, his eyes shining tenderly at Ben as his words sunk in and a smile began to spread across Ben’s face.

“Yeah?” Ben asked cautiously, still not quite daring to believe what he was hearing.

“Yeah,” Callum nodded emphatically. “Do you need me to say it again?” 

“Uh...” Ben found himself uncharacteristically lost for words.

“I love you, Ben Mitchell,” Callum repeated, cupping Ben’s face in his hands. “I love you so much.”

Callum leaned forward and brushed his lips against Ben’s with the softest of kisses, a silent confirmation of the words they’d just spoken, before drawing him into his arms and hugging him tightly. Callum felt tears welling up in his eyes as a rush of emotion swept through him. Relief, joy, hope, pride and everything else he’d never dared to dream of, he felt them all now in the warmth of Ben’s embrace. He felt something else too, or rather the absence of it: he no longer felt lonely. Callum smiled to himself as he rested his head on Ben’s shoulder, his eyes closed as he breathed in his familiar scent. He opened his eyes slowly, his gaze drifting to the horizon, when something caught his eye.

“Look,” he said to Ben.

“What?” 

“Over there.” Callum pointed at the sky across the river.

Ben squinted in the direction of Callum’s pointed finger and noticed the outline of a fading rainbow curving through the sky on the other side of the river.

“Do you think it’s a sign?” Callum said thoughtfully.

“Yeah, a sign it’s been raining in Walford. What’s new?” Ben rolled his eyes and shook his head affectionately at Callum.

“I’m trying to be deep and romantic here,” Callum tutted with mock indignation.

“Sorry,” Ben said. “I’m not too good with stuff like that. I’m sure I can get the hang of it, though,” he added, leaning against Callum and nuzzling his head against his shoulder as the rainbow melted into the Walford sky beyond them. Ben glanced at his watch and slowly stood up.

“Traffic's gonna be hell if we don’t make a move,” Ben said, holding his hand out to help Callum to his feet. “You alright?”

“Yeah, never better,” Callum said with conviction, planting a self-assured kiss on Ben’s lips. 

“Come on then, babe" Ben smiled, picking up the bag with Lexi's teddy in one hand before taking Callum’s hand in the other. “Let’s go home.”

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone's wondering, no I don't work for the Greenwich Tourist Board! It is one of my favourite places in London though and holds a lot of happy memories. I wanted to get the boys out of Walford for the final part of the story but I liked the idea of them still being on the map, so to speak, so Greenwich felt like the perfect place to send them to. 
> 
> The title of this story comes from the song Ultraviolet (Light My Way) by U2. I feel the lyrics relate to both Ben and Callum's journeys, on screen and in this story.
> 
> https://youtu.be/Mk-tdsonJlk


End file.
